Well, my last post eluded to change, but I'm now experiencing more change in my life than I ever anticipated! I'm moving in a couple weeks, found a new church this weekend, my husband has said he intends to file for divorce, my temp job will be coming to a close in about a month...is there anything else? Oh, I'm beginning to loose weight, um.....oh! I'm not nearly as depressed as I anticipated I might be!
Given the multitude of circumstances, I have anticipated a major depression, but it's interesting to me that while I'm seeing some small signs of depression, in more ways I'm experiencing the absolute best mental health EVER had! And I mean that quite literally.
I'm not going to get into the gory details of the dissolution of my marriage, but suffice it to say, near the end I had been in almost constant prayer and when he called an end to it, I felt peace. I've had some hard times since then, of course, but overall I know that God is protecting me and directing me in how I respond to my ex and how I go about conducting myself during these awkward and painful times. So many scriptures have been my constant encouragement. And so many of "my ladies" have been faithful to call me and keep me in their prayers and just speak encouragement and the uplifting truth that I am a valued child of God! That is such a lifeline to me! I just soak it all in!
While my overall theme here is how to change ... inner life, as a goal, not a circumstance, I'm reflecting today on how often times outer change begets inner change...
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Constance and Change
In the last 7+ months, a lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same. I am still temping at the same place (now there for 13+ months...), I am still not really healthy.
I'm more of a roomie to my husband; this change brought on by a typical drunken incident that just finally made me say enough is enough. We still live together, still go to counseling together, but we're pretty much roomies. He knows he needs to actually DO something (Get Help) about his alcoholism, I know I need to go back to my personal counselor. So I'm taking the steps I need to. I don't know about him.
My sis was back for a week after New Years and it was so incredible. I missed her terribly over the summer, but you know how you get used to someone being away after awhile...well, I'd gotten used to her not being so close. But having her here for that week was so awesome, and I'm so glad we could share that time. We went into Boston and walked around Chinatown and the North End. It was fr-EE-zing, but we survived!
I talked to Mom after my last post. Things got a little better with her, but the holidays really brought out the worst in us. Unfortunately, I know that some things are just never going to be the same. And in a sense, that's a good thing, because "the same" is SO unhealthy. But at the same time, I really envy those families that ARE healthy and can continue to have healthy relationships into adulthood. Well, maybe I can have a healthy relationship with her, it just won't be idea. What I mean is, since I know I can't trust her to respect certain boundaries, I just won't be able to share those parts of my life with her. It's unfortunate, but it is a step toward my own mental health that I'm finally willing to make.
I've begun reading Codependent No More and the more I read, the more I see it in myself - in many areas of my life! I've begun helping my sis with her college essays; editing for grammar and punctuation. At first I was just correcting everything and inserting comments to tell her why. Then I realized she would learn more if I explained general rules and let her make her own corrections. I was so worried that she'd be irritated with me, but she responded really well, saying she learned so much more! It's so funny to me how these things really work in real life!
So to be real, I'm depressed again. And not happy about it either! (That was a joke, though it's true :)
I thought I had this all under control and knew how to deal with the warning signs, etc. But then last August I started having a little wine with my dinner and ended up doing that a few times a week. It's absolutely FACT that alcohol is a depressant and I was already teetering on the edge. I went and pushed myself right over. I finally accepted the fact that it was really harmful to me right after Christmas, but by that time the damage was done.
But now it's February and I should be "over it," right? Believe me, I've been around this block enough times, I know it doesn't happen that way, but I'm back to seeing my counselor and am consciously looking for the healthy/mature ways of dealing with things.
One thing I decided to do this year is to try a new recipe from my cookbook collection at least once per week. I have over 40 cookbooks and I haven't used even one recipe out of at least a third of them. So this year, I'm going to change all of that! It's been really fun and I'm definitely enjoying the fruits of this particular labor! I'll share more on that another time. For now, I'm going to try doing the healthy thing and going to bed at an almost-decent hour.
I'm more of a roomie to my husband; this change brought on by a typical drunken incident that just finally made me say enough is enough. We still live together, still go to counseling together, but we're pretty much roomies. He knows he needs to actually DO something (Get Help) about his alcoholism, I know I need to go back to my personal counselor. So I'm taking the steps I need to. I don't know about him.
My sis was back for a week after New Years and it was so incredible. I missed her terribly over the summer, but you know how you get used to someone being away after awhile...well, I'd gotten used to her not being so close. But having her here for that week was so awesome, and I'm so glad we could share that time. We went into Boston and walked around Chinatown and the North End. It was fr-EE-zing, but we survived!
I talked to Mom after my last post. Things got a little better with her, but the holidays really brought out the worst in us. Unfortunately, I know that some things are just never going to be the same. And in a sense, that's a good thing, because "the same" is SO unhealthy. But at the same time, I really envy those families that ARE healthy and can continue to have healthy relationships into adulthood. Well, maybe I can have a healthy relationship with her, it just won't be idea. What I mean is, since I know I can't trust her to respect certain boundaries, I just won't be able to share those parts of my life with her. It's unfortunate, but it is a step toward my own mental health that I'm finally willing to make.
I've begun reading Codependent No More and the more I read, the more I see it in myself - in many areas of my life! I've begun helping my sis with her college essays; editing for grammar and punctuation. At first I was just correcting everything and inserting comments to tell her why. Then I realized she would learn more if I explained general rules and let her make her own corrections. I was so worried that she'd be irritated with me, but she responded really well, saying she learned so much more! It's so funny to me how these things really work in real life!
