Here's a question for y'all:
How do you manage
-simplifying your life
-working a full time job
-implementing cost-savings lifestyle changes that add time to your chores
-implementing health-savings lifestyle changes that add time and quality to your life but also take time and energy from your day
-participating/leading/coordinating two volunteer/mission projects
-stoping to smell the roses
-challenging yourself to grow in many different ways (and hopefully not horizontally like me)
AND
-doing it all well
-not feeling pulled in 10 different directions at once
-(and I don't even have kids to take care of!)
Oi
No wonder I'm in counseling.
Which is sort of a ha-ha statement, but more in a "ha-ha...ha...that's not really funny is it?" sort of way.
One answer I just thought of (aha moment): As much as I enjoy the shows Bones, House, the Bill Engvall Show, Ghost Hunters, Cheers reruns, and watching live NASCAR races, I simply don't think I have time for them anymore!
And then of course there's the more obvious answer:
You Don't.
So perhaps I have to give up one (or five) of those things!
-Like leading/coordinating two missions (participating is still an option, isn't it?)
-And of course the one I really want to give up is the full time job, but let's be realistic, here.
-Maybe Challenging myself to grow in MANY different ways is a bit much. One or two is more at pace with reality.
Maybe the answers will come to me this weekend as I float on Conway Lake between scattered showers and the threat of thunderstorms.
Or around the fire.
Yeah.
Probably around the fire.
Showing posts with label powerlessness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label powerlessness. Show all posts
Friday, August 15, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
More deep thoughts
I don't feel like blogging but I have to do something to keep from getting sucked into the hole that is depression. I've been fighting it for a few weeks, maybe even a few months. It seems like every time something goes wrong I get closer and closer to the line that separates my healthy life from depressed living. Which, I suppose isn't living at all.
I know I've been talking a lot about crafts and such lately, but really this blog started in order to help me look back and see how I've grown. Supposing that someday I grow! I'm kidding. Hopefully we all grow in some way or another.
I think I've mentioned that I used to give up and not even fight the first feelings of depression because I didn't think there was anything I could do about it. I basically kissed the next few months of my life goodbye and dissapeared from anything remotely social.
I now know there are a lot of things I can do. One of them is not to withdraw, as I automatically did in the past. And yet here I sit at home alone. My hubby is at our friend's house helping with his annual cookout. He'll cook all day so our friend can socialize and then he'll set off a huge display of fireworks and bask in the glory.
I'm not a crowd kind of girl. I love to just sit and talk with folks, but I'm not into the group party game mentality. I drove out into the country an hour away and then came back because it's just not my thing. My hubby understands, and he also probably can tell that I'm withdrawing.
Tomorrow is a big day though and I'll be at church. That means something different to me than it did in the past. And maybe it means something different to me than it does to others. Or to you. To me, being at church is hanging out with people that care about me, that understand me, that support me, that I support. Yes, it's singing and examining my heart and listening to what God is placing there, and I think a lot of people get that and a lot of people don't...but it's even more than that.
My church is rather large and has three services. I like to get there early and hang out with another woman who gets there even earlier! Then I'm on the greeting team, so I've got work to do. There are a number of entrances, so we cover a lot of doors! I go to one service, but during the other services invariably there are people hanging out that I've developed friendships with over time. I'm just now finding that I can say that though. I have been attending this church almost three years and attended a few seminars and have participated in a couple different ministries before I've gotten to the point that I can say I've been able to develop these friendships.
That's what I crave: the connection of friends. I think I used to walk into a situation and expect that there SHOULD be a connection with someone, anyone, and when there wasn't, I felt I was somehow to blame. I just am realizing right now that I used to expect that! And I was to blame. (For having that unrealistic expectation!)
I had a conversation just last week with a somewhat new friend who is really being challenged to study poverty. It is that kind of thing that makes me think, gives me a moment to consider...we challenge each other and it's good. When friends don't challenge each other, they are giving each other the excuse to keep from maturing. Have you ever noticed that as you mature, some of your friends don't mature at the same rate? (or even at all?) What happens to those friendships? Do they stay the same? Is there tension? Is there anger or misunderstanding? Is it "all good?"
Often there will at least be misunderstanding because they don't get why you've changed and you don't get how they can be so immature!
So I guess that's what I get from church. It's people that get me. It's people that challenge me. It's normal everyday sinners just like me just trying to figure it all out for themselves. And it's worship. It's examination. It's that inner challenge in the corners of your heart that knows that what that guy up on the altar is talking about strikes altogether too close to home. It's forgiveness and comfort and it's a safe place for me to be week after week. Even when I'm feeling like I'm feeling tonight.
When I started this post, I wanted to turn on the tv and watch it until I fell asleep and sleep all the way through services tomorrow because I want to withdraw, to hide in my state of depression and let the world get on without me. But then I'd miss the encouragement and cameraderie and compassion I experience every week at church. And that, if anything in my life right now, is one thing I cannot afford to miss.
