It's a sad day for me as I realize the extent of my mom's manipulation. I love her. How can I not. But, love and loyalty asside, it doesn't change people's actions. The truth is the truth is the truth.
So where does that leave me? More determined to set boundaries and stand by them. More determined to rely upon God's and not human's direction. More aware and more awake. Better protected.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Random Thoughts
I've been contemplating "sustained discipline" with my counselor. Not in depth, because it seems that each session there is something else more pressing. My lack of self-discipline isn't going anywhere. Not today anyway. I just spent about two hours on the computer, 1/2 an hour doing dishes, and here I am back on the computer.
I like the anonymity of the internet. I can say or be anything I want to be. But mostly I want to be Me.
Last night my hubby and I were talking about what we wanted to do if, by the completion of that "thing we'd do," our lives would end. I decided I wanted to record the stories of the people I meet through the furniture ministry at my church. Their stories need to be shared. Their struggles need to be brought to light. Their courage in the face of hopelessness needs to be celebrated.
Which brings me to another thought I've been having today. It's been bothering me lately that it is so hard to find mattresses for these folks. Any time we receive a mattress in donation, it is immediately delivered because we literally have a waiting list. But what if we had a mattress drive, or a fund raiser for the express purpose of purchasing mattresses? What if we got a furniture company involved and asked if they'd match any donations toward purchasing mattresses at their establishment? What if everyone had a mattress that needed one? What if guest rooms around the city were disassembled? What if people around the state became more aware of the fact that kids, elderly, refugees, veterans, people just like you and me, were sleeping on couches, on piles of clothing, towels, the bare floor.
What if?
To that end, I'm starting a new blog. The new one won't have any links back here because, like I said. I like my anonymity here. But I'm going to write about our ministry. And I'm going to write about the people we meet, and my team that is so eager to help. And about the challenges we face throughout the city. And maybe, just maybe we'll start to become more aware.
I like the anonymity of the internet. I can say or be anything I want to be. But mostly I want to be Me.
Last night my hubby and I were talking about what we wanted to do if, by the completion of that "thing we'd do," our lives would end. I decided I wanted to record the stories of the people I meet through the furniture ministry at my church. Their stories need to be shared. Their struggles need to be brought to light. Their courage in the face of hopelessness needs to be celebrated.
Which brings me to another thought I've been having today. It's been bothering me lately that it is so hard to find mattresses for these folks. Any time we receive a mattress in donation, it is immediately delivered because we literally have a waiting list. But what if we had a mattress drive, or a fund raiser for the express purpose of purchasing mattresses? What if we got a furniture company involved and asked if they'd match any donations toward purchasing mattresses at their establishment? What if everyone had a mattress that needed one? What if guest rooms around the city were disassembled? What if people around the state became more aware of the fact that kids, elderly, refugees, veterans, people just like you and me, were sleeping on couches, on piles of clothing, towels, the bare floor.
What if?
To that end, I'm starting a new blog. The new one won't have any links back here because, like I said. I like my anonymity here. But I'm going to write about our ministry. And I'm going to write about the people we meet, and my team that is so eager to help. And about the challenges we face throughout the city. And maybe, just maybe we'll start to become more aware.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Conundrum
Sometimes this body of mine just confounds me. In my limited knowledge, I just don't know what to make of it. I'm 7 days "late" but the pregnancy test says "nope, nada, try again!" I am smelling things I've never smelt before, I'm constantly tired, extremely sensitive, I am getting hot flashes. Hot flashes? Am I peri-menapausal? Oi.
I'm 32 years old and while one of my Aunts went through menopause pretty young, I think she was at least 37. I could be wrong. But pregnant women have hot flashes too. But their tests usually come out possitive too...so, {sigh}.
I didn't want to take the test. It's a very volnerable two minutes. Do you look at it the whole time, or go brush your teeth or something and pretend your future doesn't hang in the balance? And then it's negative and you wonder if you did it right. Was there any way you could have messed it up? But you know you did it right. You've only taken the test fourty two times in the last five years. (slight exageration!) And then you simply accept. Unless this isn't the fourty second time you've done it and you still wonder and convince yourself somehow that the test was wrong and you'll take it again the next day to prove it!
Ah well. In the end, I'll probably test again Tuesday. Give it a few days. Unless of course something happens in the mean time....
I'm 32 years old and while one of my Aunts went through menopause pretty young, I think she was at least 37. I could be wrong. But pregnant women have hot flashes too. But their tests usually come out possitive too...so, {sigh}
I didn't want to take the test. It's a very volnerable two minutes. Do you look at it the whole time, or go brush your teeth or something and pretend your future doesn't hang in the balance? And then it's negative and you wonder if you did it right. Was there any way you could have messed it up? But you know you did it right. You've only taken the test fourty two times in the last five years. (slight exageration!) And then you simply accept. Unless this isn't the fourty second time you've done it and you still wonder and convince yourself somehow that the test was wrong and you'll take it again the next day to prove it!