So to be real, I'm depressed again. And not happy about it either! (That was a joke, though it's true :)
I thought I had this all under control and knew how to deal with the warning signs, etc. But then last August I started having a little wine with my dinner and ended up doing that a few times a week. It's absolutely FACT that alcohol is a depressant and I was already teetering on the edge. I went and pushed myself right over. I finally accepted the fact that it was really harmful to me right after Christmas, but by that time the damage was done.
But now it's February and I should be "over it," right? Believe me, I've been around this block enough times, I know it doesn't happen that way, but I'm back to seeing my counselor and am consciously looking for the healthy/mature ways of dealing with things.
One thing I decided to do this year is to try a new recipe from my cookbook collection at least once per week. I have over 40 cookbooks and I haven't used even one recipe out of at least a third of them. So this year, I'm going to change all of that! It's been really fun and I'm definitely enjoying the fruits of this particular labor! I'll share more on that another time. For now, I'm going to try doing the healthy thing and going to bed at an almost-decent hour.
Friday, November 7, 2008
A good thing
It seems incomprehensible to me that my last post was just two days ago. It seems like weeks have gone by in two days. I still don't have a job, but I am getting my confidence back and feel really great about my prospects.
One thing I noticed was I think I still need meds for my depression. Yes, I can control the environmental forces and my own thought process which tends to work against me, but there are indeed chemical forces going on as well. I have been able to see the warning signs and correct them before they get full blown. Except I stopped taking my meds Sunday and by Wednesday I was on the verge of snapping at my poor hubby before I realized I was totally loosing it. Thursday the same thing happened. Thankfully I caught it before I really did snap at him, but I made sure I picked up my meds and started taking them again.
I feel better already and I know it's not because they are already effective, it's just the easing of my mind, knowing that I'm getting back on track. It's a good thing.
One thing I noticed was I think I still need meds for my depression. Yes, I can control the environmental forces and my own thought process which tends to work against me, but there are indeed chemical forces going on as well. I have been able to see the warning signs and correct them before they get full blown. Except I stopped taking my meds Sunday and by Wednesday I was on the verge of snapping at my poor hubby before I realized I was totally loosing it. Thursday the same thing happened. Thankfully I caught it before I really did snap at him, but I made sure I picked up my meds and started taking them again.
I feel better already and I know it's not because they are already effective, it's just the easing of my mind, knowing that I'm getting back on track. It's a good thing.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Ah, the sweet, familiar strains of...
...depression. Well, maybe not sweet. But familiar, yes. I spoke with my counselor awhile back about how many of my episodes seem to come after major events in my life. Like getting married, a flood, a job change...
So this week I've been noticing more and more of my behaviors drifting toward depression mode and Uh-Oh!
I have fought it off for most of the year, I can keep it up!
I think what is getting me right now is the uncertainty of it all. Yes, this is something I've wanted for awhile, but under my own terms, in my own time. God (and my boss) had different ideas. I've already had an interview and have a few other applications in to other companies. I'm not concerned about loosing pay, but not knowing what the future holds for me is very hard.
So this week I've been noticing more and more of my behaviors drifting toward depression mode and Uh-Oh!
I have fought it off for most of the year, I can keep it up!
I think what is getting me right now is the uncertainty of it all. Yes, this is something I've wanted for awhile, but under my own terms, in my own time. God (and my boss) had different ideas. I've already had an interview and have a few other applications in to other companies. I'm not concerned about loosing pay, but not knowing what the future holds for me is very hard.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Thrifty Thursday: switching from two to one income
Okay, a few of the ideas I found at thriftideas.com weren't exactly news items. We all probably pretty much know these things or think of them as common sense, but they are good reminders.
Surprise to me:
~You can freeze milk! As a seldom-milk-drinker, I buy the smallest amount possible when I know we'll have use for it, but still often find myself throwing some of it away a week later.
My Favorite Tip:
~Make-ahead your own basic and convenience food supplies. Such as granola, jam, hard-boiled-eggs, applesauce, etc. Sure, we can get them pre-made, but for quite a price!
But let's face it, living in America, in New England (and some other areas) is rather expensive. Yes, we've gotten used to living a certain lifestyle. In my estimation, it's rather frivolous of us to go to two NASCAR races every year (and this year we're adding a third-ouch!). And I think it's frivolous to have "more than basic" cable. I'm sure there are a ton of other things we're spending money on that are totally unnecessary, but I digress.
At stretcher.com I found this article which talks about going from two to one incomes. I loved reading Sue's entire story, but was thrilled at how she ended it: "I think the one thing we have learned from this transition is that time is a commodity that people rarely put a price on and yet it is probably the most valuable thing we possess."
At Kaboose.com, I found another arcticle about switching from two to one income. As I've mentioned, I don't know if we'll be able to have kids or not, but I definitely want to stay home regardless.
The more I think about the ways in which we can save, cut back, and make extra money doing other things, the more I come to realize many of these things take time out of the day. Not that I'm looking for the "easy way out," but I'm being realistic about my abilities and expectations. We still don't have a 40 hour day and I'm still not going home after working all day to weed the garden and sew up crafts to sell and fold the laundry and turn the kitchen into a showplace.
It's just not...gonna...happen.
