Conundrum

Sometimes this body of mine just confounds me. In my limited knowledge, I just don't know what to make of it. I'm 7 days "late" but the pregnancy test says "nope, nada, try again!" I am smelling things I've never smelt before, I'm constantly tired, extremely sensitive, I am getting hot flashes. Hot flashes? Am I peri-menapausal? Oi.
I'm 32 years old and while one of my Aunts went through menopause pretty young, I think she was at least 37. I could be wrong. But pregnant women have hot flashes too. But their tests usually come out possitive too...so, {sigh}.
I didn't want to take the test. It's a very volnerable two minutes. Do you look at it the whole time, or go brush your teeth or something and pretend your future doesn't hang in the balance? And then it's negative and you wonder if you did it right. Was there any way you could have messed it up? But you know you did it right. You've only taken the test fourty two times in the last five years. (slight exageration!) And then you simply accept. Unless this isn't the fourty second time you've done it and you still wonder and convince yourself somehow that the test was wrong and you'll take it again the next day to prove it!
Ah well. In the end, I'll probably test again Tuesday. Give it a few days. Unless of course something happens in the mean time....

Opening and closing doors

I've gone on a few interviews for HR positions and registered for a couple of temp agencies. I have to say I've kind of tanked a couple of the interviews because I've been somewhat honest about my long term goals. I really want to move in the direction of social services eventually. Really, I'd love to do that now, but have no experience (besides my associates degree and internship.)
Ten years ago when I wanted to get into Human Resources, I looked for an entry level position and worked for six months as a receptionist in an HR department.
Today I found a position at Easter Seals as an Administrative Assistant. I can't express how excited this made me! I didn't even think of implementing the same kind of plan as I did ten years ago!
The other little bonus is that it's a part time position and within two miles from home. It's crazy amazing how God is opening opportunities for me! I was so excited last week when I was called for an interview 4 miles from home, then incredibly dissapointed when I didn't get it. But this was waiting in the wings, a position in the direction I really want to be taking but didn't think was possible.
This is a tough time to be unemployed though. I don't want to get political, but I think as soon as the election is over, (no matter what the outcome is), things will begin to settle down. But in the meantime, I am listening to my hubby on the phone with one of our friends who is in a sales position. He's not selling anything, and my hubby's company hasn't sold any new contracts lately. I am certainly not alone.

Barefoot and loving it

There's something wonderful about bare feet in the dewy morning grass. I've never liked being barefooted in the grass before. It tickles and itches my ankles and it always irritated me. But ever since my hubby put up the clothesline earlier this summer, I've been loving being barefooted in the grass. Maybe it's because it's still wet with dew and the droplets are still shimmering in the early morning sun. Or because the birds are still chirping. Since I normally didn't get up until the last possible moment before I had to get ready for work, I never got the chance to enjoy that early morning sound.
Now my morning ritual includes barefeet in the dewy grass and when I miss it, I certainly miss it. Through tough leathery soles, I am connected to the earth in a way that my ancestors were. It surprises me, but it's a gentle surprise. Almost as if I'd known it all along, but didn't yet recognize.
It's taken about two weeks, but I'm officially no longer stressed out. This time of rest has been so good for every part of me. The body, mind, soul...all rested. I have been able to establish structure and routine, discipline to keep to the day's plan, and contentment, even eagerness to do housework, cooking, baking, cleaning. I know it's time to go back to work, but I will miss this time of being home, taking care of my family, preparing for the winter. Putting food up for the winter makes me feel so connected to womankind. To my ancestors. To my family and to time.
I find purpose and contentment in taking care of the house, all of the details of managing life here in our little house. It's no wonder I get overwhelmed when I'm working and shopping and cooking and cleaning and crashing because I can't do it ALL damnit!
My heart yearns to find a nice little part time job close to home. To contribute to the community around me daily, but more importantly: to contribute to our home daily too. There are so many times when I simply drag myself home to crash in a heap and hope there's something in the freezer. Instead, these days I work all day to put something in the freezer!
My hubby simply years for me to return to full time employment and I can't really blame him. It's a lot of pressure on his shoulders...his one freshly injured shoulder and the other one that was injured a few years ago! Yeah. It might be time to sell those ATV's. (Shhh!)
I've broached the subject with him before...and I know where he stands, but I wonder if I should approach the subject again. I can see the benefits being a smoother running household and a more mentally healthy wife, but I may simply be looking for the good and ignoring the faults in the idea.
Now I'm just rambling, so I'll sign off, but I can't wait for morning.
And barefeet in the dew-drenched grass.

Perspective Shift

As I embark on my first Eat Local Challenge, I have already begun to think of my food differently, and it surprises me. Being out of work, I've decided to spend my days putting up food to avoid the high cost of produce in January. I pretty much decide every morning what I want to make, go to the store or a farm stand, and proceed to make whatever it is I've decided on.

This has given me a great excuse to seek out different farms and markets than I normally visit since I'm not as pressed for time as I usually am. I actually found myself dissapointed the other day to figure out that the Twist of Fate Farm isn't within ten miles of my home. Ten miles. Doesn't sound like much, especially since most of the food I've eaten my whole life probably comes from hundreds, even thousands of miles away! But I had this idea in my head that I wanted to see if I could get everything I needed within ten miles.

This isn't just a food-related thought, it's a whole lifestyle coming together. While I'm looking for a new job, I'm focusing on staying local. I've gotten a lot of greif about this from people that say - it's no big deal to commute 20 miles north or south to Nashua or Concord. Heck, a lot of people commute to Boston from Manchester. But this is my choice and my life.


I've also noticed that the food I'm purchasing lately is much more personal. I've met the guy who works the land and harvests the produce. I've met his teenage boy, and waved to his wife. I've walked by the chicken coops and the pig pens on the farm where I got my eggs and bacon, I heard them clucking and snorting. I've gushed over the freshness of the eggs. They are more precious than "regular" eggs. They are infinitely more precious than the single dollar extra I paid for them. They are somehow more real and I plan how I'm going to use them much more carefully. This morning I set about to make chicken nuggets using an egg batter. I debated if I really wanted to use four of my precious eggs as an egg batter! Really. They're going to be eaten SOMEHOW, why not this way...


