sad day

It's a sad day for me as I realize the extent of my mom's manipulation. I love her. How can I not. But, love and loyalty asside, it doesn't change people's actions. The truth is the truth is the truth.
So where does that leave me? More determined to set boundaries and stand by them. More determined to rely upon God's and not human's direction. More aware and more awake. Better protected.

Note to Self: 5th Edition

I just realized it's Friday and I haven't even STARTED my Note to Self piece. I usually start it, um, Saturday.
Yeah.
A little behind.
I guess I let the whole "just relax and give yourself a break every once in a while" mentality hang around a little too long!

1. But I did learn (once again) that I'm not alone in the world! There is at least one other precious misunderstood soul out there that has what I call "sinus days" every once in awhile for no apparent reason! Well, turns out there might be a reason and I should check with my doctor about it.

Don't ya just love blog-land?

2. Hmmm. Let's see. What else have I learned...
Ah yes, clotheslines are wonderful. Especially wonderful are the sheets that are dried on clotheslines. And sheets that are dried on clotheslines make outside-smelling beds that we can sleep on, dreaming of gramma's house in the summertime when she'd open all the windows because she refused to use air conditioning and we could smell the outside all night long.

Mmm. Clotheslines ARE wonderful.

3. Change takes courage. Can't elaborate on that just yet, but trust me on this one.

4. Cameras don't work when you don't charge the batteries. At least the newfangled cameras with batteries that require recharging don't anyway.

5. When I try to think of stuff I've learned throughout the week at the last minute, I don't do so well!

I'll make up for it next week!

What have you learned this week?

the good the bad and the ugly revisited

I received a quite insightful comment on an earlier post and again found myself responding at length. I think I'd rather share it here though....

(parts of the comment:)

...I found I felt much better when I stood up for myself to my ex's family. I wasn't rude. I just did what I thought was best for myself and my family... If they didn't like it... That was their problem. The interesting thing about difficult people is they never go away.
...Love and take care of yourself... Always tell the truth in love and don't be too hard on yourself:) It really is the best way to love your husband :)

(my response:)
Earlier in the year I was seriously contemplating divorce and the thing that made me feel the best about it was the fact that I wouldn't have to deal with his family anymore. (We don't have kids, so we'd essentially be going our own ways.) Now that I've recommitted to the marriage, time and time again I realize that his family is the biggest wedge between us. It's where most of the dissension begins.
I am beginning to calmly stand up for myself and my decisions without apology, but without being rude about it. I can only take responsibility for my actions and reactions. Their happiness is up to them. And I think my hubby is just starting to catch on too. But even that isn't my responsibility, it's his.
You make a very good point that difficult people never go away. No matter how much we grow and mature, it often has no bearing on others' maturity. But we can live in peace when we take responsibility for ourselves and let them have responsibility for themselves. Even if they want to blame us, we don't have to take that on.
I was blessed that I had a personal counseling appointment Friday afternoon right before we went camping with his family. "Bill" pointed out two things to me. 1.) the "Leave and Cleave" command in Genesis is directed to the son. It's not completely the parent's responsibility to let their child go, it's also up to the son to make changes to his relationship with his parents. Not that he should completely cut them out of his life, but there is a change in priorities that should occur, and it's his responsibility to initiate that. It's naturally designed to occur in the adolescence, but often enough never occurs at all.
2.) Philippians 4:4-8 gives us a good guideline to achieving peace.
A.) "Rejoice in the Lord" (so hard to do when focusing all our energy on the people who are driving us crazy!)
B.) "Don't be anxious for ANYthing."
C.) "Instead pray and petition." The word used for Petition means a detailed request. This is more for our benefit than for God's because he already knows! But it creates intimacy when we spend the time to get into detail in our cry for help.
D.) "With thanksgiving." Why would we be thankful? Because it's an opportunity for growth in our lives. Because it's an opportunity for us to become more intimate with God. For any number of reasons. Maybe it's and opportunity to portray God's compassion to those that are hurting us.
E.) "Think on things..." that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. It's really hard to remain tense and anxious and focused on retaliation when we're thinking on this kind of thing, isn't it! LOL.
A tool that Bill encouraged me to initiate is to take notecards and write verses on them that would help me to "think on these things." I did just that over the weekend, starting with these very verses! Others that I've added are Romans 8:28 , James 1:2-6 and Jeremiah 29:10-13.