I haven't even broached the subject with my hubby yet, but I want to make living on his income work. Before I bring it up with him, though, I think I have to have all my little duckies in a row or he'll completely dismiss the idea! I quit my job once before to pursue a career with a direct sales company and it ended in disaster. We were so deep in debt it looked hopeless. Our marriage suffered and I slipped into the biggest depression I've ever experienced. I anticipate that the first words I speak about this will completely shut my hubby down and he'll stop listening.
But I think, given the experience we had before, we can make it work this time. We hadn't changed our lifestyle any. I drove a gas-guzzling SUV, we went out to dinner, I still impulse shopped, we made no changes. We lived in an imaginary world and were rudely awakened by ruining our spotless credit and the phone ringing off the hook from collectors' calls. Ouch.
This time, we have the benefit of our previous experience to teach us what NOT to do.
Surprise to me:
~You can freeze milk! As a seldom-milk-drinker, I buy the smallest amount possible when I know we'll have use for it, but still often find myself throwing some of it away a week later.
My Favorite Tip:
~Make-ahead your own basic and convenience food supplies. Such as granola, jam, hard-boiled-eggs, applesauce, etc. Sure, we can get them pre-made, but for quite a price!
Announcing: Totally Free Find!!!
I was stoked last night to find Kitchen Manuals Online, where I finally found the instruction manual for my $5 yard sale bread machine! I could have also gone through the manufacturer but every time I've tried in the last month, I get errors! There are also sites out there that will charge $8+ for these manuals! Don't pay for a manual until you've checked this site out! I was able to go directly to a PDF File and save it right onto my laptop.
But let's face it, living in America, in New England (and some other areas) is rather expensive. Yes, we've gotten used to living a certain lifestyle. In my estimation, it's rather frivolous of us to go to two NASCAR races every year (and this year we're adding a third-ouch!). And I think it's frivolous to have "more than basic" cable. I'm sure there are a ton of other things we're spending money on that are totally unnecessary, but I digress.
At stretcher.com I found this article which talks about going from two to one incomes. I loved reading Sue's entire story, but was thrilled at how she ended it: "I think the one thing we have learned from this transition is that time is a commodity that people rarely put a price on and yet it is probably the most valuable thing we possess."
At Kaboose.com, I found another arcticle about switching from two to one income. As I've mentioned, I don't know if we'll be able to have kids or not, but I definitely want to stay home regardless.
The more I think about the ways in which we can save, cut back, and make extra money doing other things, the more I come to realize many of these things take time out of the day. Not that I'm looking for the "easy way out," but I'm being realistic about my abilities and expectations. We still don't have a 40 hour day and I'm still not going home after working all day to weed the garden and sew up crafts to sell and fold the laundry and turn the kitchen into a showplace.
It's just not...gonna...happen.
I haven't even broached the subject with my hubby yet, but I want to make living on his income work. Before I bring it up with him, though, I think I have to have all my little duckies in a row or he'll completely dismiss the idea! I quit my job once before to pursue a career with a direct sales company and it ended in disaster. We were so deep in debt it looked hopeless. Our marriage suffered and I slipped into the biggest depression I've ever experienced. I anticipate that the first words I speak about this will completely shut my hubby down and he'll stop listening.
But I think, given the experience we had before, we can make it work this time. We hadn't changed our lifestyle any. I drove a gas-guzzling SUV, we went out to dinner, I still impulse shopped, we made no changes. We lived in an imaginary world and were rudely awakened by ruining our spotless credit and the phone ringing off the hook from collectors' calls. Ouch.
This time, we have the benefit of our previous experience to teach us what NOT to do.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Wardrobe Refashion progress
I found a comment on a previous post asking me how my Wardrobe Refashioning project is going and I found myself going on and on in reply, so I'm just going to post the reply here instead. Plus I think it's something that I'm "learning how to grow" from, so it's pretty appropriate. So without further ado;
It's fun, frustrating, exhilarating, frustrating, ... seeing a patern here? I tend to jump in to projects in life and ignore encumbering details like patterns, directions, etc. LOL! I've made two not-so-great pieces, (shirt) and (skirt) and have tons of ideas for other clothes to make, but my big success was refashioning pants into shorts. That's right, the easiest possible refashion! (LOL) But I needed that success desperately! Right now I'm working on bike jackets from my hubby's old work coats, I'm almost ready to post about them!
The Wardrobe Refashion blog is really inspiring and there are lots of really talented people participating, and even some beginers like myself, so it's not completely degrading having to post such simple and amaturish pieces amongst the jewels! (And most of them are so darned skinny, of COURSE they're going to look good!) Just kidding...
It's really made me think about clothes as fabric and not the other way around. Does that make sense? I mean, so there's a bleach stain on the pants. So there's a busted zipper. In the garbage it goes? Or what else can we do with all the pieces that come to gether to make this one piece of clothing? I don't know if it counts as a refashion, but I dyed a polo tee a few days ago because of a bleach stain. Turned out great! A few months ago I would have thrown it out.
I don't have a lot of time to sew, but I do what I can in the evenings and each little success is helping to boost my confidence and I totally plan to renew my pledge after August.
I guess most of all, I'm learning to slow down, do it right, finish the project, and enjoy the success. That may sound strange since I just admitted how few projects I've actually finished, but it's affected other areas of my life. Like my current dilemma of all my embroidery floss skeins taking up my craft table. The old me would have shoved them out of the way and said I'd deal with them later but not gotten back to them for a few months because I'd recall how much work and frustration it was to lay them all out in order...Instead I'm dedicated to getting it done the right way this time and I'm not going to sacrifice my precious time later for one week of getting the job done now.