But it takes me back to a few years ago. We were doing a Bible Study about the tabernacle and the temple. One part explained how sacrifices were made and how the person seeking forgiveness had to bring the live sacrifice to the altar and kill it there. The person had to physically kill the animal right then and there. Ever since, I haven't looked at a single piece of meat the same again. I used to get chicken or something and put it in the fridge intending to cook it right away or within a few days...but something would come up and we'd eat something else and before you know it, the meat would go bad. Since visuallizing the sacrifice at the altar, I have rarely had to throw away bad meat. It just doesn't happen. I am so much more aware of the waste, the meaningless waste.


I think it's very smart to be thinking about eating locally in the fall, specifically. It's a natural time to be putting food up for the winter, and concentrating on eating locally at this time thereby ensures that you'll be eating locally through the winter as well.


My goal for the October Eat Local Challenge is to find a new source of locally grown or raised food each week and to make at least one completely local meal each week. I am still on the hunt for locally milled flour, and I have found a couple sources listed online. Not within my 10-mile radius, but still well within the region. Now it's just a matter of getting my butt over there!

In Memory

The seventh anniversary of 9/11 was last week. It's not that I forgot. I purposely waited to post. I wanted to really think about what it means to me. You know, beyond the heightened security and general inconvenience of it all. It's not that I'm annoyed by these things, it's that I'm annoyed by the fact that it seems many of my fellow Americans have forgotten the reason why we are abiding by new rules and regulations.
I am not nearly old enough to remember Pearl Harbor, but I remember every year when it comes and goes. I am ashamed to say, it's not because of a relative's death, a military attachment, a reverance for what those men stood for, the turning point in our country's history that day. No, it's because it happens to coincide with the day I met my husband. Yeah. And how many other great, historical dates come and go without pause from the people of this great country and our busy lifestyle? Hundreds, if not thousands.
Then I wonder...how long will it be before I completely forget? How many years will go by before that day in Two-Thousand-Something that 9/11 comes and goes and I don't even think once about the significance of the date and what transpired in 2001? It saddens me to think that what we experienced, what we grieved over, and what took me weeks and months to stop thinking about every day may now be put into a text book and memorized without passion and kids will learn about it with even less passion and once the test is over, it will be promptly forgotten.
I don't have an eloquent way of closing this post. "Never Forget" is both cliche and unrealistic. To say I'm saddened both by the events and by the fact that it's become just another day is both cliche and maybe a bit naive. Any trauma that we experience will eventually heal. But healing is not forgetting.

Long time, ...

I think this is the longest I've ever gone without posting on this blog! 4 long days.

Well, to catch you up...the biggest news of all...I've only got two weeks left in my current job. I met with my boss this morning and he said let's transision sooner rather than later, offered to keep me for two weeks and I guess that's that.

I feel like my head is spinning!

And with that, I'll go back to scrambling to make sense of it all...oh, and I have an interview in the morning.

Note to Self: 6th Edition

1. I don't have to accept myself the way I am. Some say you should. I say why settle? Yes, being happy with who you are is sometimes healthy. In the right context. But being open to change verses becoming complacent is healthy as well. If you're happy with who you are, but ignoring major flaws of charachter, that's a problem.

2. Be Present. While I'm being pulled in three directions (yes, down from 10!), I have to watch myself. You know the saying "borrowing $ from Peter to pay Paul." I have to make sure I'm not stealing time from Peter to spend with Paul. (Don't tell my hubby!)

3. Objectivity is golden. Through out marital counseling, I had an individual session where all we talked about was my family of origin. "Phil" asked some questions that seemed rather irrelevant at the time, but it really opened my eyes to the deeper dynamics of our family. I think of myself as a pretty intuitive and self-aware kinda gal, but he really helped me see even deeper. It was an incredibly valuable experience being able to gather his objective insight.

4. Delayed Gratification is Sweet. I hope. I haven't been able to get to the Department of Motor Vehicles to officially upgrade my driver's licence to motorcycle operator, so as I drive around town seeing all these people in office clothes atop their sport bikes (so funny to see!), it's a bit of a taunt to me! But I'll eventually have my bike and can start riding just like them, and it'll be sweet indeed!

5. My hubby and I are so in tuned to each other, and we both avoid confrontation so much, that when one is upset, the other retreats. Then the upset one retreats and the other retreats even more. This is a totally stupid spiral that goes on and on. In order to break the cylce, one of us has to change, and it looks like it's going to be me.

6. As far as I've come, as mature as I've gotten, {snort}, I've got a lot to learn.

{Swift River, Kancamagus Highway, near Conway, NH}

{Reflection of a grey heron on Conway Lake in Conway, NH}

the globe in my living room

Seriously.
I just posted a Note to Self Friday...
Like, yesterday!
Or, maybe the day before....
Yeah, I guess it was a week ago.

{sigh}

I'm sitting in my dark livingroom wishing I was asleep, the windows are open and I hear the crickets and some animal chirping or croaking. Chroaking.
The cool breeze wafts in the window and I try to ignore the sound of the tractor trailer rolling down the highway on the other side of the river.
I couldn't sleep because the upstairs was still so hot from the house being closed up all day, hopefully by the time my eyes refuse to open again the upstairs will be as cool as it is down here. Or it won't matter and I can fall asleep anyway!

I just stopped by Cathy's blog, Keeping it Real at 66 degrees North Latitude and was in for a reality check! They are preparing for frost. (In Alaska) It's August and they're preparing for frost! Only minutes before, I was admiring Tabitha'a patio set which she hopes to use sometime in the next few months when "the temps are bearable!" (In Arizona) Am I the only one that thinks this is funny? Is it because it's after midnight?

Ah, well...I suppose I should be thinking of the things I've learned in the last week...

Thrifty Thursday: switching from two to one income

Okay, a few of the ideas I found at thriftideas.com weren't exactly news items. We all probably pretty much know these things or think of them as common sense, but they are good reminders.