By way of follow-up, on the surface, it seems that the weekend went fairly smoothly. I fully expect that my hubby will get a scathing phone call this afternoon though. *sigh*, another reminder that we can't control their actions and feelings. They may have the perspective that we MAKE them feel this, but the reality is that they choose their feelings, even as we choose ours. We can choose to live our own lives or continue to be puppeted by them. I even found myself at times over the weekend reading insult into probably innocuous things, but caught myself most times before I jumped to that conclusion. I imagine the same is true for them. Though whether they "caught themselves" or were looking for insult is up to them, not me.

I am at peace this morning knowing that I did what I could while maintaining my personal boundaries and there is nothing that I would do differently.

The challenge that will make the most difference

I saw this a few months ago, thought it was a great idea, and promptly forgot about it. (That was pre-How to Grow blog.)
The 30-day Husband Encouragement Challenge.
It includes daily suggestions and scriptures. I'm starting today!

And with that, I declare no more new challenges for August!

Slow Progress

Decisions:

I've been considering starting a separate blog for just crafting, but have come to realize that there's just one me. There's so much overlap of my inner mind, my crafting, my eating habits, my craziness...it's all intertwined. So I'm keeping the blog as-is right now, in sort of a "Wholistic Approach to Personal Growth."

Empowerment:

I had a hard discussion with a good friend last night. A lifelong friend, to be exact. My hubby and I have both known Keith since grade school/junior high. He introduced the two of us at the age of 20, and as long as we've known him, he's not changed a bit. He's still that rambunctious grade school kid having a blast on the playground! Good in some ways, not in others.

We talked for almost an hour and it was tough. There was confrontation, having to be assertive, and anxiety that he'd be his normal aggressive/defensive-by-being-offensive self. It was a little touch and go there for a little while, but in the end, I think it worked out well.

I learned a lot. I learned that I can say what I need to without apology because standing up for yourself then following it up by apologizing for it isn't standing up for yourself at all. I said some hard things and he said some hard things and at first I think he was just slashing back, trying to defend himself by deflecting the attention and being hurtful, but in the end we hit the middle ground and the things that were said were still hard to hear, but less hurtful and closer to the truth. I'm really surprised by that and proud of him for it. It could have really gone bad quickly.

I think part of what saved it was that I prayed first, (and during), and really held my tongue a lot and let him talk for about 8 minutes straight at one point. I remember sitting there, thinking to myself: I have so much to say back, I can think of some real zingers that would be so clever, but I don't want that. I want to preserve this friendship if possible, but with healthy boundaries. I can't let him walk all over me, but I'm not going to walk all over him either.

The thing is, I've been trying to be more assertive and establishing boundaries for over a year and this is the first time it's really been tested where I've held my ground instead of just removing myself from the situation in order to preserve the boundaries. Talk about slow progress! But I think it's revealing that it's with Keith and not someone like a parent. It's going to be a lot more difficult to do this with my parents. Even though we have a "good" relationship, it's almost like it's too good. It's too open, it's too. It's expected that my life is an open book to them, and that's not healthy either.

All in all, this was a good starting place, and a good confidence builder.

Wardrobe Refashioning:

I had my second fabric dyeing experience last night with some success. I turned a blah tan polo into a nice soft teal. I'm wearing it today! It also had a orang-ish stain on the collar that is no longer there, so I'm a very happy woman! (doesn't take much, does it?) Does anyone know where this comes from? I also have a few other shirts with similar stains and they all seem to be around or near the neckline. At first I thought it might be iron in the water, but why would it only be around the collars? Now I think it might be makeup but I really only use powder anymore.

Light bulb moment...I use a benzoyl peroxide cream from time to time for acne...I bet that's it!