I think this really surprises my hubby most of all because I'm one that will just storm in and tear into a project without thinking about the consequences in other areas of my life. He's seeing that things really are changing this time. I used to say "I'm working on it, I realize such-and-such is a problem and I'm aware of it." But "being aware" is not "working." And I'm finally putting action behind my awareness.
I am grateful for Wardrobe Refashion because it provides accountability which is something I desperately need in my life! If I'm not accountable to anyone for anything, I'll just lie in bed all day! Seriously, it's just part of depression. I have great ideas and intentions, but if someone isn't counting on me, interested in my progress, etc, I get lazy and veg out. Accountability is powerful and I can't say enough about it!
It's fun, frustrating, exhilarating, frustrating, ... seeing a patern here? I tend to jump in to projects in life and ignore encumbering details like patterns, directions, etc. LOL! I've made two not-so-great pieces, (shirt) and (skirt) and have tons of ideas for other clothes to make, but my big success was refashioning pants into shorts. That's right, the easiest possible refashion! (LOL) But I needed that success desperately! Right now I'm working on bike jackets from my hubby's old work coats, I'm almost ready to post about them!
The Wardrobe Refashion blog is really inspiring and there are lots of really talented people participating, and even some beginers like myself, so it's not completely degrading having to post such simple and amaturish pieces amongst the jewels! (And most of them are so darned skinny, of COURSE they're going to look good!) Just kidding...
It's really made me think about clothes as fabric and not the other way around. Does that make sense? I mean, so there's a bleach stain on the pants. So there's a busted zipper. In the garbage it goes? Or what else can we do with all the pieces that come to gether to make this one piece of clothing? I don't know if it counts as a refashion, but I dyed a polo tee a few days ago because of a bleach stain. Turned out great! A few months ago I would have thrown it out.
I don't have a lot of time to sew, but I do what I can in the evenings and each little success is helping to boost my confidence and I totally plan to renew my pledge after August.
I guess most of all, I'm learning to slow down, do it right, finish the project, and enjoy the success. That may sound strange since I just admitted how few projects I've actually finished, but it's affected other areas of my life. Like my current dilemma of all my embroidery floss skeins taking up my craft table. The old me would have shoved them out of the way and said I'd deal with them later but not gotten back to them for a few months because I'd recall how much work and frustration it was to lay them all out in order...Instead I'm dedicated to getting it done the right way this time and I'm not going to sacrifice my precious time later for one week of getting the job done now.
I think this really surprises my hubby most of all because I'm one that will just storm in and tear into a project without thinking about the consequences in other areas of my life. He's seeing that things really are changing this time. I used to say "I'm working on it, I realize such-and-such is a problem and I'm aware of it." But "being aware" is not "working." And I'm finally putting action behind my awareness.
I am grateful for Wardrobe Refashion because it provides accountability which is something I desperately need in my life! If I'm not accountable to anyone for anything, I'll just lie in bed all day! Seriously, it's just part of depression. I have great ideas and intentions, but if someone isn't counting on me, interested in my progress, etc, I get lazy and veg out. Accountability is powerful and I can't say enough about it!
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Grouch alert
Cooking...
I was grouchy yesterday and by the time I got home (late) I wasn't getting any less grouchy, so we had what I'd dubbed growing up as the "Christmas Eve Special" because it was what we ate while we decorated the Christmas tree and Christmas Eve Special just sounds better than Christmas Tree Decorating Special. This consists of a very grueling preparation of... kielbasa, sliced cheese and crackers. My hubby likes to add horseradish to it. I like kielbasa with horseradish, but it wasn't working with the cheese for me.
I even broke out the paper plates for this one and pulled out the step stool so I could reach the wine glasses. Due to health complications I can't have alcohol, but caffeine free Pepsi is somehow just that much more enjoyable in a wineglass after a grouchy day! Needless to say, I didn't get around to making my special relishes and olives, but then again, I have time tonight...
Free stuff...
Here are some things that should have cheered me up:
Two Totally Free Finds! Thanks to freecycle.com, I won a very large bag of used nursing scrubs and another bag containing two Batik sheets. Two totally separate offers on the same day. Go me!
Sewing...
Then I learned how to darn socks! I googled it and went to a totally random site and I'm not going to give credit because quite frankly, the directions weren't very good. I'm sure there are others out there if you google them and you'll get better directions!
But it was good enough to get me started and I figured everything else they left out on my own! A good tip I got from the site: In leiu (anyone know how to spell?!) of going out and purchasing a darning egg and needle, a light bulb and the longest sewing needle you have will do the trick too.
Normally I'd use a color matching the sock, but for my first time I wanted to make it easy on myself so I used two contrasting and bold colors. There's actually a few things I see wrong with this darning job, but for my first time, I'm psyched! One tip I learned on my own:
If your sock is long enough, make a loose knot over the end of the light bulb. This keeps everything steady; just be sure not to make the knot so tight that it stretches the sock too much. It should be secure enough that the bulb isn't moving around inside the sock but with ease enough that it isn't pulling at the hole. If your sock isn't long enough, I imagine a rubber band or just tying it off with strong floss or ribbon will do the trick as well.
I felt guilty about laundering my new fabric finds while there was a monster-sized pile of regular laundry to do, so I worked my way through that pile last night and found three more holy socks, so I'll get lots of practice in the next couple of days!
Play time...
Then I played with my camera taking ubber close shots of my shells. So cool!
I can't recall where I found these tiny shells, but I absolutely adore how small and thin they are!