Ah well. In the end, I'll probably test again Tuesday. Give it a few days. Unless of course something happens in the mean time....
Sunday, November 30, 2008
How to Grow...
...to be 200. Wow. This is my 200th post. Who new it would take only 5 months. Certainly not I. I didn't realize I had that much to say. Well maybe I did, but still: 200?
...Rhododendrons from cuttings.
I have been meaning to take cuttings from a Rhododendron of ours that is sort of dying, but which we wanted to move to a new location. Enter cuttings...why not propogate them over the winter months and plant the new seedlings (so to speak) where we wanted to move the old one to? So here is the link I found for starting a rhodo from a cutting...and now I have 7 going, all with little baggies over them, hoping for some rooting action!
...and say more with less.
It sounds good anyway. Since my last post, I've been working full time at a temp job in a hospital social services office. I absolutely love it! It's a step in the direction I want to go. I also spent a week getting to know my month-old nephew in Baton Rouge, Louisianna. What a precious joy! Even while we where there, he grew a little fuller in the face and began to get a baby tummy. Loved it! We had to deal with some in-law stuff, but that's life, right?
Our trip down took 28 hours. We drove straight from 6 am one day to 10 am the next. It only cost $240 in gas round trip. Add an oil change, we're still only talking $280. my in-laws spent $350 each on plane tickets. I say if you're willing to spend the time, and you enjoy driving, why not? We had a great time along the way and I LOVE driving, so it was the perfect choice for us. I have to say though, leaving first thing in the morning is best because we ended up leaving Baton Rouge at 11 am and getting home at 3:30 pm the next day. Basically took up most of both days. I guess it makes a big difference where those four hours are placed!
Turns out, my SIL is dealing with yeast/thrush with the baby. Interesting how these things come up and we can share our experiences, huh? It was great to be able to cook for them, hold the baby, sing to him, read to him, etc. The joys of everyday living. Can't beat it.
...Rhododendrons from cuttings.
I have been meaning to take cuttings from a Rhododendron of ours that is sort of dying, but which we wanted to move to a new location. Enter cuttings...why not propogate them over the winter months and plant the new seedlings (so to speak) where we wanted to move the old one to? So here is the link I found for starting a rhodo from a cutting...and now I have 7 going, all with little baggies over them, hoping for some rooting action!
...and say more with less.
It sounds good anyway. Since my last post, I've been working full time at a temp job in a hospital social services office. I absolutely love it! It's a step in the direction I want to go. I also spent a week getting to know my month-old nephew in Baton Rouge, Louisianna. What a precious joy! Even while we where there, he grew a little fuller in the face and began to get a baby tummy. Loved it! We had to deal with some in-law stuff, but that's life, right?
Our trip down took 28 hours. We drove straight from 6 am one day to 10 am the next. It only cost $240 in gas round trip. Add an oil change, we're still only talking $280. my in-laws spent $350 each on plane tickets. I say if you're willing to spend the time, and you enjoy driving, why not? We had a great time along the way and I LOVE driving, so it was the perfect choice for us. I have to say though, leaving first thing in the morning is best because we ended up leaving Baton Rouge at 11 am and getting home at 3:30 pm the next day. Basically took up most of both days. I guess it makes a big difference where those four hours are placed!
Turns out, my SIL is dealing with yeast/thrush with the baby. Interesting how these things come up and we can share our experiences, huh? It was great to be able to cook for them, hold the baby, sing to him, read to him, etc. The joys of everyday living. Can't beat it.
Friday, November 7, 2008
A good thing
It seems incomprehensible to me that my last post was just two days ago. It seems like weeks have gone by in two days. I still don't have a job, but I am getting my confidence back and feel really great about my prospects.
One thing I noticed was I think I still need meds for my depression. Yes, I can control the environmental forces and my own thought process which tends to work against me, but there are indeed chemical forces going on as well. I have been able to see the warning signs and correct them before they get full blown. Except I stopped taking my meds Sunday and by Wednesday I was on the verge of snapping at my poor hubby before I realized I was totally loosing it. Thursday the same thing happened. Thankfully I caught it before I really did snap at him, but I made sure I picked up my meds and started taking them again.
I feel better already and I know it's not because they are already effective, it's just the easing of my mind, knowing that I'm getting back on track. It's a good thing.