Okay, never mind...(Thank you for touring the inner recesses of MJ's mind. The tour is now over, if you'll kindly exit to the left. Leave nothing behind, we will not be responsible for lost or stolen articles. )

*Ahem*

I also finally got around to refashioning my hubby's old work coat into a bike jacket. Phases one and two were to 1: cut out the heavy winter lining and ragged edges of where the pockets used to be; and 2: dye it some other color in the off chance the difference in the faded and non-faded colors wouldn't be so noticeable.

I roughly cut out the lining. I just wanted there to be less material for the dye bath and I wanted to do it quickly because I didn't want to be up all night, so I plan on touching it up later. Then I took the time to pretty up the remaining material where the pockets used to be. This is an old coat we've used as a "donator jacket," using the heavy canvas material for patches on his work pants and other heavily worn items. Both front pockets have been repurposed, but that left big dark areas that used to be the insides of the pockets.

Needless to say (you probably saw this coming), the dye bath did little to disguise the dark areas.

(But look, we get that "distressed" look people pay big bucks for!)

Phase 3 was to attach heavy duty snaps since the zipper no longer works (thus the reason for retiring it and getting another jacket.) I've since found out we can actually mail the coat to Carhardt for zipper repair...the zippers have a lifetime warranty! Alas, I never did so and here we are...I'll do the snaps tonight.

My hubby asked me last night what I was going to do for a bike jacket. Hmmm. What he doesn't know (and I haven't said yet here either) is that I'm going to use this old coat for my bike jacket and surprise him with another one! I'll have to make a few alterations though, so it won't be a complete surprise...See I'm 5'1" and he's 6' tall! Slight alterations necessary...plus I'm thinking of taking some faded jean material to make pockets with. Maybe even an applique. Or not. I'm going to be a biker girl after all, not a place for cutsie.

Remember that busted zipper? Well, it's no surprise that Carhardt has a lifetime warranty on them because they must know it's an issue...we have another old coat with the same problem. All I have to do with that one is take out the winter lining and attach the heavy duty snaps and my hubby gets a new bike jacket! I haven't harvested any scraps of material from the pockets on that one yet, so there's no reason to play with dye. (And that way we won't be so matchy-matchy.)

We already have matching helmets (which we hadn't planned on,) and he's not the type to do that kind of stuff, so I don't want to go too far with it! (The helmets we found together on craigslist for a fantastic deal and were barely used, so we couldn't pass them up!)

Crafting/Organization:

Sunday I laid out all the embroidery floss skeins that would fit on the table...over 200.

I did some figuring, took into account the limited space I have, did some more figuring, and decided to store the skeins in the stitchbow/binder system. Then I ran out and bought out the nearest Michael's supply of binders and bows.

I managed to get a few of the skeins into the first binder before retiring Sunday night...and I went back to work on it last night.

(Monday's starting shot: the laptop and bag systems are sitting gingerly on top of more skeins!)

I made more progress last night, but I have more floss still in the floss-a-way baggie system since I couldn't fit those onto the table so I have to always check to make sure I'm not skipping some of those (which happens with frequency!) Oi. It's like filing two stacks of papers into one stack. It gets complicated. Especially if you're dyeing fabric at the same time... ; )

(I love just looking at my floss! It's like studying the menu at the ice cream shop!)

But I did manage to get the first of the four rows completed, so I'm a happy woman! I'm just really frustrated that it could take me eight solid nights to get them off my table so I can do some sewing! *sigh*

(Monday night's ending shot)

In over my head? or brave enought to attempt it?

Okay, I have a new idea. I was thinking about my open shelf unit for the sea shells I have collected and was feeling a little precarious about the whole thing. The thing is, our property directly abuts the railroad and our house shakes just a little every time it goes by. Thankfully it creeps by at about 20-30 mph, but still...it's enough that we are very carefull about properly hanging pictures and breakables.
So here's a free tour of "How MJ's Brain Works:"
Without a glass front to the shelves, I'm thinking the shells may not be so safe inside the shelves.