Surprise to me:
~You can freeze milk! As a seldom-milk-drinker, I buy the smallest amount possible when I know we'll have use for it, but still often find myself throwing some of it away a week later.


My Favorite Tip:
~Make-ahead your own basic and convenience food supplies. Such as granola, jam, hard-boiled-eggs, applesauce, etc. Sure, we can get them pre-made, but for quite a price!

Announcing: Totally Free Find!!!
I was stoked last night to find Kitchen Manuals Online, where I finally found the instruction manual for my $5 yard sale bread machine! I could have also gone through the manufacturer but every time I've tried in the last month, I get errors! There are also sites out there that will charge $8+ for these manuals! Don't pay for a manual until you've checked this site out! I was able to go directly to a PDF File and save it right onto my laptop.

I've been thinking more and more about living on one income. Neither me or my hubby are executives, making six figures (I don't think we even make 6 figures between us!) so it's not like living on my hubby's income would be simple. Then again, if we were making 6 figures, we'd be living a different lifestyle and the changes necessary for going from two to one income would also be hard.

But let's face it, living in America, in New England (and some other areas) is rather expensive. Yes, we've gotten used to living a certain lifestyle. In my estimation, it's rather frivolous of us to go to two NASCAR races every year (and this year we're adding a third-ouch!). And I think it's frivolous to have "more than basic" cable. I'm sure there are a ton of other things we're spending money on that are totally unnecessary, but I digress.

At stretcher.com I found this article which talks about going from two to one incomes. I loved reading Sue's entire story, but was thrilled at how she ended it: "I think the one thing we have learned from this transition is that time is a commodity that people rarely put a price on and yet it is probably the most valuable thing we possess."

At Kaboose.com, I found another arcticle about switching from two to one income. As I've mentioned, I don't know if we'll be able to have kids or not, but I definitely want to stay home regardless.

The more I think about the ways in which we can save, cut back, and make extra money doing other things, the more I come to realize many of these things take time out of the day. Not that I'm looking for the "easy way out," but I'm being realistic about my abilities and expectations. We still don't have a 40 hour day and I'm still not going home after working all day to weed the garden and sew up crafts to sell and fold the laundry and turn the kitchen into a showplace.

It's just not...gonna...happen.

I haven't even broached the subject with my hubby yet, but I want to make living on his income work. Before I bring it up with him, though, I think I have to have all my little duckies in a row or he'll completely dismiss the idea! I quit my job once before to pursue a career with a direct sales company and it ended in disaster. We were so deep in debt it looked hopeless. Our marriage suffered and I slipped into the biggest depression I've ever experienced. I anticipate that the first words I speak about this will completely shut my hubby down and he'll stop listening.

But I think, given the experience we had before, we can make it work this time. We hadn't changed our lifestyle any. I drove a gas-guzzling SUV, we went out to dinner, I still impulse shopped, we made no changes. We lived in an imaginary world and were rudely awakened by ruining our spotless credit and the phone ringing off the hook from collectors' calls. Ouch.

This time, we have the benefit of our previous experience to teach us what NOT to do.

Eco-Frugality

Somehow I missed Hot Topic Tuesdays over at a very mary design. It was fantastic what she wrote about and the comments that generated had loads of examples about smart ways to "go green."

Very Mary ended her post by asking "how has the Green movement effected you and yours?"

My Comment:
"I have just begun thinking more about this in the past few months because I felt I was just one person, how much of a difference could I make? But I finally decided to do something about it when I saw how economical greener living could be (when not buying into SOME of the green marketing ploys out there). First I stopped buying new clothes, then it spring boarded from there...we re purpose, recycle, or compost almost all of what we used to consider trash, use hankies and rags instead of Kleenex and paper towels, use a clothesline instead of the dryer, driving the speed limit instead of wasting gas, use fans during the day (while we're not home) instead of running the AC ALL DAY LONG (While We're Not There!!!) and so much more! It's really incredible the different ways you can "go green" when it just makes economical sense!"


But I forgot that I also:
~Make my own household cleaners
~Use reusable grocery bags
~Got my motorcycle licence
~We've used a built-in water filter system for years (no bottled water)
~Planning a veggie garden for next year
~Reuse plastic baggies (unless they had raw meat in them. I know you CAN clean them, but I don't want to take any chances with that!)
~Drive with as little weight in the car/trunk as possible (saves on gas mileage)
~Put two 1-litre bottles of rinse water in the toilet tank (saves 2 liters of water for every flush)
~If/when we have kids, I plan on using cloth diapers and using more old-t-shirt-rags instead of wipes (and forget about the wipe warmer!)
~Unplug the TV, appliances, etc when not in use.
~As a carpenter, my hubby brings home the extra cuttings from the lumber they use and we have a backyard fire almost every weekend with them instead of just tossing it all in a dumpster.
~Since my company shreds confidential documents then piles that shredded paper in the general trash, I take it home instead to use for making my own recycled Christmas Cards.


But I wonder if she was actually asking not "what do you do that's green," but "how is your life different with the changes that you've made?"


I think the biggest change in my life is a total difference in perspective. I blogged awhile ago about how I no longer shop just for clothes, but I shop for clothes with an eye for the fabric.
First of all, I don't shop for new products unless absolutely necessary. I'll search for a used item before I'll break down and buy used.
So when I go to a thrift shop and check out the clothes there, I'm no longer looking for something that fits me, or even a specific color or fabric, I just shop with an eye out for something that catches my interest.

What have I purchased new recently?
~Bound Index Cards which will stay bound, I'm making them into a book (and they were made from recycled materials)
~An outlet timer. (I think that's what it's called. People often use them when they go on vacation so their lights will come on and go off at different times of the day, making it look like they are still home. I didn't want to take any chances on a faulty timer, so I bought new.)
~Flash Drive (not taking any chances with polluting my laptop!)
~Memory Card for my camera (ditto the above for my camera!)