One thing I noticed was I think I still need meds for my depression. Yes, I can control the environmental forces and my own thought process which tends to work against me, but there are indeed chemical forces going on as well. I have been able to see the warning signs and correct them before they get full blown. Except I stopped taking my meds Sunday and by Wednesday I was on the verge of snapping at my poor hubby before I realized I was totally loosing it. Thursday the same thing happened. Thankfully I caught it before I really did snap at him, but I made sure I picked up my meds and started taking them again.
I feel better already and I know it's not because they are already effective, it's just the easing of my mind, knowing that I'm getting back on track. It's a good thing.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Confidence
I didn't get another job I'd interviewed for. Confidence is waning.
Oi.
I seriously didn't think it'd be this hard to find another job. Now I'm back to responding to postings with hours and locations I'd rather not do, but, well, I need a job.
I'm currently looking for temp work so I don't have to settle for a permanent position I don't really want to take. I figure I can do anything short term. But back to working until 6 from a half hour away from home? Isn't that one of the reasons I left?!
Oi.
I'm finding out a lot about myself. Like I have more control over my depression than I ever imagined.
And my concept of self is way more linked to employment than I ever imagined.
And I'm liking staying home way more than I ever imagined.
But how to take all that into consideration...quite a chore indeed.
Oi.
I seriously didn't think it'd be this hard to find another job. Now I'm back to responding to postings with hours and locations I'd rather not do, but, well, I need a job.
I'm currently looking for temp work so I don't have to settle for a permanent position I don't really want to take. I figure I can do anything short term. But back to working until 6 from a half hour away from home? Isn't that one of the reasons I left?!
Oi.
I'm finding out a lot about myself. Like I have more control over my depression than I ever imagined.
And my concept of self is way more linked to employment than I ever imagined.
And I'm liking staying home way more than I ever imagined.
But how to take all that into consideration...quite a chore indeed.
Friday, October 24, 2008
I don't even know what to call this post
I had a bit of a meltdown last night. Yeah. Not pretty.
It's late, we're in bed, and I reach for something on my nightstand and knock over the water cup. I was fine as I picked it up, but then I crawled back in bed and just started sobbing.
I think it's partly prepping for our friends to move in. It's partly the havoc of still not having a real front door, having to climb a ladder to get inside, not even having a set place to put my stupid keys, for pete's sake!
So anyway, it's like the perfect storm. So much upheval. And it's been going on for so long. I mean, I haven't had front steps for two weeks. Seriously. That may not sound like a long time, but try climbing a ladder with groceries, laundry, and anything else. Getting ready for interviews in a nice outfit only to step out the door and climb down a ladder.
So I have my meltdown and my hubby just lays there. I think he wanted to comfort me but he can't lay on that shoulder since his accident. But no words, nothing. Then I stop after about twenty minutes. Seriously. I think it's the longest meltdown I've ever had.
And he gets up. Goes downstairs. At this point, I'm thinking...he couldn't get up and walk around the bed and maybe give me a hug, but he can get up and go downstairs. Then he goes outside.
He goes outside ladies! Seriously!
We'd been out shopping for a door and window earlier in the evening and there was a funny noise coming from the wheel well, so he goes outside to check it.
After I had a meltdown.
At 11:15 at night.
Without a word of comfort or a squeeze of the hand or a hug.
Nothing.
He goes and checks on his truck!!!!
Does anyone else see why I'm freaking out here?!
So I've been thinking this morning. You know, it's mostly about our friends moving in. Yes, I've had about a month to prep. And the house will be in order in time. Maybe not the whole thing, but it'll be ready for them.
What I'm freaking out about is twofold. One, they are very neat and orderly and the guy is pretty outspoken about how he wants things. In his own home, he takes care of the kitchen because he just has to have it spic and span. That's not gonna happen in my house. I mean, it's not going to be "just so" all of the time. Two, they are very neat and orderly. So is my husband. So I feel like it's three neat, orderly people against me...housekeeping's worst nightmare. I exagerate a bit. But not much. I appreciate order. I work well when things are how they "should be," but it doesn't happen on a regular basis.
It seems like all my life, my mom has "joked" about how I'm not so neat. They called my room growing up "the swamp." It hurts. Sarcasm isn't a joke. It's not funny. Does it make me want to prove them wrong? Totally. But do I think I can? Never.
I'm also afraid this is the begining, warning signs of a depression. What do I do? I've got to get outside myself.
So what can I do, while I'm supposed to be finishing up prepping the house, to get outside myself? After I finish yelling at this fly buzzing around me, of course. Seriously. I'm totally at my whit's end.
Well, tomorrow is a delivery day for my furniture project with the church. I still need to finish up coordinating that effort. Sunday I'm on my own again coordinating the greeters for the day. We're supposed to have three leaders, but it's just me right now. So I guess I don't need to search long for things to do to get beyond my own problems.