Then I got to thinking about securing them within the shelves or on/in something different than the shelves, which lead me to recalling how I sewed my hubby's aunt's weaving to a canvas which I painted first.

Except not all of the shells have holes in them which will lend to being attached to some material by simply stitching a loop around it.
Then I recalled one of my favorite beaders' work. Triz is a magician with beadwork! The technique I'm thinking of now is called Flatwork. Check out her site as well as her Etsy shop... absolutely incredible work!
Now I'm thinking...I'm a baby beader. Flatwork is like WOW, way ahead of my level. Do I dare attempt it? Or do I plunge in and learn as I go?
Still mulling it over...

Choices

I'm contemplating a job change. I currently work with 6 people in a small lab and we all work together really well. I've worked at enough companies that I know it's a rare gem of an opportunity to work in this kind of environment. My boss is very good. He's fair, flexible and jumps in to take on whatever needs to be done. He is very loyal to his staff and in turn, we're quite loyal to him. I think I get paid very well considering what I do.

However. I don't like what I do there and the hours are tough on my home life. I think I've mentioned this before! LOL. I've been presented with a possible opportunity to change jobs. I say possible opportunity because I haven't even interviewed yet. It would mean the same amount of commute, uber better benefits and the opportunity to get back to Human Resources...which I've done in the past and have kicked myself for leaving it!

Now closer to the point: I have an interview three days before my current boss goes on a two week vacation. Assuming they offer me the job when he's on vacation, I'd then not really give him the chance to plan for my position being vacated in a timely manner. As I said, we're very loyal to him and to the company as a whole. They treat us very well and he has put up with my health problems and with my lack of motivation with a great deal of understanding. I know it's not my responsibility to consider his position in my change-over, but we work in a different sort of company than the run-of-the-mill place.

I'm considering sitting down with him and giving him a head's up that I'm looking for another position. I know I don't owe it to him, but I think it would make it easier for me if it was out in the open. I want him to know that I know I'm not working up to our expectations, (yes, mine included) and that I'm doing something about it. That this will be a benefit for all in the long run because the company needs to have someone motivated to do this work and it just isn't what I care to do. I read a portion of a blog today that said it exactly:

"If you’re finding a hard time motivating yourself to work on tasks, it may be because of a disconnect between the task at hand and the larger goals you envision for yourself. Spend some time looking at the tasks you have at hand and whether or not they’re in line with the bigger picture of what you’re trying to accomplish, then minimize the tasks that are unimportant.
I do this regularly. There are a number of tasks throughout my day that don’t really push me directly on towards my goals, so these often get pushed to the side for more important tasks (like writing solid articles). Whenever I get bogged down, I just push aside the less important stuff...Every day you put aside your bigger goals is a day you put off achieving your dreams." The blog is The Simple Dollar, by Trent Hamm. I highly recommend it!

This excerpt really freed me. I have been very hard on myself for the last few weeks because of my lack of motivation. I felt that I was being lazy, a quitter, always looking for greener pastures. But I did as advised...looked at the tasks I do on a daily basis in light of my life goals. I report daily accounts receivables (payments received) and do medical collections. I am a glorified data entry clerk and I spend alot of time on the phone with insurance companies...usually will automated computers! My life goals never included making other people gobs of money. I'm not working for a cause, I'm not benefiting anyone but myself and the company I work for. I don't try to save our patients money (at least I'm not supposed to!).
I want to do something that helps people. Working in Human Resources I was constantly able to find solutions, correct pay and benefits problems, help the department become more efficient, make people's jobs easier. Viewed through Trent Hamm's perspective, I am daily putting aside my bigger goals and putting off my dreams. No wonder I'm unmotivated.

I'm still considering whether I ought to sit down with my boss and discuss this. I think he might appreciate the head's up, knowing that I am aware of the disconnect and that I may be moving on soon. I don't want to burn my bridges. Not that I think I'd ever come back here, but if they suddenly turned from a 7-person opperation to 30, he might consider bringing in an HR person instead of doing it himself!