And my very first Lazy Daisy. Room for improvement but not a total failure.
There's something about the texture of finished cross stitch and the softness of the floss itself. I just love it!
Then I pulled out of storage the one piece of my finished cross stitches that I have in my possession. This was supposedly a gift to my hubby after our first year of dating. Yeah, giving a guy a cross stitched pillow case and pillow...not exactly a thrill for him. I quickly got it back! Well it gave me great pleasure to photograph it and recall all of the fun things we did that first year. I think I'll post about that back story separately.
TMI?...
I've been pretty teary these last couple of days and that tells me the depression is here and strong. In thinking about how I'm doing socially, how often I choose NOT to withdraw, and when I do...I also do what I can not to get "sucked under" so to speak; I think I'm doing okay considering. In the past I'd be making excuses not to get together with the ladies this weekend no matter how long it had been since I'd seen them. I'd say I was sick and couldn't help out at church on Sunday. I'd tell the outreach director some story about stress at home and work and say I couldn't take on the furniture ministry right now.
But I'm not doing any of those things. I can't say I'm exceeding expectations in any given area, but I'm not ducking out of LIFE. I'm still staying with it, still fighting. And God, how hard is it?! But I'm not giving up. Not this time. It's not going to steal my life away again!
I was grouchy yesterday and by the time I got home (late) I wasn't getting any less grouchy, so we had what I'd dubbed growing up as the "Christmas Eve Special" because it was what we ate while we decorated the Christmas tree and Christmas Eve Special just sounds better than Christmas Tree Decorating Special. This consists of a very grueling preparation of... kielbasa, sliced cheese and crackers. My hubby likes to add horseradish to it. I like kielbasa with horseradish, but it wasn't working with the cheese for me.
I even broke out the paper plates for this one and pulled out the step stool so I could reach the wine glasses. Due to health complications I can't have alcohol, but caffeine free Pepsi is somehow just that much more enjoyable in a wineglass after a grouchy day! Needless to say, I didn't get around to making my special relishes and olives, but then again, I have time tonight...
Free stuff...
Here are some things that should have cheered me up:
Two Totally Free Finds! Thanks to freecycle.com, I won a very large bag of used nursing scrubs and another bag containing two Batik sheets. Two totally separate offers on the same day. Go me!
Sewing...
Then I learned how to darn socks! I googled it and went to a totally random site and I'm not going to give credit because quite frankly, the directions weren't very good. I'm sure there are others out there if you google them and you'll get better directions!
But it was good enough to get me started and I figured everything else they left out on my own! A good tip I got from the site: In leiu (anyone know how to spell?!) of going out and purchasing a darning egg and needle, a light bulb and the longest sewing needle you have will do the trick too.
Normally I'd use a color matching the sock, but for my first time I wanted to make it easy on myself so I used two contrasting and bold colors. There's actually a few things I see wrong with this darning job, but for my first time, I'm psyched! One tip I learned on my own:
If your sock is long enough, make a loose knot over the end of the light bulb. This keeps everything steady; just be sure not to make the knot so tight that it stretches the sock too much. It should be secure enough that the bulb isn't moving around inside the sock but with ease enough that it isn't pulling at the hole. If your sock isn't long enough, I imagine a rubber band or just tying it off with strong floss or ribbon will do the trick as well.
I felt guilty about laundering my new fabric finds while there was a monster-sized pile of regular laundry to do, so I worked my way through that pile last night and found three more holy socks, so I'll get lots of practice in the next couple of days!
Play time...
Then I played with my camera taking ubber close shots of my shells. So cool!
I can't recall where I found these tiny shells, but I absolutely adore how small and thin they are!
And my very first Lazy Daisy. Room for improvement but not a total failure.
There's something about the texture of finished cross stitch and the softness of the floss itself. I just love it!
Then I pulled out of storage the one piece of my finished cross stitches that I have in my possession. This was supposedly a gift to my hubby after our first year of dating. Yeah, giving a guy a cross stitched pillow case and pillow...not exactly a thrill for him. I quickly got it back! Well it gave me great pleasure to photograph it and recall all of the fun things we did that first year. I think I'll post about that back story separately.
TMI?...
I've been pretty teary these last couple of days and that tells me the depression is here and strong. In thinking about how I'm doing socially, how often I choose NOT to withdraw, and when I do...I also do what I can not to get "sucked under" so to speak; I think I'm doing okay considering. In the past I'd be making excuses not to get together with the ladies this weekend no matter how long it had been since I'd seen them. I'd say I was sick and couldn't help out at church on Sunday. I'd tell the outreach director some story about stress at home and work and say I couldn't take on the furniture ministry right now.
But I'm not doing any of those things. I can't say I'm exceeding expectations in any given area, but I'm not ducking out of LIFE. I'm still staying with it, still fighting. And God, how hard is it?! But I'm not giving up. Not this time. It's not going to steal my life away again!
Saturday, July 19, 2008
More deep thoughts
I don't feel like blogging but I have to do something to keep from getting sucked into the hole that is depression. I've been fighting it for a few weeks, maybe even a few months. It seems like every time something goes wrong I get closer and closer to the line that separates my healthy life from depressed living. Which, I suppose isn't living at all.
I know I've been talking a lot about crafts and such lately, but really this blog started in order to help me look back and see how I've grown. Supposing that someday I grow! I'm kidding. Hopefully we all grow in some way or another.