I also find myself getting the motivations of "Eco-friendly" and "frugality" mixed up in my mind a lot. I am motivated first to be frugal, then to be Eco-friendly. Then I get immersed in the whole concept of being Eco-friendly, and I think of other ways to save money (yes, switching back again) because so many of the ideas for being Eco-friendly are also frugal!


It's a wonderful spiraling train of thought and I'm just so psyched to be making such wise choices and changes in my life!


Other changes I've made that are more frugal than Eco-friendly (not to say that they aren't Eco-friendly though!):
~Making most meals from scratch
~bringing coffee & lunches to work instead of "fast-fooding"
~Stash Month - I haven't bought a single sewing or craft item for all of August!
~First limited my yard saling to the city I live in, then restricted all yard saling activity for a month. (Lot's of gas being used driving all over "tarnation"; and money spend on yard sales is the same as money spend at another "sale", albeit less expensively...but still...)

And Eco-Frugal things I do:
~taking the 30+mpg car instead of the 20-mpg truck unless absolutely necessary (for moving things or camping with lots of cargo)
~adding uncooked pasta to cold water then boiling, shutting off the stove and letting it sit for 10 minutes
~eating more raw veggies and fruits (Eco-Frugal and healthy too, oh my!)
~bought the outlet timer (above) so I can use my old crockpot that doesn't have an automatic shut off instead of going out and buying a third crockpot!!! (Which I really really wanted to do!)


So what do you do that's Eco-Frugal?

Clanging Cymbal, Resounding Gong

I recently ran across this post over at to the ends of the earth, and it spoke to my heart. Among other things, this jumped out at me and I can't help but to share:

Winston Churchill once said, “We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” The only way to say this better is found in 2 Corinthians 9:7 - 8, “Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.”

In turn, this sparked in my heart the begining of the "love chapter," 1 Corinthians 13:

1 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Then I was reminded of a lesson I recently heard in a training. The last few verses in 1 Corinthians 12 gives even more meaning to these above verses:

27 Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it. 28 And in the church God has appointed first of all apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then workers of miracles, also those having gifts of healing, those able to help others, those with gifts of administration, and those speaking in different kinds of tongues. 29 Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? 30 Do all have gifts of healing? Do all speak in tongues? Do all interpret? 31 But eagerly desire the greater gifts.

It reminds me that we all have a specific place, a job, a function to fulfill, according to His design. Like a puzzle, we are the pieces, each with a unique design and coloration and we all fit together PERFECTLY ... when we are fulfilling our designed purpose and serving IN LOVE.

"We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give."

And when we give from the heart, it makes all the difference. Giving for the sake of giving for some reason has so much less of an impact, doesn't it? To give for a tax write off? Not so much. I'm not saying you shouldn't write off your giving. It just makes sense to do so. But what is your motivation? Is the tax write off an extra bonus or is it the main reason you're giving?

conTemplative Tuesdays and new goals

I'd really like to bake or cook something new or from scratch every day.

But is it realistic?

I'd like to do a lot of things every day, but there's still not 40 hours in a day.

If I had 40 hours in a day, I'd work 8, sleep 10, make all my meals from scratch, can something, sew something, hang the laundry out every day (weather permitting), cross stitch something, find new resources for my furniture ministry, plant something, harvest something, blog awhile, have tea with a new friend, visit sick kids, spend time relaxing with my hubby, and take a nap.

But there aren't 40 hours in a day and I still have to work 8, sleep 6 or 7, attend to personal hygiene, eat occasionally, commute, hopefully spend time with my hubby, and of course blog. (LOL!)

So I'll settle for making something new or from scratch at least once a week.

I learned something last night.

I had a lot to do, my sister is coming over tonight and my house was a MESS. There was so much to do to prep for her, plus other things I really wanted to get done.

In the past I'd have obsessed over it the whole way home, speeding, obsessing, going faster, obsessing, going over the plan in my head, cutting off people in the road, etc.

I'd get home completely wound up and storm in, create this terrible energy in the house, and get very little accomplished while expending extreme amounts of energy, including stress and negativity, aimed at the nearest victim which by no fault of his own would have been my hubby.
Instead, I chilled. I had a plan. I had it written down (as I usually do,) and I told myself that it was a guide, not law. If things didn't go just the way I wanted them to, I could adjust. After all, she's seen my house in worse shape before.

It worked well. I got dinner made with my hubby's help (unexpected) and the roasted tomato sauce made, I got a lot of cleaning done, some unexpected heart-to-heart conversations with my hubby (unplanned, as they usually are,) and I even willingly let go of some of the chores on my list and just sat and relaxed for a little while.

I wasn't stressed and didn't blast my hubby away with crazy energy. In fact, we had a really good, productive talk.

Now as I plan tonight's crazy busy schedule, I think back and then look at the plan, and think back. Is it really necessary that I do everything on this list? Am I over extending myself again? Do these things matter in the long run? What's going to matter the most in a week? That I tried that new granola recipe or that I spent time 100% focused on Hyung and listened to how homesick she is even though she's glad to be back? What can I cross off my list or put off to tomorrow? What is most important today?

How's this for a new goal:

I'd really like to discern what's most important in the long run each and every day.
Spending time in quality pursuits.
Leveraging what I'm good at to the greatest benefit.
Not to benefit me, but to benefit my goals in life.
To benefit the under resourced, the exploited.
I don't want to rescue them. Well, I kind of do, but I can see that rescuing isn't helping, it's just displacing the problem from one location to another.
I want to assist them, and educate those that take things for granted like being able to drive to a grocery store with lower prices.
I want the work that I do every day to benefit those goals, not earn my boss another trip to Paris or Greece or Scotland, or any number of frivolous luxury vacations he's taken.

I want to live in such a way as to be able to look back without regret for having wasted my talents and opportunities.

Sister, Sister

Wow, the summer went by so fast in some ways and in others, I look back and think there has been so much happening, I don't know how I fit it all in!