I know I've been talking a lot about crafts and such lately, but really this blog started in order to help me look back and see how I've grown. Supposing that someday I grow! I'm kidding. Hopefully we all grow in some way or another.
I think I've mentioned that I used to give up and not even fight the first feelings of depression because I didn't think there was anything I could do about it. I basically kissed the next few months of my life goodbye and dissapeared from anything remotely social.
I now know there are a lot of things I can do. One of them is not to withdraw, as I automatically did in the past. And yet here I sit at home alone. My hubby is at our friend's house helping with his annual cookout. He'll cook all day so our friend can socialize and then he'll set off a huge display of fireworks and bask in the glory.
I'm not a crowd kind of girl. I love to just sit and talk with folks, but I'm not into the group party game mentality. I drove out into the country an hour away and then came back because it's just not my thing. My hubby understands, and he also probably can tell that I'm withdrawing.
Tomorrow is a big day though and I'll be at church. That means something different to me than it did in the past. And maybe it means something different to me than it does to others. Or to you. To me, being at church is hanging out with people that care about me, that understand me, that support me, that I support. Yes, it's singing and examining my heart and listening to what God is placing there, and I think a lot of people get that and a lot of people don't...but it's even more than that.
My church is rather large and has three services. I like to get there early and hang out with another woman who gets there even earlier! Then I'm on the greeting team, so I've got work to do. There are a number of entrances, so we cover a lot of doors! I go to one service, but during the other services invariably there are people hanging out that I've developed friendships with over time. I'm just now finding that I can say that though. I have been attending this church almost three years and attended a few seminars and have participated in a couple different ministries before I've gotten to the point that I can say I've been able to develop these friendships.
That's what I crave: the connection of friends. I think I used to walk into a situation and expect that there SHOULD be a connection with someone, anyone, and when there wasn't, I felt I was somehow to blame. I just am realizing right now that I used to expect that! And I was to blame. (For having that unrealistic expectation!)
I had a conversation just last week with a somewhat new friend who is really being challenged to study poverty. It is that kind of thing that makes me think, gives me a moment to consider...we challenge each other and it's good. When friends don't challenge each other, they are giving each other the excuse to keep from maturing. Have you ever noticed that as you mature, some of your friends don't mature at the same rate? (or even at all?) What happens to those friendships? Do they stay the same? Is there tension? Is there anger or misunderstanding? Is it "all good?"
Often there will at least be misunderstanding because they don't get why you've changed and you don't get how they can be so immature!
So I guess that's what I get from church. It's people that get me. It's people that challenge me. It's normal everyday sinners just like me just trying to figure it all out for themselves. And it's worship. It's examination. It's that inner challenge in the corners of your heart that knows that what that guy up on the altar is talking about strikes altogether too close to home. It's forgiveness and comfort and it's a safe place for me to be week after week. Even when I'm feeling like I'm feeling tonight.
When I started this post, I wanted to turn on the tv and watch it until I fell asleep and sleep all the way through services tomorrow because I want to withdraw, to hide in my state of depression and let the world get on without me. But then I'd miss the encouragement and cameraderie and compassion I experience every week at church. And that, if anything in my life right now, is one thing I cannot afford to miss.
Friday, June 27, 2008
A Change in Perspective
Yes, I see the irony (post title: a change in perspective; blog description: a perspective on life change...)
The first change in perspective I want to share is about a new project I've gotten involved with at my church in the last couple months. We take donated furniture and home goods like appliances, linens and dishwear, and then we work with state, city and non-profit organizations that identify people who are in need of these items. It's been a great opportunity to not only get out of my shy self and meeting people in the church, but also to benefit people who really can use what others have put to the side.
One of the reasons I got involved was because I deal with depression. I've "dealt with" depression for 15 or so years off and on. Finally in the last year, I've found a very good counselor who has helped me see (when I was not in the middle of an episode) that the beginning stages of an episode are very self-indulgent. Perhaps it's a stressor in life that triggers an episode, then I become wrapped up in myself. For instance, a few years ago, our neighborhood was evacuated for threat of flooding (just a threat - nothing floated away!) and the stress of those few days was such that I then became very self-centered, reliving the experience over and over, being overwhelmed and not taking action, seeking escape and solace in books and food. "Cue, downward spiral!"
I felt the beginning stages of a new episode begin again while I was contemplating this project, and that actually urged me on with more reason to do it. I wanted to get outside myself, focus on other people, others' needs, instead of holing up in my house with my books and my overwhelming sense of powerlessness. So often I've felt depression begin and I just take a deep breath, accept it as an inevitable part of life, and kiss the next few months of my life goodbye.
No longer! I DO have the power to change the cycle, and the last month is proof!