I think I've mentioned that I used to give up and not even fight the first feelings of depression because I didn't think there was anything I could do about it. I basically kissed the next few months of my life goodbye and dissapeared from anything remotely social.
I now know there are a lot of things I can do. One of them is not to withdraw, as I automatically did in the past. And yet here I sit at home alone. My hubby is at our friend's house helping with his annual cookout. He'll cook all day so our friend can socialize and then he'll set off a huge display of fireworks and bask in the glory.
I'm not a crowd kind of girl. I love to just sit and talk with folks, but I'm not into the group party game mentality. I drove out into the country an hour away and then came back because it's just not my thing. My hubby understands, and he also probably can tell that I'm withdrawing.
Tomorrow is a big day though and I'll be at church. That means something different to me than it did in the past. And maybe it means something different to me than it does to others. Or to you. To me, being at church is hanging out with people that care about me, that understand me, that support me, that I support. Yes, it's singing and examining my heart and listening to what God is placing there, and I think a lot of people get that and a lot of people don't...but it's even more than that.
My church is rather large and has three services. I like to get there early and hang out with another woman who gets there even earlier! Then I'm on the greeting team, so I've got work to do. There are a number of entrances, so we cover a lot of doors! I go to one service, but during the other services invariably there are people hanging out that I've developed friendships with over time. I'm just now finding that I can say that though. I have been attending this church almost three years and attended a few seminars and have participated in a couple different ministries before I've gotten to the point that I can say I've been able to develop these friendships.
That's what I crave: the connection of friends. I think I used to walk into a situation and expect that there SHOULD be a connection with someone, anyone, and when there wasn't, I felt I was somehow to blame. I just am realizing right now that I used to expect that! And I was to blame. (For having that unrealistic expectation!)
I had a conversation just last week with a somewhat new friend who is really being challenged to study poverty. It is that kind of thing that makes me think, gives me a moment to consider...we challenge each other and it's good. When friends don't challenge each other, they are giving each other the excuse to keep from maturing. Have you ever noticed that as you mature, some of your friends don't mature at the same rate? (or even at all?) What happens to those friendships? Do they stay the same? Is there tension? Is there anger or misunderstanding? Is it "all good?"
Often there will at least be misunderstanding because they don't get why you've changed and you don't get how they can be so immature!
So I guess that's what I get from church. It's people that get me. It's people that challenge me. It's normal everyday sinners just like me just trying to figure it all out for themselves. And it's worship. It's examination. It's that inner challenge in the corners of your heart that knows that what that guy up on the altar is talking about strikes altogether too close to home. It's forgiveness and comfort and it's a safe place for me to be week after week. Even when I'm feeling like I'm feeling tonight.
When I started this post, I wanted to turn on the tv and watch it until I fell asleep and sleep all the way through services tomorrow because I want to withdraw, to hide in my state of depression and let the world get on without me. But then I'd miss the encouragement and cameraderie and compassion I experience every week at church. And that, if anything in my life right now, is one thing I cannot afford to miss.
I know I've been talking a lot about crafts and such lately, but really this blog started in order to help me look back and see how I've grown. Supposing that someday I grow! I'm kidding. Hopefully we all grow in some way or another.
I think I've mentioned that I used to give up and not even fight the first feelings of depression because I didn't think there was anything I could do about it. I basically kissed the next few months of my life goodbye and dissapeared from anything remotely social.
I now know there are a lot of things I can do. One of them is not to withdraw, as I automatically did in the past. And yet here I sit at home alone. My hubby is at our friend's house helping with his annual cookout. He'll cook all day so our friend can socialize and then he'll set off a huge display of fireworks and bask in the glory.
I'm not a crowd kind of girl. I love to just sit and talk with folks, but I'm not into the group party game mentality. I drove out into the country an hour away and then came back because it's just not my thing. My hubby understands, and he also probably can tell that I'm withdrawing.
Tomorrow is a big day though and I'll be at church. That means something different to me than it did in the past. And maybe it means something different to me than it does to others. Or to you. To me, being at church is hanging out with people that care about me, that understand me, that support me, that I support. Yes, it's singing and examining my heart and listening to what God is placing there, and I think a lot of people get that and a lot of people don't...but it's even more than that.
My church is rather large and has three services. I like to get there early and hang out with another woman who gets there even earlier! Then I'm on the greeting team, so I've got work to do. There are a number of entrances, so we cover a lot of doors! I go to one service, but during the other services invariably there are people hanging out that I've developed friendships with over time. I'm just now finding that I can say that though. I have been attending this church almost three years and attended a few seminars and have participated in a couple different ministries before I've gotten to the point that I can say I've been able to develop these friendships.
That's what I crave: the connection of friends. I think I used to walk into a situation and expect that there SHOULD be a connection with someone, anyone, and when there wasn't, I felt I was somehow to blame. I just am realizing right now that I used to expect that! And I was to blame. (For having that unrealistic expectation!)
I had a conversation just last week with a somewhat new friend who is really being challenged to study poverty. It is that kind of thing that makes me think, gives me a moment to consider...we challenge each other and it's good. When friends don't challenge each other, they are giving each other the excuse to keep from maturing. Have you ever noticed that as you mature, some of your friends don't mature at the same rate? (or even at all?) What happens to those friendships? Do they stay the same? Is there tension? Is there anger or misunderstanding? Is it "all good?"
Often there will at least be misunderstanding because they don't get why you've changed and you don't get how they can be so immature!
