Well, my last post eluded to change, but I'm now experiencing more change in my life than I ever anticipated! I'm moving in a couple weeks, found a new church this weekend, my husband has said he intends to file for divorce, my temp job will be coming to a close in about a month...is there anything else? Oh, I'm beginning to loose weight, um.....oh! I'm not nearly as depressed as I anticipated I might be!
Given the multitude of circumstances, I have anticipated a major depression, but it's interesting to me that while I'm seeing some small signs of depression, in more ways I'm experiencing the absolute best mental health EVER had! And I mean that quite literally.
I'm not going to get into the gory details of the dissolution of my marriage, but suffice it to say, near the end I had been in almost constant prayer and when he called an end to it, I felt peace. I've had some hard times since then, of course, but overall I know that God is protecting me and directing me in how I respond to my ex and how I go about conducting myself during these awkward and painful times. So many scriptures have been my constant encouragement. And so many of "my ladies" have been faithful to call me and keep me in their prayers and just speak encouragement and the uplifting truth that I am a valued child of God! That is such a lifeline to me! I just soak it all in!
While my overall theme here is how to change ... inner life, as a goal, not a circumstance, I'm reflecting today on how often times outer change begets inner change...
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Constance and Change
In the last 7+ months, a lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same. I am still temping at the same place (now there for 13+ months...), I am still not really healthy.
I'm more of a roomie to my husband; this change brought on by a typical drunken incident that just finally made me say enough is enough. We still live together, still go to counseling together, but we're pretty much roomies. He knows he needs to actually DO something (Get Help) about his alcoholism, I know I need to go back to my personal counselor. So I'm taking the steps I need to. I don't know about him.
My sis was back for a week after New Years and it was so incredible. I missed her terribly over the summer, but you know how you get used to someone being away after awhile...well, I'd gotten used to her not being so close. But having her here for that week was so awesome, and I'm so glad we could share that time. We went into Boston and walked around Chinatown and the North End. It was fr-EE-zing, but we survived!
I talked to Mom after my last post. Things got a little better with her, but the holidays really brought out the worst in us. Unfortunately, I know that some things are just never going to be the same. And in a sense, that's a good thing, because "the same" is SO unhealthy. But at the same time, I really envy those families that ARE healthy and can continue to have healthy relationships into adulthood. Well, maybe I can have a healthy relationship with her, it just won't be idea. What I mean is, since I know I can't trust her to respect certain boundaries, I just won't be able to share those parts of my life with her. It's unfortunate, but it is a step toward my own mental health that I'm finally willing to make.
I've begun reading Codependent No More and the more I read, the more I see it in myself - in many areas of my life! I've begun helping my sis with her college essays; editing for grammar and punctuation. At first I was just correcting everything and inserting comments to tell her why. Then I realized she would learn more if I explained general rules and let her make her own corrections. I was so worried that she'd be irritated with me, but she responded really well, saying she learned so much more! It's so funny to me how these things really work in real life!
So to be real, I'm depressed again. And not happy about it either! (That was a joke, though it's true :)
I thought I had this all under control and knew how to deal with the warning signs, etc. But then last August I started having a little wine with my dinner and ended up doing that a few times a week. It's absolutely FACT that alcohol is a depressant and I was already teetering on the edge. I went and pushed myself right over. I finally accepted the fact that it was really harmful to me right after Christmas, but by that time the damage was done.
But now it's February and I should be "over it," right? Believe me, I've been around this block enough times, I know it doesn't happen that way, but I'm back to seeing my counselor and am consciously looking for the healthy/mature ways of dealing with things.
One thing I decided to do this year is to try a new recipe from my cookbook collection at least once per week. I have over 40 cookbooks and I haven't used even one recipe out of at least a third of them. So this year, I'm going to change all of that! It's been really fun and I'm definitely enjoying the fruits of this particular labor! I'll share more on that another time. For now, I'm going to try doing the healthy thing and going to bed at an almost-decent hour.
I'm more of a roomie to my husband; this change brought on by a typical drunken incident that just finally made me say enough is enough. We still live together, still go to counseling together, but we're pretty much roomies. He knows he needs to actually DO something (Get Help) about his alcoholism, I know I need to go back to my personal counselor. So I'm taking the steps I need to. I don't know about him.
