Did someone order Change?

Well, my last post eluded to change, but I'm now experiencing more change in my life than I ever anticipated! I'm moving in a couple weeks, found a new church this weekend, my husband has said he intends to file for divorce, my temp job will be coming to a close in about a month...is there anything else? Oh, I'm beginning to loose weight, um.....oh! I'm not nearly as depressed as I anticipated I might be!

Given the multitude of circumstances, I have anticipated a major depression, but it's interesting to me that while I'm seeing some small signs of depression, in more ways I'm experiencing the absolute best mental health EVER had! And I mean that quite literally.

I'm not going to get into the gory details of the dissolution of my marriage, but suffice it to say, near the end I had been in almost constant prayer and when he called an end to it, I felt peace. I've had some hard times since then, of course, but overall I know that God is protecting me and directing me in how I respond to my ex and how I go about conducting myself during these awkward and painful times. So many scriptures have been my constant encouragement. And so many of "my ladies" have been faithful to call me and keep me in their prayers and just speak encouragement and the uplifting truth that I am a valued child of God! That is such a lifeline to me! I just soak it all in!

While my overall theme here is how to change ... inner life, as a goal, not a circumstance, I'm reflecting today on how often times outer change begets inner change...

conTemplative Tuesdays and new goals

I'd really like to bake or cook something new or from scratch every day.

But is it realistic?

I'd like to do a lot of things every day, but there's still not 40 hours in a day.

If I had 40 hours in a day, I'd work 8, sleep 10, make all my meals from scratch, can something, sew something, hang the laundry out every day (weather permitting), cross stitch something, find new resources for my furniture ministry, plant something, harvest something, blog awhile, have tea with a new friend, visit sick kids, spend time relaxing with my hubby, and take a nap.

But there aren't 40 hours in a day and I still have to work 8, sleep 6 or 7, attend to personal hygiene, eat occasionally, commute, hopefully spend time with my hubby, and of course blog. (LOL!)

So I'll settle for making something new or from scratch at least once a week.

I learned something last night.

I had a lot to do, my sister is coming over tonight and my house was a MESS. There was so much to do to prep for her, plus other things I really wanted to get done.

In the past I'd have obsessed over it the whole way home, speeding, obsessing, going faster, obsessing, going over the plan in my head, cutting off people in the road, etc.

I'd get home completely wound up and storm in, create this terrible energy in the house, and get very little accomplished while expending extreme amounts of energy, including stress and negativity, aimed at the nearest victim which by no fault of his own would have been my hubby.
Instead, I chilled. I had a plan. I had it written down (as I usually do,) and I told myself that it was a guide, not law. If things didn't go just the way I wanted them to, I could adjust. After all, she's seen my house in worse shape before.

It worked well. I got dinner made with my hubby's help (unexpected) and the roasted tomato sauce made, I got a lot of cleaning done, some unexpected heart-to-heart conversations with my hubby (unplanned, as they usually are,) and I even willingly let go of some of the chores on my list and just sat and relaxed for a little while.

I wasn't stressed and didn't blast my hubby away with crazy energy. In fact, we had a really good, productive talk.

Now as I plan tonight's crazy busy schedule, I think back and then look at the plan, and think back. Is it really necessary that I do everything on this list? Am I over extending myself again? Do these things matter in the long run? What's going to matter the most in a week? That I tried that new granola recipe or that I spent time 100% focused on Hyung and listened to how homesick she is even though she's glad to be back? What can I cross off my list or put off to tomorrow? What is most important today?

How's this for a new goal:

I'd really like to discern what's most important in the long run each and every day.
Spending time in quality pursuits.
Leveraging what I'm good at to the greatest benefit.
Not to benefit me, but to benefit my goals in life.
To benefit the under resourced, the exploited.
I don't want to rescue them. Well, I kind of do, but I can see that rescuing isn't helping, it's just displacing the problem from one location to another.
I want to assist them, and educate those that take things for granted like being able to drive to a grocery store with lower prices.
I want the work that I do every day to benefit those goals, not earn my boss another trip to Paris or Greece or Scotland, or any number of frivolous luxury vacations he's taken.

I want to live in such a way as to be able to look back without regret for having wasted my talents and opportunities.

Slow Progress

Decisions:

I've been considering starting a separate blog for just crafting, but have come to realize that there's just one me. There's so much overlap of my inner mind, my crafting, my eating habits, my craziness...it's all intertwined. So I'm keeping the blog as-is right now, in sort of a "Wholistic Approach to Personal Growth."

Empowerment:

I had a hard discussion with a good friend last night. A lifelong friend, to be exact. My hubby and I have both known Keith since grade school/junior high. He introduced the two of us at the age of 20, and as long as we've known him, he's not changed a bit. He's still that rambunctious grade school kid having a blast on the playground! Good in some ways, not in others.