My little sister is home, which marks the begining of her senior year in high school. Yes, she's pretty much half my age, and no - she's not really my sister. Hyung (pronounced h-young) is Korean and is going to a private school here in America. My parents are hosting her at their house. She calls them Aunt and Uncle or her Host Parents. At first she called me her Host Sister too, but now it's just sister. And I think it's appropriate. We really have come to be very much like sisters, though neither of us HAS a birth-sister, so who knows, really? LOL.


This little, seemingly innocent life circumstance has prompted me to look back on the last two months since she's been away. Quite by coincedence, I started this blog only days after she left.


This introspection has taken me back to Courage, to Obsession (LOL), to a change in perspective. And I think that became a springboard to so many other things!

Like Wardrobe Refashion, the Quit Now Challenge*, the Buy Nothing (new) Challenge**, identifying good-but-bad-for-you things, establishing Stash Month**, Org Junkie's Monthly Organizing Roundup, the 30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge, recognizing how I can replace one bad habit by any number of other ones (LOL, but sadly), learning yet again that I need to ask for help, and that often Slow Progress leads to lasting change.



I also did a little rearranging, came to a better understanding of why I don't like my job, realized I could write poetry even when I'm not depressed, (it's just different and doesn't just flow out of me like tears), and had to consider some fairly major life changes (for me).

I really feel that God has been leading me this summer, and my experience with the Cardboard City fundraiser was just one example. It was definitely Worth Experiencing, and was very revealing to me in ways I didn't expect. For example, I really missed my hubby. That surprised me. Really. I haven't held back about how we've been struggling the past few years, and back in May or June we really came to a crossroads: decision time. Stay or Go. And obviously we decided to stay and work on our marriage, but as many of you know, it isn't an overnight thing. That night away from him was quite misserable without him and I totally didn't expect that.

I think about how my hubby and I were when Hyung left last June. We were barely talking, just starting counseling, still afraid to hope. Now we've begun to understand one another better, begun to work together and really gel as a team in a way. It's hard for me to describe, maybe because it's so new, maybe because I don't fully understand it myself yet. But it's different than it's ever been. Ever, in 11 years of knowing each other and 8 years of marriage. Hm.

Perhaps equally profound is the fact that I'm learning, after 13+ years of "dealing with" depression, that I can do things to lessen the impact it has on my life.

And that with just a little nudge, a suggestion, an idea, my whole world-view can change in an instant. That, no matter how much you've got going on, when you put it in perspective, how important is it?

*I had ice cream Saturday night, the first time in 46 days. It wasn't planned, and from the moment our friends said dessert was ice cream, I was conflicted. I wasn't sure if I'd refuse it or not. But I didn't obsess over it and in the end I had a small bowl. It wasn't all I'd remembered it to be, and I no longer crave it! I can drive by an ice cream stand without regret and longing; and I'm REALLY enjoying my mostly-acne-free face!!

**As for the Buy Nothing new Challenge and Stash Month, I have kept pretty much on track. We went to Taco Bell once this weekend and I bought premade food at the grocery store, but other than that, we've pretty much gotten everything we *need* from re-purposing old items or have purchased them used or decided they weren't really a necessity. I do, however have a short list of things I would like to purchase in September. Is that defeating the purpose if we're buying them anyway, just waiting until a new month? Sort of. But I think delayed gratification is good. Especially since we are used to simply whipping out the credit card and getting it when we want it and paying for it for months on end later. This way, we are forced to wait and then we know it's something we'll appreciate more when we do get it...if we still *want* it in September! And as for the Stash Month - I haven't bought a single piece of material, thread, button, nothing! Not even used! Not even on sale! Not Even!

Mixing Metaphors: Vegging Out The Ears

Last night, it was about harvesting aproximately 30lbs of veggies and then vegging out: cuddling up with my hubby to watch Ghost Hunters and Ghost Hunters International. Dracula's castle was a bust. Oh well. High expectiations I suppose. But the other place they investigated was great!


I got no sewing done, but I did make it home from my mom's garden just in time to take my clothes down from the clothes line before they got dewed on. My poor hubby. He's so stressed out about the folks that he trudged out to the clothesline, grabbed his comfy pants off the line, (left everything else to the mercy of the setting sun) and plopped himself on the couch. No fun anticipating the worst. (Not productive either, but I've got enough to do working on myself!)


I did manage to straighten up my sewing table a bit so that I'm ready to go if I get the chance to tonight. I caught sight of the fabric for the burping cloths that I want to make for my dear SIL. I can't wait to get started on them! I got pictures of their nursery this morning and I'm getting all kinds of ideas for the baby's cross stitch.



But before I load myself up with even more projects than I know what to do with, I have to go back and read this as a reminder not to get obsessed! (Again.)

Profound moments

Monday and Tuesday nights were spent making furniture deliveries for our church ministry. I have to tell ya, it might mean more work, but it might make sense to make home visits before we all head out with four cars going in circles! The first night we didn't have to turn around at all, but last night got very confusing. Way downtown the numbers on the apartment houses are teeny tiny and at night a 9 looks like and 8 and then you realize - you gotta lug that thing across the street now!!

But the most profound moment came at our last stop Monday night. The guy lived on the fourth floor WITH an elevator, (Seriously, thank you, Lord!) and we got the couch and the kitchen table and the chairs up and into his apartment and started helping him put the legs on the table. There's four of us and we're all kneeling on the floor, working on the legs and he starts telling us his story.

He was homeless. Lost everything, and ended up staying in a rent-a-room sort of situation. Except it ended up being a crack house. In March, he somehow met this lady who works with a non-profit group downtown. She got him help through her program which provides security deposits and job programs for the homeless so they only have to come up with the first month's rent instead of double. He's disabled, but was able to get a job near his new apartment.

Then he looked up from what he was doing and said "the most important thing I've learned from all of this is to ask for help."

That is one thing that God has been trying to pound into my brain since before I can remember. I'm altogether too independent.
The guy was very appreciative but not in a sticky-sweet way. Gentle. He was very gentle. It reminded me of a scripture that says in a nutshell - you never know when you may be serving an angel of the Lord. He just had that sense about him that was gentle, genuine and not appologetic or gushy.

It never ceases to amaze me how by serving others, I am blessed beyond measure.