My sis was back for a week after New Years and it was so incredible. I missed her terribly over the summer, but you know how you get used to someone being away after awhile...well, I'd gotten used to her not being so close. But having her here for that week was so awesome, and I'm so glad we could share that time. We went into Boston and walked around Chinatown and the North End. It was fr-EE-zing, but we survived!
I talked to Mom after my last post. Things got a little better with her, but the holidays really brought out the worst in us. Unfortunately, I know that some things are just never going to be the same. And in a sense, that's a good thing, because "the same" is SO unhealthy. But at the same time, I really envy those families that ARE healthy and can continue to have healthy relationships into adulthood. Well, maybe I can have a healthy relationship with her, it just won't be idea. What I mean is, since I know I can't trust her to respect certain boundaries, I just won't be able to share those parts of my life with her. It's unfortunate, but it is a step toward my own mental health that I'm finally willing to make.
I've begun reading Codependent No More and the more I read, the more I see it in myself - in many areas of my life! I've begun helping my sis with her college essays; editing for grammar and punctuation. At first I was just correcting everything and inserting comments to tell her why. Then I realized she would learn more if I explained general rules and let her make her own corrections. I was so worried that she'd be irritated with me, but she responded really well, saying she learned so much more! It's so funny to me how these things really work in real life!
So to be real, I'm depressed again. And not happy about it either! (That was a joke, though it's true :)
I thought I had this all under control and knew how to deal with the warning signs, etc. But then last August I started having a little wine with my dinner and ended up doing that a few times a week. It's absolutely FACT that alcohol is a depressant and I was already teetering on the edge. I went and pushed myself right over. I finally accepted the fact that it was really harmful to me right after Christmas, but by that time the damage was done.
But now it's February and I should be "over it," right? Believe me, I've been around this block enough times, I know it doesn't happen that way, but I'm back to seeing my counselor and am consciously looking for the healthy/mature ways of dealing with things.
One thing I decided to do this year is to try a new recipe from my cookbook collection at least once per week. I have over 40 cookbooks and I haven't used even one recipe out of at least a third of them. So this year, I'm going to change all of that! It's been really fun and I'm definitely enjoying the fruits of this particular labor! I'll share more on that another time. For now, I'm going to try doing the healthy thing and going to bed at an almost-decent hour.
Friday, July 3, 2009
sad day
It's a sad day for me as I realize the extent of my mom's manipulation. I love her. How can I not. But, love and loyalty asside, it doesn't change people's actions. The truth is the truth is the truth.
So where does that leave me? More determined to set boundaries and stand by them. More determined to rely upon God's and not human's direction. More aware and more awake. Better protected.
So where does that leave me? More determined to set boundaries and stand by them. More determined to rely upon God's and not human's direction. More aware and more awake. Better protected.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Random Thoughts
I've been contemplating "sustained discipline" with my counselor. Not in depth, because it seems that each session there is something else more pressing. My lack of self-discipline isn't going anywhere. Not today anyway. I just spent about two hours on the computer, 1/2 an hour doing dishes, and here I am back on the computer.
I like the anonymity of the internet. I can say or be anything I want to be. But mostly I want to be Me.
Last night my hubby and I were talking about what we wanted to do if, by the completion of that "thing we'd do," our lives would end. I decided I wanted to record the stories of the people I meet through the furniture ministry at my church. Their stories need to be shared. Their struggles need to be brought to light. Their courage in the face of hopelessness needs to be celebrated.
Which brings me to another thought I've been having today. It's been bothering me lately that it is so hard to find mattresses for these folks. Any time we receive a mattress in donation, it is immediately delivered because we literally have a waiting list. But what if we had a mattress drive, or a fund raiser for the express purpose of purchasing mattresses? What if we got a furniture company involved and asked if they'd match any donations toward purchasing mattresses at their establishment? What if everyone had a mattress that needed one? What if guest rooms around the city were disassembled? What if people around the state became more aware of the fact that kids, elderly, refugees, veterans, people just like you and me, were sleeping on couches, on piles of clothing, towels, the bare floor.