So I guess that's what I get from church. It's people that get me. It's people that challenge me. It's normal everyday sinners just like me just trying to figure it all out for themselves. And it's worship. It's examination. It's that inner challenge in the corners of your heart that knows that what that guy up on the altar is talking about strikes altogether too close to home. It's forgiveness and comfort and it's a safe place for me to be week after week. Even when I'm feeling like I'm feeling tonight.
When I started this post, I wanted to turn on the tv and watch it until I fell asleep and sleep all the way through services tomorrow because I want to withdraw, to hide in my state of depression and let the world get on without me. But then I'd miss the encouragement and cameraderie and compassion I experience every week at church. And that, if anything in my life right now, is one thing I cannot afford to miss.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
A bit of a tumble
I'm supposed to help my hubby move furniture tomorrow. Actually, he's supposed to help me. It's for the furniture ministry at church, which I coordinate. So seeing how I'm "in charge," and he doesn't even attend my church, he's definitely helping me. (And I'm incredibly grateful!!)
So we're both supposed to be moving furniture tomorrow. I was going to try to get someone else to help in addition to just the two of us, but I've had such trouble getting help this summer that I just gave up, pretty much. My independent streak had a field day and said "I'm MJ, I can do it all!!!" While this was true in Junior High when I was incredibly strong, invincible, and didn't have an aching back and neck...it's just not so any more!
Well, reality struck when I took a bit of a tumble down the basement stairs this evening and bruised up the left side of my body and locked up my neck. It's not as bad as it could have been, but needless to say - I'm not moving furniture tomorrow!
I seem to have to learn this lesson every couple of years. I simply cannot do it on my own. I am not WonderWoman.
On top of that drama, I found myself at the bottom of the stairs, telling my hubby "I'm okay!" and then bursting into tears. I broke his grampa's drawer. It's fixable, but his family will be more concerned with the state of the heirloom than what happened to me. But even that doesn't explain the on-and-off tears for the rest of the evening. I'm just extremely tearful today. And it came so out-of-the-blue, it's really catching me off guard.
We later met up with old friends that had moved away and are back in the area visiting family and friends. The wife is younger than me (I don't know why age is a big issue here, but it is) and they have three beautiful, well-behaved and precious children. (Especially when they're asleep, being carried inside after an exciting fireworks show!)
All of a sudden in the middle of the fireworks I burst into tears again at the sight of the young family interacting. I grabbed my hubby's hand and tried to look normal, but all I will say is it's a good thing we were right up close to the fireworks and no one was paying me any attention!
So I guess if it takes a tumble down the basement stairs to make me slow down and ask for help, God finally got my attention.
I leave you with 36 seconds in my front yard. The image quality is funky, but I took the video from my digital camera mostly to get the birds chirping.
So we're both supposed to be moving furniture tomorrow. I was going to try to get someone else to help in addition to just the two of us, but I've had such trouble getting help this summer that I just gave up, pretty much. My independent streak had a field day and said "I'm MJ, I can do it all!!!" While this was true in Junior High when I was incredibly strong, invincible, and didn't have an aching back and neck...it's just not so any more!
Well, reality struck when I took a bit of a tumble down the basement stairs this evening and bruised up the left side of my body and locked up my neck. It's not as bad as it could have been, but needless to say - I'm not moving furniture tomorrow!
I seem to have to learn this lesson every couple of years. I simply cannot do it on my own. I am not WonderWoman.
On top of that drama, I found myself at the bottom of the stairs, telling my hubby "I'm okay!" and then bursting into tears. I broke his grampa's drawer. It's fixable, but his family will be more concerned with the state of the heirloom than what happened to me. But even that doesn't explain the on-and-off tears for the rest of the evening. I'm just extremely tearful today. And it came so out-of-the-blue, it's really catching me off guard.
We later met up with old friends that had moved away and are back in the area visiting family and friends. The wife is younger than me (I don't know why age is a big issue here, but it is) and they have three beautiful, well-behaved and precious children. (Especially when they're asleep, being carried inside after an exciting fireworks show!)
All of a sudden in the middle of the fireworks I burst into tears again at the sight of the young family interacting. I grabbed my hubby's hand and tried to look normal, but all I will say is it's a good thing we were right up close to the fireworks and no one was paying me any attention!
So I guess if it takes a tumble down the basement stairs to make me slow down and ask for help, God finally got my attention.
I leave you with 36 seconds in my front yard. The image quality is funky, but I took the video from my digital camera mostly to get the birds chirping.
Friday, June 27, 2008
A Change in Perspective
Yes, I see the irony (post title: a change in perspective; blog description: a perspective on life change...)
The first change in perspective I want to share is about a new project I've gotten involved with at my church in the last couple months. We take donated furniture and home goods like appliances, linens and dishwear, and then we work with state, city and non-profit organizations that identify people who are in need of these items. It's been a great opportunity to not only get out of my shy self and meeting people in the church, but also to benefit people who really can use what others have put to the side.
One of the reasons I got involved was because I deal with depression. I've "dealt with" depression for 15 or so years off and on. Finally in the last year, I've found a very good counselor who has helped me see (when I was not in the middle of an episode) that the beginning stages of an episode are very self-indulgent. Perhaps it's a stressor in life that triggers an episode, then I become wrapped up in myself. For instance, a few years ago, our neighborhood was evacuated for threat of flooding (just a threat - nothing floated away!) and the stress of those few days was such that I then became very self-centered, reliving the experience over and over, being overwhelmed and not taking action, seeking escape and solace in books and food. "Cue, downward spiral!"