The second change of perspective I've experienced coincides somewhat with the church project. I began to see what others were giving away to new homes. Some was in pretty rough shape, but after a little reconstruction and a good cleaning, most of it is re-usable in some manner. Then I began hitting Yard Sales (Garage Sales, Tag Sales...) and seeing all of those items that would otherwise just be thrown in a landfill, taking up precious space. I began to see every item around me in a new light. Could it be re-purposed? Could it be taken apart and used with something else to become something completely new? Could it be given away?
But still, I was a half-hearted about this reform. I didn’t want to get carried away. I tend to keep a lot of things anyway, so I was also kind of wary of creating more “stash” in what should be a nice, roomy house for my hubby and me, but is beginning to get a little “cozy!”
Well, when I found Wardrobe Refashion, that nudged my perspective right over the edge! I saw these ideas for using jean material and thought – Dang it! How many pairs of jeans have I thrown away over the years because they had one stupid hole in them? And those slacks I busted a seam on a month ago – long gone, aren’t they!
And now, presto! I’m understanding that what I don’t have a use for today may still have life left in it for something else tomorrow.
But here’s my dilemma: organization. Yeah. I can help other people get organized, but it’s as if I walk through the threshold of my home and it becomes a portal to a no-organizing zone! I don’t want to have scraps of material in every room, never able to find any of the five pairs of scissors in the house, moving piles to get to the ironing board, then moving piles back so I have a place to sit while I sew!
So although I’ll be away for the weekend, I have grand plans of getting organized in the not-too-distant future. (Though first, I may need to organize the mess that is my laundry pile, my kitchen counter, the dining room table, the pile of worn-but-not-dirty clothes in the bedroom, the “craft table” that somehow morphed into the “I’ll leave it here for now” table, the mail, oi…)
It looks like I just planned my Independence Day Weekend!!!
The first change in perspective I want to share is about a new project I've gotten involved with at my church in the last couple months. We take donated furniture and home goods like appliances, linens and dishwear, and then we work with state, city and non-profit organizations that identify people who are in need of these items. It's been a great opportunity to not only get out of my shy self and meeting people in the church, but also to benefit people who really can use what others have put to the side.
One of the reasons I got involved was because I deal with depression. I've "dealt with" depression for 15 or so years off and on. Finally in the last year, I've found a very good counselor who has helped me see (when I was not in the middle of an episode) that the beginning stages of an episode are very self-indulgent. Perhaps it's a stressor in life that triggers an episode, then I become wrapped up in myself. For instance, a few years ago, our neighborhood was evacuated for threat of flooding (just a threat - nothing floated away!) and the stress of those few days was such that I then became very self-centered, reliving the experience over and over, being overwhelmed and not taking action, seeking escape and solace in books and food. "Cue, downward spiral!"
I felt the beginning stages of a new episode begin again while I was contemplating this project, and that actually urged me on with more reason to do it. I wanted to get outside myself, focus on other people, others' needs, instead of holing up in my house with my books and my overwhelming sense of powerlessness. So often I've felt depression begin and I just take a deep breath, accept it as an inevitable part of life, and kiss the next few months of my life goodbye.
No longer! I DO have the power to change the cycle, and the last month is proof!
The second change of perspective I've experienced coincides somewhat with the church project. I began to see what others were giving away to new homes. Some was in pretty rough shape, but after a little reconstruction and a good cleaning, most of it is re-usable in some manner. Then I began hitting Yard Sales (Garage Sales, Tag Sales...) and seeing all of those items that would otherwise just be thrown in a landfill, taking up precious space. I began to see every item around me in a new light. Could it be re-purposed? Could it be taken apart and used with something else to become something completely new? Could it be given away?
But still, I was a half-hearted about this reform. I didn’t want to get carried away. I tend to keep a lot of things anyway, so I was also kind of wary of creating more “stash” in what should be a nice, roomy house for my hubby and me, but is beginning to get a little “cozy!”
Well, when I found Wardrobe Refashion, that nudged my perspective right over the edge! I saw these ideas for using jean material and thought – Dang it! How many pairs of jeans have I thrown away over the years because they had one stupid hole in them? And those slacks I busted a seam on a month ago – long gone, aren’t they!
And now, presto! I’m understanding that what I don’t have a use for today may still have life left in it for something else tomorrow.
But here’s my dilemma: organization. Yeah. I can help other people get organized, but it’s as if I walk through the threshold of my home and it becomes a portal to a no-organizing zone! I don’t want to have scraps of material in every room, never able to find any of the five pairs of scissors in the house, moving piles to get to the ironing board, then moving piles back so I have a place to sit while I sew!
So although I’ll be away for the weekend, I have grand plans of getting organized in the not-too-distant future. (Though first, I may need to organize the mess that is my laundry pile, my kitchen counter, the dining room table, the pile of worn-but-not-dirty clothes in the bedroom, the “craft table” that somehow morphed into the “I’ll leave it here for now” table, the mail, oi…)
It looks like I just planned my Independence Day Weekend!!!
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