What if?
To that end, I'm starting a new blog. The new one won't have any links back here because, like I said. I like my anonymity here. But I'm going to write about our ministry. And I'm going to write about the people we meet, and my team that is so eager to help. And about the challenges we face throughout the city. And maybe, just maybe we'll start to become more aware.
I like the anonymity of the internet. I can say or be anything I want to be. But mostly I want to be Me.
Last night my hubby and I were talking about what we wanted to do if, by the completion of that "thing we'd do," our lives would end. I decided I wanted to record the stories of the people I meet through the furniture ministry at my church. Their stories need to be shared. Their struggles need to be brought to light. Their courage in the face of hopelessness needs to be celebrated.
Which brings me to another thought I've been having today. It's been bothering me lately that it is so hard to find mattresses for these folks. Any time we receive a mattress in donation, it is immediately delivered because we literally have a waiting list. But what if we had a mattress drive, or a fund raiser for the express purpose of purchasing mattresses? What if we got a furniture company involved and asked if they'd match any donations toward purchasing mattresses at their establishment? What if everyone had a mattress that needed one? What if guest rooms around the city were disassembled? What if people around the state became more aware of the fact that kids, elderly, refugees, veterans, people just like you and me, were sleeping on couches, on piles of clothing, towels, the bare floor.
What if?
To that end, I'm starting a new blog. The new one won't have any links back here because, like I said. I like my anonymity here. But I'm going to write about our ministry. And I'm going to write about the people we meet, and my team that is so eager to help. And about the challenges we face throughout the city. And maybe, just maybe we'll start to become more aware.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Conundrum
Sometimes this body of mine just confounds me. In my limited knowledge, I just don't know what to make of it. I'm 7 days "late" but the pregnancy test says "nope, nada, try again!" I am smelling things I've never smelt before, I'm constantly tired, extremely sensitive, I am getting hot flashes. Hot flashes? Am I peri-menapausal? Oi.
I'm 32 years old and while one of my Aunts went through menopause pretty young, I think she was at least 37. I could be wrong. But pregnant women have hot flashes too. But their tests usually come out possitive too...so, {sigh}.
I didn't want to take the test. It's a very volnerable two minutes. Do you look at it the whole time, or go brush your teeth or something and pretend your future doesn't hang in the balance? And then it's negative and you wonder if you did it right. Was there any way you could have messed it up? But you know you did it right. You've only taken the test fourty two times in the last five years. (slight exageration!) And then you simply accept. Unless this isn't the fourty second time you've done it and you still wonder and convince yourself somehow that the test was wrong and you'll take it again the next day to prove it!
Ah well. In the end, I'll probably test again Tuesday. Give it a few days. Unless of course something happens in the mean time....
I'm 32 years old and while one of my Aunts went through menopause pretty young, I think she was at least 37. I could be wrong. But pregnant women have hot flashes too. But their tests usually come out possitive too...so, {sigh}
I didn't want to take the test. It's a very volnerable two minutes. Do you look at it the whole time, or go brush your teeth or something and pretend your future doesn't hang in the balance? And then it's negative and you wonder if you did it right. Was there any way you could have messed it up? But you know you did it right. You've only taken the test fourty two times in the last five years. (slight exageration!) And then you simply accept. Unless this isn't the fourty second time you've done it and you still wonder and convince yourself somehow that the test was wrong and you'll take it again the next day to prove it!
Ah well. In the end, I'll probably test again Tuesday. Give it a few days. Unless of course something happens in the mean time....
Sunday, November 30, 2008
How to Grow...
...to be 200. Wow. This is my 200th post. Who new it would take only 5 months. Certainly not I. I didn't realize I had that much to say. Well maybe I did, but still: 200?
...Rhododendrons from cuttings.
I have been meaning to take cuttings from a Rhododendron of ours that is sort of dying, but which we wanted to move to a new location. Enter cuttings...why not propogate them over the winter months and plant the new seedlings (so to speak) where we wanted to move the old one to? So here is the link I found for starting a rhodo from a cutting...and now I have 7 going, all with little baggies over them, hoping for some rooting action!
...and say more with less.