You know, I recall talking to my counselor awhile back about how I tend to have depressions after major stressful events. I'll be fine during the event, like when we were evacuated due to threat of a flood, but afterwards I fell to pieces. I've been out of work for a little over a month now and it's both shocking and a major victory for me that I haven't gone into a depression yet. But all it took was me being locked out of my house and then responding negatively to that. It took me an hour and a half yesterday to get myself back into the house, then I decided to lick my wounds, so to speak, and treat myself to some me-time. I cruised the web, had a nice leisurely lunch, vegged out for a wee bit. Not exactly "getting outside myself" type of activities. So I guess it comes as no surprise that I had the night that I had last night.
Does it make it any easier today? Actually, it does. It shows me that it's not everything else, it's my reaction to it. I'm still in control. It can still be traced back to my choices and decisions. And it tells me I can't just blow off the house, I have to be mature about this and finish the job. Darn it. {wink}
It's late, we're in bed, and I reach for something on my nightstand and knock over the water cup. I was fine as I picked it up, but then I crawled back in bed and just started sobbing.
I think it's partly prepping for our friends to move in. It's partly the havoc of still not having a real front door, having to climb a ladder to get inside, not even having a set place to put my stupid keys, for pete's sake!
So anyway, it's like the perfect storm. So much upheval. And it's been going on for so long. I mean, I haven't had front steps for two weeks. Seriously. That may not sound like a long time, but try climbing a ladder with groceries, laundry, and anything else. Getting ready for interviews in a nice outfit only to step out the door and climb down a ladder.
So I have my meltdown and my hubby just lays there. I think he wanted to comfort me but he can't lay on that shoulder since his accident. But no words, nothing. Then I stop after about twenty minutes. Seriously. I think it's the longest meltdown I've ever had.
And he gets up. Goes downstairs. At this point, I'm thinking...he couldn't get up and walk around the bed and maybe give me a hug, but he can get up and go downstairs. Then he goes outside.
He goes outside ladies! Seriously!
We'd been out shopping for a door and window earlier in the evening and there was a funny noise coming from the wheel well, so he goes outside to check it.
After I had a meltdown.
At 11:15 at night.
Without a word of comfort or a squeeze of the hand or a hug.
Nothing.
He goes and checks on his truck!!!!
Does anyone else see why I'm freaking out here?!
So I've been thinking this morning. You know, it's mostly about our friends moving in. Yes, I've had about a month to prep. And the house will be in order in time. Maybe not the whole thing, but it'll be ready for them.
What I'm freaking out about is twofold. One, they are very neat and orderly and the guy is pretty outspoken about how he wants things. In his own home, he takes care of the kitchen because he just has to have it spic and span. That's not gonna happen in my house. I mean, it's not going to be "just so" all of the time. Two, they are very neat and orderly. So is my husband. So I feel like it's three neat, orderly people against me...housekeeping's worst nightmare. I exagerate a bit. But not much. I appreciate order. I work well when things are how they "should be," but it doesn't happen on a regular basis.
It seems like all my life, my mom has "joked" about how I'm not so neat. They called my room growing up "the swamp." It hurts. Sarcasm isn't a joke. It's not funny. Does it make me want to prove them wrong? Totally. But do I think I can? Never.
I'm also afraid this is the begining, warning signs of a depression. What do I do? I've got to get outside myself.
So what can I do, while I'm supposed to be finishing up prepping the house, to get outside myself? After I finish yelling at this fly buzzing around me, of course. Seriously. I'm totally at my whit's end.
Well, tomorrow is a delivery day for my furniture project with the church. I still need to finish up coordinating that effort. Sunday I'm on my own again coordinating the greeters for the day. We're supposed to have three leaders, but it's just me right now. So I guess I don't need to search long for things to do to get beyond my own problems.
You know, I recall talking to my counselor awhile back about how I tend to have depressions after major stressful events. I'll be fine during the event, like when we were evacuated due to threat of a flood, but afterwards I fell to pieces. I've been out of work for a little over a month now and it's both shocking and a major victory for me that I haven't gone into a depression yet. But all it took was me being locked out of my house and then responding negatively to that. It took me an hour and a half yesterday to get myself back into the house, then I decided to lick my wounds, so to speak, and treat myself to some me-time. I cruised the web, had a nice leisurely lunch, vegged out for a wee bit. Not exactly "getting outside myself" type of activities. So I guess it comes as no surprise that I had the night that I had last night.
Does it make it any easier today? Actually, it does. It shows me that it's not everything else, it's my reaction to it. I'm still in control. It can still be traced back to my choices and decisions. And it tells me I can't just blow off the house, I have to be mature about this and finish the job. Darn it. {wink}
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