We'll see...I may see how the interview goes first...
I'd highly appreciate anyone else's viewpoints on this!

Emotional eating, NASCAR, and remembering

At my last counseling session, "Bill" and I talked about my eating habits. I brought it up, among other things, but hadn't intended for it to be something to work on JUST YET. Well, the more we talked about it, the more I realized that this is indeed the time to do something about it. This picture is of me about a year ago, after I'd lost quite a bit of weight. I have since gained it back and then some. Bill encouraged me to begin an eating journal, especially focusing on when I am "emotionally eating."

I plan to start the journal Monday, after I return from our "camping" trip to New Hampshire Motor Speedway for the NASCAR race! Go Tony! (Stewart) Actually, I'm a big Joe Gibbs fan, but Tony's driving talent caught my eye before I knew about Joe Gibb's ownership of the team.

Right, back to the topic...I'll probably post some of the entries here, as I examine my eating habits and how my emotions impact (and are impacted by) what I eat.

I've also been thinking a lot today about something that happened right around the time that picture was taken. My hubby and I have been trying on-and-off for five years to start a family. To this date, we've been unsuccesful. Last year, I really thought I was pregnant. It seemed obvious at the time. I had extreme mood swings I'd never had in all my years of PMS, I was "late," and had regular feelings of nausea. Looking back, the explanation seems clear. I was on some hormones that usually helps PMS, but with me it became worse. I was traveling, which also sometimes has an effect on your menstrual cycle. But while it was happening, it wasn't so clear.

I wasn't just sure. I'd been "sure" half a dozen times in the last four years. I was POSITIVE. 100%. Over the moon; didn't need a test to know; this was it.

We were still traveling when I got my period. I was dumbfounded, numb, walking around in a daze. Thankfully, it was the middle of a two-week vacation so I had some time to pull myself together, but still...I can remember sitting in a museum presentation thinking "here I am, watching this movie. How? Why? After (I thought) loosing the baby? This is crazy. How can I be doing THIS after THAT just happened? As if it's just another day. As if I'm perfectly fine. "

To further complicate matters, things weren't real great with me and my hubby at the time. I'd decided just before "discovering" the pregnancy that I was going to stop seeing the specialist for a while until our marriage was doing better. I had real fears as relating to parenting with him and knew that we needed major help before moving forward with a family. But once I thought I was pregnant, there was no way I was going to regret it, no matter what state our marriage was in! I looked all my fears in the eye and moved forward, ready to embrace the challenge and do my best without looking back.

So a year later, I look back and remember those days. It still seems so surreal. In a way it's a blessing that it happened while away because I don't have to walk around the house remembering sitting on the couch for hours at a time in contemplation. It was some anonymous hotel room out in the world somewhere and I'll never have to see it again.

I think I'm stronger for it though. My mom said she had a dream that one day I'd face a difficult challenge, decide to face it with courage and integrity, and then have it be taken away.

That's just how I want to live my life...with courage and integrity. And it's so true that sometimes the blessings and challenges are the same thing and sometimes they are taken away. But courage and integrity can never be taken away, only forfeited by choice.

Courage

I've spent a lot of time picking apart the serenity prayer in recent months. Serenity, acceptance, change, wisdom, etc...all great things to contemplate. But to put it into action....that's where it gets hard.

I think I focused too long on the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change" and just stalled out, as if I just have to accept everything. I was not raised empowered to make change in my life, but to be content with what I had, to look at the glass half-full, to smile despite the pain. And to a certain extent, those are all good things. But it is not the whole of how life works. There is time for being content in all kinds of circumstances, and there is a time for standing up for yourself and others in unjust circumstances.

So that brings be to "the courage to change the things I can." I have had it drilled into me that I cannot change the world. I cannot change another person. I cannot change much. I've also believed the lie that I cannot change myself. But I can change myself. To an extent. I mean, I can't change my past, my memories, my heritage, or my DNA. But I can work to change my attitude, my actions, my demeanor and my perspective.

You can change nothing but yourself, but through changing yourself, you can affect change in the world.