It sounds good anyway. Since my last post, I've been working full time at a temp job in a hospital social services office. I absolutely love it! It's a step in the direction I want to go. I also spent a week getting to know my month-old nephew in Baton Rouge, Louisianna. What a precious joy! Even while we where there, he grew a little fuller in the face and began to get a baby tummy. Loved it! We had to deal with some in-law stuff, but that's life, right?
Our trip down took 28 hours. We drove straight from 6 am one day to 10 am the next. It only cost $240 in gas round trip. Add an oil change, we're still only talking $280. my in-laws spent $350 each on plane tickets. I say if you're willing to spend the time, and you enjoy driving, why not? We had a great time along the way and I LOVE driving, so it was the perfect choice for us. I have to say though, leaving first thing in the morning is best because we ended up leaving Baton Rouge at 11 am and getting home at 3:30 pm the next day. Basically took up most of both days. I guess it makes a big difference where those four hours are placed!
Turns out, my SIL is dealing with yeast/thrush with the baby. Interesting how these things come up and we can share our experiences, huh? It was great to be able to cook for them, hold the baby, sing to him, read to him, etc. The joys of everyday living. Can't beat it.
...Rhododendrons from cuttings.
I have been meaning to take cuttings from a Rhododendron of ours that is sort of dying, but which we wanted to move to a new location. Enter cuttings...why not propogate them over the winter months and plant the new seedlings (so to speak) where we wanted to move the old one to? So here is the link I found for starting a rhodo from a cutting...and now I have 7 going, all with little baggies over them, hoping for some rooting action!
...and say more with less.
It sounds good anyway. Since my last post, I've been working full time at a temp job in a hospital social services office. I absolutely love it! It's a step in the direction I want to go. I also spent a week getting to know my month-old nephew in Baton Rouge, Louisianna. What a precious joy! Even while we where there, he grew a little fuller in the face and began to get a baby tummy. Loved it! We had to deal with some in-law stuff, but that's life, right?
Our trip down took 28 hours. We drove straight from 6 am one day to 10 am the next. It only cost $240 in gas round trip. Add an oil change, we're still only talking $280. my in-laws spent $350 each on plane tickets. I say if you're willing to spend the time, and you enjoy driving, why not? We had a great time along the way and I LOVE driving, so it was the perfect choice for us. I have to say though, leaving first thing in the morning is best because we ended up leaving Baton Rouge at 11 am and getting home at 3:30 pm the next day. Basically took up most of both days. I guess it makes a big difference where those four hours are placed!
Turns out, my SIL is dealing with yeast/thrush with the baby. Interesting how these things come up and we can share our experiences, huh? It was great to be able to cook for them, hold the baby, sing to him, read to him, etc. The joys of everyday living. Can't beat it.
Friday, November 7, 2008
A good thing
It seems incomprehensible to me that my last post was just two days ago. It seems like weeks have gone by in two days. I still don't have a job, but I am getting my confidence back and feel really great about my prospects.
One thing I noticed was I think I still need meds for my depression. Yes, I can control the environmental forces and my own thought process which tends to work against me, but there are indeed chemical forces going on as well. I have been able to see the warning signs and correct them before they get full blown. Except I stopped taking my meds Sunday and by Wednesday I was on the verge of snapping at my poor hubby before I realized I was totally loosing it. Thursday the same thing happened. Thankfully I caught it before I really did snap at him, but I made sure I picked up my meds and started taking them again.
I feel better already and I know it's not because they are already effective, it's just the easing of my mind, knowing that I'm getting back on track. It's a good thing.
One thing I noticed was I think I still need meds for my depression. Yes, I can control the environmental forces and my own thought process which tends to work against me, but there are indeed chemical forces going on as well. I have been able to see the warning signs and correct them before they get full blown. Except I stopped taking my meds Sunday and by Wednesday I was on the verge of snapping at my poor hubby before I realized I was totally loosing it. Thursday the same thing happened. Thankfully I caught it before I really did snap at him, but I made sure I picked up my meds and started taking them again.
I feel better already and I know it's not because they are already effective, it's just the easing of my mind, knowing that I'm getting back on track. It's a good thing.
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