Eat Local Challenge, October 2008

I've taken the Eat Local Challenge for October 2008. I'm really looking forward to it! I used to assume local and organically grown/raised food was more expensive that chain store prices, but as I dug deeper and deeper, I found that becoming a part of a CSA is actually incredibly cost effective. (More about CSA's at the bottom of this post.)

I was also impressed by one person's experience as she took meticulous records and calculated the cost of her average day's worth of food consumption. It's a real eye opener!

I can't tell you the main reason why I took this challenge, as there are so many reasons and so many aspects of it that I'm looking forward to.

First, it's supporting the local economy. But that wasn't even a consideration to me at first. Let's face it. I am pretty self-centered. I'm not one to say "ask not what my local economy can do for me, ask what I can do for my local economy." (Or switch "local economy" with just about anything else!) It Sounds good. It Fells good, but realistically? Good or bad, no, it's not the mindset I've developed over the years. But now? Now it's definitely a consideration. Especially after my experience with the "farm stand" acros the stree from work. (Sold Carolina peaches, as if they were grown in NH. Ptuey! I go to a local farm stand, I want local grown food!)

I'm looking forward to meeting my neighbors!
I can't wait to experience food fresh from the farm.
I'm eager to rise to the challenge of finding all of my food from local sources.
I love the idea of canning my own (or my own CSA'd) pickles and tomatoes and peppers and jellies and *sigh* so much more!
As much as I have to admit what I consider my weakness in not being able to fish or hunt (or raise peculiar and oddly-loveable chickens) because I simply cannot kill them, I am also simply not going to become a vegitarian.
But I can visit the farms, help out, learn about raising the cattle and chickens and other livestock, and leave the rest to my probably-even-worse imagination.
Actually, we had a chicken coop growing up in Alaska and I'll never forget my Mom explaining why we didn't eat chicken much. (It was pretty hard on Dad having to kill them and pluck the feathers out, etc.) I was pretty young and probably was told to go play at a friend's house when this was going on, so I literally don't have any memories of it.
Another reason is that I've been living vicariously through Bee and Susan's experiences this summer and am really eager to join in!

For thos of you who, like myself, don't know what a CSA is, it is "Community Supported Agriculture" where area residents purchase a share of the farm and in exchange, they receive a portion of the weekly harvests!

Sounds expensive, right? That's what I thought. But look around, check out the CSA's near you, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised (or shocked) at some of the deals you can find!

Here is my consolidated list of references and sources for locally grown/raised food. Many of the links are to National Directories, so even if you don't live in NH, it's worth taking a look at.

Reality Check

Even as I blog about setting goals, saving money, lifestyle changes, personal problems, etc...a team of 6 people that I know personally is in Rwanda, Africa on a discovery mission, the first organized overseas mission trip for our church. They are there to explore and discover ways that our church can best utilize our resources to help these people. They live in unimaginable conditions and yet have such hope and joy in their lives. It breaks my heart that I take so much for granted, yet I'm still discontent; while they have less than what I would consider nothing and yet are content to live that life.
As I read the latest blog entry by Bruce, one of the elders and an all-around sweet, compassionate man, my mind scrambles for ways I might possibly use the talents God has given me to help these people.
Then I wonder how I could ever help them. There is so much need.

Then I recall the story of the young boy and the beach filled with starfish. It went something like this:
A young boy was seen wandering slowly down the beach one day. He would stoop down, grab a starfish and fling it back into the ocean. The beach was filled with thousands of starfish and an older gentleman shouted to him from atop a sanddune, "you'll never get them all back in the water! It won't make a difference how long you're down there!"
The young boy looked down at the starfish in his hand before replying, "Maybe not, but I'll make a difference to this one!" Then he flung yet another starfish back into the ocean before it dried up and died.

I've always been one to change the chanel when I see a commercial about supporting a child in a third world country. Growing up, there were too many stories about poorly managed charities, scams and other sorts of stories that made me look away. All too easily.
Last week, one of the team members that is now in Rwanda did the Sunday sermon. He challenged us not to change the channel. He challenged us to sit and watch. To sit and imagine life as those children live.
It's been a real wake-up call. Yeah, I run the mission for supplying furniture and home goods to people in need in our city. Yeah, I helped out when we had major fires this spring and over a hundred people were suddenly homeless. Yeah, I participated in the Cardboard City Fundraiser. Yeah, my heart breaks when I read the blog about the team traveling in Rwanda. But what do I have to show for it? A couple of gold stars and some tears and a worn out spot on the couch.
What will it take to drive me to action? And is all of my mind-scrambling, wondering how I can help, going to result in action or just a few minutes of mind-scrambling and a deep sigh?
Indeed, what will it take.

Note to Self: 3rd Edition

1. The philosophy of efficiency with money can be easily replicated in an efficiency with time concept. Thanks, Journeyer for sharing this insight! Be sure to check out both her links. The Maya Angelou quote at the bottom of her introduction is another whole lesson in itself!

2. Balance is of utmost importance. But balance can't always be acheived the same way in every situation. Take motorcycle riding. Sometimes, like when weaving back and forth, you stay seated straight up and down while the bike leans back and forth. Other times, like around a sweeping corner, you lean very slightly with the bike. And other times, like when doing a very tight u-turn, you actually have to counterweigh the bike, leaning the opposite way.

In each situation, as in life, it's important to assess the situation and figure out what position will acheive the optimal result.

3. But no matter how balance is acheived, you always have to keep your chin up and look ahead to where you're going. Otherwise, balance is irrelevant. You might be balanced, but you'll be wobbling all over the place without direction.

4. If you want to change one habit, it may involve changing another habit. I have struggled with this month's Quit Now Challenge of quitting the snooze button. Today I had my biggest victory yet! I only hit the snooze button twice. I realized something else though. I went to bed about 1-2 hours earlier than normal. I usually head to bed at 10 at the earliest. Sometimes if I don't think I'm "tired enough," I'll stay up until 12 or 1 am. As a kid I would sit in bed for hours on end unable to sleep, so I'm extremely vigilant about knowing when I'm "ready" for bed. But last night I headed to bed just after 9 and fell asleep pretty quickly. It makes me realize that I can change my snooze button habit, but it may take changing my bedtime habits as well.