I felt the beginning stages of a new episode begin again while I was contemplating this project, and that actually urged me on with more reason to do it. I wanted to get outside myself, focus on other people, others' needs, instead of holing up in my house with my books and my overwhelming sense of powerlessness. So often I've felt depression begin and I just take a deep breath, accept it as an inevitable part of life, and kiss the next few months of my life goodbye.
No longer! I DO have the power to change the cycle, and the last month is proof!
The second change of perspective I've experienced coincides somewhat with the church project. I began to see what others were giving away to new homes. Some was in pretty rough shape, but after a little reconstruction and a good cleaning, most of it is re-usable in some manner. Then I began hitting Yard Sales (Garage Sales, Tag Sales...) and seeing all of those items that would otherwise just be thrown in a landfill, taking up precious space. I began to see every item around me in a new light. Could it be re-purposed? Could it be taken apart and used with something else to become something completely new? Could it be given away?
But still, I was a half-hearted about this reform. I didn’t want to get carried away. I tend to keep a lot of things anyway, so I was also kind of wary of creating more “stash” in what should be a nice, roomy house for my hubby and me, but is beginning to get a little “cozy!”
Well, when I found Wardrobe Refashion, that nudged my perspective right over the edge! I saw these ideas for using jean material and thought – Dang it! How many pairs of jeans have I thrown away over the years because they had one stupid hole in them? And those slacks I busted a seam on a month ago – long gone, aren’t they!
And now, presto! I’m understanding that what I don’t have a use for today may still have life left in it for something else tomorrow.
But here’s my dilemma: organization. Yeah. I can help other people get organized, but it’s as if I walk through the threshold of my home and it becomes a portal to a no-organizing zone! I don’t want to have scraps of material in every room, never able to find any of the five pairs of scissors in the house, moving piles to get to the ironing board, then moving piles back so I have a place to sit while I sew!
So although I’ll be away for the weekend, I have grand plans of getting organized in the not-too-distant future. (Though first, I may need to organize the mess that is my laundry pile, my kitchen counter, the dining room table, the pile of worn-but-not-dirty clothes in the bedroom, the “craft table” that somehow morphed into the “I’ll leave it here for now” table, the mail, oi…)
It looks like I just planned my Independence Day Weekend!!!
The first change in perspective I want to share is about a new project I've gotten involved with at my church in the last couple months. We take donated furniture and home goods like appliances, linens and dishwear, and then we work with state, city and non-profit organizations that identify people who are in need of these items. It's been a great opportunity to not only get out of my shy self and meeting people in the church, but also to benefit people who really can use what others have put to the side.
One of the reasons I got involved was because I deal with depression. I've "dealt with" depression for 15 or so years off and on. Finally in the last year, I've found a very good counselor who has helped me see (when I was not in the middle of an episode) that the beginning stages of an episode are very self-indulgent. Perhaps it's a stressor in life that triggers an episode, then I become wrapped up in myself. For instance, a few years ago, our neighborhood was evacuated for threat of flooding (just a threat - nothing floated away!) and the stress of those few days was such that I then became very self-centered, reliving the experience over and over, being overwhelmed and not taking action, seeking escape and solace in books and food. "Cue, downward spiral!"
I felt the beginning stages of a new episode begin again while I was contemplating this project, and that actually urged me on with more reason to do it. I wanted to get outside myself, focus on other people, others' needs, instead of holing up in my house with my books and my overwhelming sense of powerlessness. So often I've felt depression begin and I just take a deep breath, accept it as an inevitable part of life, and kiss the next few months of my life goodbye.
No longer! I DO have the power to change the cycle, and the last month is proof!
The second change of perspective I've experienced coincides somewhat with the church project. I began to see what others were giving away to new homes. Some was in pretty rough shape, but after a little reconstruction and a good cleaning, most of it is re-usable in some manner. Then I began hitting Yard Sales (Garage Sales, Tag Sales...) and seeing all of those items that would otherwise just be thrown in a landfill, taking up precious space. I began to see every item around me in a new light. Could it be re-purposed? Could it be taken apart and used with something else to become something completely new? Could it be given away?
But still, I was a half-hearted about this reform. I didn’t want to get carried away. I tend to keep a lot of things anyway, so I was also kind of wary of creating more “stash” in what should be a nice, roomy house for my hubby and me, but is beginning to get a little “cozy!”
Well, when I found Wardrobe Refashion, that nudged my perspective right over the edge! I saw these ideas for using jean material and thought – Dang it! How many pairs of jeans have I thrown away over the years because they had one stupid hole in them? And those slacks I busted a seam on a month ago – long gone, aren’t they!
And now, presto! I’m understanding that what I don’t have a use for today may still have life left in it for something else tomorrow.
But here’s my dilemma: organization. Yeah. I can help other people get organized, but it’s as if I walk through the threshold of my home and it becomes a portal to a no-organizing zone! I don’t want to have scraps of material in every room, never able to find any of the five pairs of scissors in the house, moving piles to get to the ironing board, then moving piles back so I have a place to sit while I sew!
So although I’ll be away for the weekend, I have grand plans of getting organized in the not-too-distant future. (Though first, I may need to organize the mess that is my laundry pile, my kitchen counter, the dining room table, the pile of worn-but-not-dirty clothes in the bedroom, the “craft table” that somehow morphed into the “I’ll leave it here for now” table, the mail, oi…)
It looks like I just planned my Independence Day Weekend!!!
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