We talked for almost an hour and it was tough. There was confrontation, having to be assertive, and anxiety that he'd be his normal aggressive/defensive-by-being-offensive self. It was a little touch and go there for a little while, but in the end, I think it worked out well.

I learned a lot. I learned that I can say what I need to without apology because standing up for yourself then following it up by apologizing for it isn't standing up for yourself at all. I said some hard things and he said some hard things and at first I think he was just slashing back, trying to defend himself by deflecting the attention and being hurtful, but in the end we hit the middle ground and the things that were said were still hard to hear, but less hurtful and closer to the truth. I'm really surprised by that and proud of him for it. It could have really gone bad quickly.

I think part of what saved it was that I prayed first, (and during), and really held my tongue a lot and let him talk for about 8 minutes straight at one point. I remember sitting there, thinking to myself: I have so much to say back, I can think of some real zingers that would be so clever, but I don't want that. I want to preserve this friendship if possible, but with healthy boundaries. I can't let him walk all over me, but I'm not going to walk all over him either.

The thing is, I've been trying to be more assertive and establishing boundaries for over a year and this is the first time it's really been tested where I've held my ground instead of just removing myself from the situation in order to preserve the boundaries. Talk about slow progress! But I think it's revealing that it's with Keith and not someone like a parent. It's going to be a lot more difficult to do this with my parents. Even though we have a "good" relationship, it's almost like it's too good. It's too open, it's too. It's expected that my life is an open book to them, and that's not healthy either.

All in all, this was a good starting place, and a good confidence builder.

Wardrobe Refashioning:

I had my second fabric dyeing experience last night with some success. I turned a blah tan polo into a nice soft teal. I'm wearing it today! It also had a orang-ish stain on the collar that is no longer there, so I'm a very happy woman! (doesn't take much, does it?) Does anyone know where this comes from? I also have a few other shirts with similar stains and they all seem to be around or near the neckline. At first I thought it might be iron in the water, but why would it only be around the collars? Now I think it might be makeup but I really only use powder anymore.

Light bulb moment...I use a benzoyl peroxide cream from time to time for acne...I bet that's it!

Okay, never mind...(Thank you for touring the inner recesses of MJ's mind. The tour is now over, if you'll kindly exit to the left. Leave nothing behind, we will not be responsible for lost or stolen articles. )

*Ahem*

I also finally got around to refashioning my hubby's old work coat into a bike jacket. Phases one and two were to 1: cut out the heavy winter lining and ragged edges of where the pockets used to be; and 2: dye it some other color in the off chance the difference in the faded and non-faded colors wouldn't be so noticeable.

I roughly cut out the lining. I just wanted there to be less material for the dye bath and I wanted to do it quickly because I didn't want to be up all night, so I plan on touching it up later. Then I took the time to pretty up the remaining material where the pockets used to be. This is an old coat we've used as a "donator jacket," using the heavy canvas material for patches on his work pants and other heavily worn items. Both front pockets have been repurposed, but that left big dark areas that used to be the insides of the pockets.

Needless to say (you probably saw this coming), the dye bath did little to disguise the dark areas.

(But look, we get that "distressed" look people pay big bucks for!)

Phase 3 was to attach heavy duty snaps since the zipper no longer works (thus the reason for retiring it and getting another jacket.) I've since found out we can actually mail the coat to Carhardt for zipper repair...the zippers have a lifetime warranty! Alas, I never did so and here we are...I'll do the snaps tonight.

My hubby asked me last night what I was going to do for a bike jacket. Hmmm. What he doesn't know (and I haven't said yet here either) is that I'm going to use this old coat for my bike jacket and surprise him with another one! I'll have to make a few alterations though, so it won't be a complete surprise...See I'm 5'1" and he's 6' tall! Slight alterations necessary...plus I'm thinking of taking some faded jean material to make pockets with. Maybe even an applique. Or not. I'm going to be a biker girl after all, not a place for cutsie.

Remember that busted zipper? Well, it's no surprise that Carhardt has a lifetime warranty on them because they must know it's an issue...we have another old coat with the same problem. All I have to do with that one is take out the winter lining and attach the heavy duty snaps and my hubby gets a new bike jacket! I haven't harvested any scraps of material from the pockets on that one yet, so there's no reason to play with dye. (And that way we won't be so matchy-matchy.)

We already have matching helmets (which we hadn't planned on,) and he's not the type to do that kind of stuff, so I don't want to go too far with it! (The helmets we found together on craigslist for a fantastic deal and were barely used, so we couldn't pass them up!)

Crafting/Organization:

Sunday I laid out all the embroidery floss skeins that would fit on the table...over 200.

I did some figuring, took into account the limited space I have, did some more figuring, and decided to store the skeins in the stitchbow/binder system. Then I ran out and bought out the nearest Michael's supply of binders and bows.

I managed to get a few of the skeins into the first binder before retiring Sunday night...and I went back to work on it last night.