5. Who knew making a bib would be more difficult than a blanket?! Apparently, size DOESN'T matter! It's all those *%)$%(&$%&%* curves!

6. One of the best ways to overcome a fear is to simply do it anyway. Driving to motorcycle training Wednesday morning, my hubby and I discussed our concerns about riding in the rain and were somewhat grateful to be given the opportunity to ride in the rain during the training so that we could learn how to compensate for it. What we learned was that with the right gear, it's not that big of a deal (within reason.) With proper rain gear and a full face helmet, you're pretty much protected from the rain. It's still not the best of conditions, but it's nothing to be afraid of.

drenched, but trying to dry out.

7. With a big enough stash, you can make just about anything! I made a special square out of the materials used to make the baby blanket, then I attached a bunch of ribbons and triangles of material from my stash. They are all different textures and colors for the baby to play with! If it weren't Stash Month, I'd have been tempted to go out and buy new ribbon and more remnants!

8. Saving money can be fun! I'm really enjoying the challenge of finding alternate ways of doing things (other than going out and buying the newest, best big thing)

9. Antiques are fun! My first giveaway wasn't exactly the biggest bestest thing-a-ma-jig, but it was a cool little trivia/mystery piece.

This little guy was used years ago before plastic bags were all the rage! The hooks on either end would wrap around the string used to secure books and packages, the handle would make it easier to carry the package without the string digging into your fingers!

I found this guy at a yard sale earlier in the year. The man selling it was impressed that I knew what it was used for. A few years back my mom and I stumbled upon one at an over-priced antique shop and couldn't figure out what it was. We got the scoop then, and I scooped this little guy up at the yard sale for 50 cents! (instead of the $8 the antique shop wanted for it!) I'm saving one for mom for christmas, saving one for myself, and Bragger here gets the last one! (yeah, she gets the prize AND you can blame her for taking the last perfect man!) So, Bragger, leave me a comment with your address (I promise I won't approve it for public view!) and I'll get your string handle thingy in the mail on Monday! (I know what it's used for, but not what it's officially called!) I guess I could just make up a name for it like the bird in the Little Mermaid.... Naw...

10. Avoiding confrontation often leads to a worse, unavoidable confrontation down the line. (Cue yesterday's rant.) I'm as much to blame as my hubby for this, but camping with the family is now a huge soap opera drama that could have been handled a LOT better by both of us a month or two ago, but we took the seemingly easy (avoidant) route at the time and are paying dearly for it now. It all comes back to boundaries, assertiveness and personal responsibility. I can't control how Mom and Dad will react, but I do have the responsibility of not initiating or participating in these games.

Note to Self: 2nd Edition

After last week's first Note to Self post, I thought it would be a good idea to do it weekly. And since it's my blog, I agreed with myself wholeheartedly and here we are.

Without further ado, random lessons and insights I've learned in life this week:

1. "The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything they have." Read the whole story here. And thank you Jenn for sharing this with us!

2. I need to use up stash since I have limited space, and I need to stop spending since I have limited budget. Therefore, I declare August Stash Month with a $20 necessities crafting budget. And I do mean necessities. Like thread, etc. But seriously, I have so much, I don't think I'll NEED anything. "Want" is a different story altogether! I'll admit though, I've been thinking about this for a few days and stocked up on some things I think I might want this month!

Anyone want to join me? I'm doodling while I'm on hold today. (Rrrrrr. Hate insurance companies!!!) Trying to come up with a cool graphic for August's Stash Month. Stay tuned!

3. Real, lasting change takes time. I thought I had my ice cream habit under control, but I really felt tempted earlier this week. I had thought a few times previously in the month that I could move on to more of the lactose family before August, but I'm glad I didn't. I think it would have been one more instance of me jumping in over my head. This month, my Quit Now Challenge is going to be quitting the snooze button. I'll still refrain from ice cream, but I don't think I'm ready to give up cheese, cream in my coffee, and butter yet.

As for the Snooze button, I didn't fail miserably this morning, but I didn't get right up either. I tend to hit the snooze button for about an hour. I only did it for 40 minutes today, so progress has been made.

Along these same lines, I intend to organize my house from top to bottom. But let's be realistic, right? That's one huge job, no matter what size your house is! Luckily, I found Org Junkie's Monthly Organization Roundup which targets one room each month. This matches right up with my new "pace yourself" mentality! In August we're targeting the mudroom/entryway. I say it's not a moment too soon!

(what you see when you walk in the mudroom - this is also the entrance used about 99% of the time.)

This was an addition to the main house. In September, we're tearing this room down and re-roofing the house but not replacing this room. So in the meantime, I have to find a new home for the shoes, coats, mittens, and hats. Everything else can go where it belongs...in the shed or in my hubby's work van!! And the rectangular bucket in the lower left corner? Catches the rain. Whoever added the porch didn't tie it in well with the existing roof. Oi. Drives my hubby crazy, being a carpenter and perfectionist!

(looking back at the front door)

Think we have enough shoes?

(Slowly sinking)

The mystery closet! What ever will I find in there?

edited *** I just realized that in light of my previous post (Buy Nothing Challenge) I can't make any organization-product related purchases! This is an even bigger challenge than I thought and it gets me excited!!!

4. Keep your car clean! Remember how your mama always told you to wear clean underwear "in case you got in an accident and ended up in the hospital?" Well this is along the same idea. You might just break down somewhere (or leave your lights on all day and drain your battery) and have some stranger in your car learning all of your dirty car secrets!

5. If something is going to happen to my car, it's going to happen when my hubby's out of town! See previous lesson...happened last Friday night right after he left! Last time he went away, I got a flat tire...and I changed it myself! Thanks, Dad, for teaching me how to do that while I was learning how to drive. It's been 15 years, but it stuck with me!

