Friday, June 27, 2008

Emotional eating, NASCAR, and remembering

At my last counseling session, "Bill" and I talked about my eating habits. I brought it up, among other things, but hadn't intended for it to be something to work on JUST YET. Well, the more we talked about it, the more I realized that this is indeed the time to do something about it. This picture is of me about a year ago, after I'd lost quite a bit of weight. I have since gained it back and then some. Bill encouraged me to begin an eating journal, especially focusing on when I am "emotionally eating."
I plan to start the journal Monday, after I return from our "camping" trip to New Hampshire Motor Speedway for the NASCAR race! Go Tony! (Stewart) Actually, I'm a big Joe Gibbs fan, but Tony's driving talent caught my eye before I knew about Joe Gibb's ownership of the team.
Right, back to the topic...I'll probably post some of the entries here, as I examine my eating habits and how my emotions impact (and are impacted by) what I eat.
I've also been thinking a lot today about something that happened right around the time that picture was taken. My hubby and I have been trying on-and-off for five years to start a family. To this date, we've been unsuccesful. Last year, I really thought I was pregnant. It seemed obvious at the time. I had extreme mood swings I'd never had in all my years of PMS, I was "late," and had regular feelings of nausea. Looking back, the explanation seems clear. I was on some hormones that usually helps PMS, but with me it became worse. I was traveling, which also sometimes has an effect on your menstrual cycle. But while it was happening, it wasn't so clear.
I wasn't just sure. I'd been "sure" half a dozen times in the last four years. I was POSITIVE. 100%. Over the moon; didn't need a test to know; this was it.
We were still traveling when I got my period. I was dumbfounded, numb, walking around in a daze. Thankfully, it was the middle of a two-week vacation so I had some time to pull myself together, but still...I can remember sitting in a museum presentation thinking "here I am, watching this movie. How? Why? After (I thought) loosing the baby? This is crazy. How can I be doing THIS after THAT just happened? As if it's just another day. As if I'm perfectly fine. "
To further complicate matters, things weren't real great with me and my hubby at the time. I'd decided just before "discovering" the pregnancy that I was going to stop seeing the specialist for a while until our marriage was doing better. I had real fears as relating to parenting with him and knew that we needed major help before moving forward with a family. But once I thought I was pregnant, there was no way I was going to regret it, no matter what state our marriage was in! I looked all my fears in the eye and moved forward, ready to embrace the challenge and do my best without looking back.
So a year later, I look back and remember those days. It still seems so surreal. In a way it's a blessing that it happened while away because I don't have to walk around the house remembering sitting on the couch for hours at a time in contemplation. It was some anonymous hotel room out in the world somewhere and I'll never have to see it again.
I think I'm stronger for it though. My mom said she had a dream that one day I'd face a difficult challenge, decide to face it with courage and integrity, and then have it be taken away.
That's just how I want to live my life...with courage and integrity. And it's so true that sometimes the blessings and challenges are the same thing and sometimes they are taken away. But courage and integrity can never be taken away, only forfeited by choice.

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