(Monday's starting shot: the laptop and bag systems are sitting gingerly on top of more skeins!)

I made more progress last night, but I have more floss still in the floss-a-way baggie system since I couldn't fit those onto the table so I have to always check to make sure I'm not skipping some of those (which happens with frequency!) Oi. It's like filing two stacks of papers into one stack. It gets complicated. Especially if you're dyeing fabric at the same time... ; )

(I love just looking at my floss! It's like studying the menu at the ice cream shop!)

But I did manage to get the first of the four rows completed, so I'm a happy woman! I'm just really frustrated that it could take me eight solid nights to get them off my table so I can do some sewing! *sigh*

(Monday night's ending shot)

conTemplative Tuesdays

What's the deal?

Why is it that sometimes you can quit something and it "sticks," or is relatively easy, and other times it is incredibly hard and you end up "falling off the wagon" relatively quickly? I've experienced both quite a few times. I've analyzed the circumstances, the condition of my heart and mind, my intentions, etc. and yet I don't quite see why I sometimes have great success and I sometimes fail almost immediately.

Quitting ice cream is not something new to me. Quitting JUST ice cream is, but I've done it before. I still have ice cream in the freezer. I couldn't see myself throwing out perfectly good food just because I was rejecting it. My hubby complains if there isn't any around, though he hasn't had any since I stopped! *Fine balance there. At least he has the choice!*

And it's not like I thought about it long and hard, planned for it in advance, etc. I just did it. I've WANTED to do it in the past, DONE it, and made it about 8 hours before breaking down and stopping for a pint (or more) at the corner store.

So what's different this time? That I DIDN'T plan?

That I told myself every afternoon for the last week leading up to it that I had to do something about it (but not made plans) because it made me feel so blah and icky after?

Was it because I WANTED to change my habit? Was it because I was READY to change my habit? Was it because I RECOGNIZED that it was a habit?

Was it because I recognized the root of the problem?

See, when I'm out on my lunch break, I'll be driving back to work or checking my watch, sitting in the parking lot or on the lawn, and suddenly I'll have this desperate thought...do I have any food at work? What if I get hungry? Will I be trapped at work with no way of getting to food?
I think this desperation goes back to two factors...

Growing up we were pretty poor. I didn't know any better, so it wasn't a big deal. But I suspect that I was probably not a stranger to hunger and that may be a factor in me being very cautions and aware of my state of hunger or fullness. In fact, just thinking about going back to work in the afternoon without any food in store for me there causes me to feel hunger! (Then when I get to the store, I naturally move to the freezer and get the same brand and flavor almost every time! Did someone mention the word habit?)

A few years ago, my hubby and I were driving north to a very rural area of New England. We'd stopped for dinner and he wanted to grab a coffee at the Dunkin Donuts before we got back on the highway. It was pretty much the last exit on the highway that we could count on the stores still being open so late at night; and as we stood in line I began thinking about that fact. Now mind you, I'd just had dinner. I had a full stomach (presumably). But I began to think desperately - what if I get hungry along the way? *sigh*

I bought a donut. I didn't eat it, but just having it there gave me the security that I wouldn't go hungry. Hmm.

The second factor is that I have a suspicion that I'm hypoglycemic. When I get truly over-hungry, I get shaky, dizzy, grouchy and a little bit weak. I don't faint. I've not yet fainted once in my entire life. I'm not that girl! But because of this, I like to have a little something in my purse, in the fridge, at my desk, etc. You get the picture.

I guess it doesn't matter as much WHY it's working, but THAT it's working this time.

Until I want to duplicate the success! LOL

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I read back through this entry, a few words pop out at me...

"...I was rejecting it." (me, rejecting food. Like it has feelings!)
habit, recognition, root, desperate thought, trapped, just thinking about...[it] makes me feel hunger, naturally, security.

Definitely something to contemplate.

It kind of reminds me of Bret Favre and (unrelated) a former drug addict.

People say - here we go again, Favre's back. How many times is he going to come back out of retirement?!

I never really believed he'd stay in retirement this second time. (I confess, I wasn't really paying attention the first time.) When asked why, I explain - he was visibly upset, you could tell it was really hard on him, it was tearing him apart having to leave the sport as an active player. In contrast, I recall the recent retirement of Rusty Wallace from the NASCAR Sprint Cup series. He was ready. He was looking forward to retirement, he felt good about his career and also felt good about retiring. Now take Favre. To me, it seemed obvious that he didn't feel good about retiring. He didn't seem ready.

The other thing this reminds me of is a TV drama I watched ages ago. I think it was Judging Amy. Her brother (I think) had been an addict and he'd gone through rehab and gotten clean. He had a roommate who found his drug of choice and a needle in his nightstand. His roommate was understandably upset until he explained why it was there.

In his perspective, it was easier to walk away from the drug with it not around, but it gave him a sense of accomplishment to be able to CHOOSE not to use it every day.

Hmm.