6. It IS possible to get out aged mystery stains from a vintage linen tablecloth. Just soak in two cups of Oxyclean, forget about it for 7 hours, run through the delicate wash cycle and voila! Clean table cloth. I did Literally forget about it! I meant to soak it for an hour and then run the wash, but completely forgot...and I'm so glad! (The package says to add 2-4 scoops per gallon of water for soaking 1-6 hours.) The scoop looked about a quarter cup and I wasn't sure how many gallons of water the small load setting used, so I just guestimated 5 gallons and added 8 scoops which ended up being almost all of the small package!

Thank you to my new friends over at Wardrobe Refashion for all of their fantastic ideas!!

7. I learned how to Trim My Own Hair using these tips!! My hubby was kind enough (and patient enough!) to play photographer for me while I cut my hair for the second time in my life. The first time didn't end so well. I was somewhere between 5 and 8 years old and took those plastic Discovery Toys safety scissors to my bangs. Mom was away at a weekend conference and my Dad and brother didn't even notice!! Good stuff. This week's trim wasn't very noticeable. Actually, if I hadn't been doing the cutting, I'd question whether anything was actually cut! I went by the rule to cut less...you can always cut more later. Really, I just wanted a trim to get the split ends off without paying out the nose!

8. It IS possible for me to get motivated in a job I don't care about! Well, maybe it's false motivation, let's just call it productivity! Thursday I dressed professionally, passed up the decaf for real coffee (with extra sugar!) and logged onto my favorite radio station, WOKQ, for their live streaming. I put on my headphones and bebopped (or country-bopped) through my day. I actually learned to do this in college when I'd work in the computer lab with tons of distractions. I'd put on my walkman (remember those?!) and would be able to breeze through my work. I think it kind of takes the distractable/ADHD part of my brain and keeps it busy so I don't get distracted by everything else around me. However it works, it WORKS!

9. It's time for a change. All the while I'm saving money by making my own laundry detergent and kitchen rags and not buying ice cream (LOL) and making hankerchiefs and on and on and on, I'm going to yard sales getting stuff I don't NEED, going antiquing, thrift shopping and on and on and on. Not that yard sales and thrift shopping are bad, but if I don't NEED something, why am I there? To find a deal? On something I don't NEED? Just a new obsession? This is part of what drove me to my proclamation earlier in the week that I'm ready to make a change in my finances.

So my hubby and I sat down and made some decisions. This weekend is efficiency weekend. We're changing to basic cable (couldn't agree on no cable, though I hadn't seen this yet!), doing at-home tune-ups on our vehicles, finally installing the clothes line, making lunches and prepping coffee and breakfast the night before, menu planning each week, and no more random yard saleing and thrifting for me.

Unless I'm specifically looking for something I NEED. (LOL!)

*MINI RANT ALLERT*
10. Everyone has an opinion about everyone else's business and everyone thinks (knows) their opinion is right and everyone wants everyone else to hear their opinions (knowledge) about everyone else's business. *sigh*

Okay, I'm being a little cynical and sarcastic, but this is trully how I felt Thursday. If people only knew the whole story. If they had their facts straight. If they really cared about the situation instead of being heard and noticed and getting the attention. Maybe, perhaps, it might possibly change things.

But it's not their business. And instead of saying "well, there might be more to the story, I guess it's not worth speculating about," they jump ahead and think they can blab all over town about you and how they think you should be living your life.

*sigh*

Wardrobe Refashion progress

I found a comment on a previous post asking me how my Wardrobe Refashioning project is going and I found myself going on and on in reply, so I'm just going to post the reply here instead. Plus I think it's something that I'm "learning how to grow" from, so it's pretty appropriate. So without further ado;

It's fun, frustrating, exhilarating, frustrating, ... seeing a patern here? I tend to jump in to projects in life and ignore encumbering details like patterns, directions, etc. LOL! I've made two not-so-great pieces, (shirt) and (skirt) and have tons of ideas for other clothes to make, but my big success was refashioning pants into shorts. That's right, the easiest possible refashion! (LOL) But I needed that success desperately! Right now I'm working on bike jackets from my hubby's old work coats, I'm almost ready to post about them!

The Wardrobe Refashion blog is really inspiring and there are lots of really talented people participating, and even some beginers like myself, so it's not completely degrading having to post such simple and amaturish pieces amongst the jewels! (And most of them are so darned skinny, of COURSE they're going to look good!) Just kidding...

It's really made me think about clothes as fabric and not the other way around. Does that make sense? I mean, so there's a bleach stain on the pants. So there's a busted zipper. In the garbage it goes? Or what else can we do with all the pieces that come to gether to make this one piece of clothing? I don't know if it counts as a refashion, but I dyed a polo tee a few days ago because of a bleach stain. Turned out great! A few months ago I would have thrown it out.

I don't have a lot of time to sew, but I do what I can in the evenings and each little success is helping to boost my confidence and I totally plan to renew my pledge after August.

I guess most of all, I'm learning to slow down, do it right, finish the project, and enjoy the success. That may sound strange since I just admitted how few projects I've actually finished, but it's affected other areas of my life. Like my current dilemma of all my embroidery floss skeins taking up my craft table. The old me would have shoved them out of the way and said I'd deal with them later but not gotten back to them for a few months because I'd recall how much work and frustration it was to lay them all out in order...Instead I'm dedicated to getting it done the right way this time and I'm not going to sacrifice my precious time later for one week of getting the job done now.

I think this really surprises my hubby most of all because I'm one that will just storm in and tear into a project without thinking about the consequences in other areas of my life. He's seeing that things really are changing this time. I used to say "I'm working on it, I realize such-and-such is a problem and I'm aware of it." But "being aware" is not "working." And I'm finally putting action behind my awareness.

I am grateful for Wardrobe Refashion because it provides accountability which is something I desperately need in my life! If I'm not accountable to anyone for anything, I'll just lie in bed all day! Seriously, it's just part of depression. I have great ideas and intentions, but if someone isn't counting on me, interested in my progress, etc, I get lazy and veg out. Accountability is powerful and I can't say enough about it!