Constance and Change

In the last 7+ months, a lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same. I am still temping at the same place (now there for 13+ months...), I am still not really healthy.
I'm more of a roomie to my husband; this change brought on by a typical drunken incident that just finally made me say enough is enough. We still live together, still go to counseling together, but we're pretty much roomies. He knows he needs to actually DO something (Get Help) about his alcoholism, I know I need to go back to my personal counselor. So I'm taking the steps I need to. I don't know about him.
My sis was back for a week after New Years and it was so incredible. I missed her terribly over the summer, but you know how you get used to someone being away after awhile...well, I'd gotten used to her not being so close. But having her here for that week was so awesome, and I'm so glad we could share that time. We went into Boston and walked around Chinatown and the North End. It was fr-EE-zing, but we survived!
I talked to Mom after my last post. Things got a little better with her, but the holidays really brought out the worst in us. Unfortunately, I know that some things are just never going to be the same. And in a sense, that's a good thing, because "the same" is SO unhealthy. But at the same time, I really envy those families that ARE healthy and can continue to have healthy relationships into adulthood. Well, maybe I can have a healthy relationship with her, it just won't be idea. What I mean is, since I know I can't trust her to respect certain boundaries, I just won't be able to share those parts of my life with her. It's unfortunate, but it is a step toward my own mental health that I'm finally willing to make.
I've begun reading Codependent No More and the more I read, the more I see it in myself - in many areas of my life! I've begun helping my sis with her college essays; editing for grammar and punctuation. At first I was just correcting everything and inserting comments to tell her why. Then I realized she would learn more if I explained general rules and let her make her own corrections. I was so worried that she'd be irritated with me, but she responded really well, saying she learned so much more! It's so funny to me how these things really work in real life!
So to be real, I'm depressed again. And not happy about it either! (That was a joke, though it's true :)
I thought I had this all under control and knew how to deal with the warning signs, etc. But then last August I started having a little wine with my dinner and ended up doing that a few times a week. It's absolutely FACT that alcohol is a depressant and I was already teetering on the edge. I went and pushed myself right over. I finally accepted the fact that it was really harmful to me right after Christmas, but by that time the damage was done.
But now it's February and I should be "over it," right? Believe me, I've been around this block enough times, I know it doesn't happen that way, but I'm back to seeing my counselor and am consciously looking for the healthy/mature ways of dealing with things.
One thing I decided to do this year is to try a new recipe from my cookbook collection at least once per week. I have over 40 cookbooks and I haven't used even one recipe out of at least a third of them. So this year, I'm going to change all of that! It's been really fun and I'm definitely enjoying the fruits of this particular labor! I'll share more on that another time. For now, I'm going to try doing the healthy thing and going to bed at an almost-decent hour.

Come on in, sit down, can I get you some tea?

We've got a lot of catching up to do, huh?

Well, first of all, take a look out the window. Aren't those colors gorgeous? The trees in my backyard are changing so beautifully. It reminds me of peach sherbert. Or is it sherbet. Or sorbet. Either way, it's so pretty and peacefull.

Yeah, I'll get to the good stuff.

Our friends are still planning on staying with us. Probably through the end of the year. And yes, since I'm still not working, that will be a welcome bit of cash for oil and the mortgage. And speaking of work, I had a very good interview today that I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high for. But it's EXACTLY what I want to do. It's not that I don't think I'm qualified, I KNOW I can do the job and I'm qualified for it...I just know that I was also qualified to do the other jobs that I've interviewed for and I didn't get those...

But perhaps it was God's way of keeping me out of work until this came around.

In regards to the house...oi. So much going on! My hubby took off the front porch last weekend and discovered that the front part of the roof was badly in need of replacing, so this past weekend, a group of our friends helped him work on that. I wish our digital camera was still working, but I did manage to get some pictures with the 35mm so we'll see how those turn out.

Unfortunately, my hubby and one of our friends is still working on it! The poor guy. He hasn't taken a day off in three weeks and he has a paying side-project lined up for this coming weekend too. He's so tired and worn down, his shoulder isn't healing from his ATV accident a few weeks ago and frankly, he's getting a bit cranky.


Enough about me. What's going on with you? Are the kids liking school? Are your days more crazy than ever? Find any good recipes lately? (Especially for cranberries and pumpkin stuff!)


Now here's a quick disclaimer about this next part: this is the reason why I don't tell people I know in face-to-face life that I have a blog. Way too personal to share with people you actually know! Ironic, isn't it. But this is my blog about growth and change, and I've gone back and forth in my mind as to whether or not I SHOULD talk about this, but that's the whole point of the blog. To share everything as pertaining to growth. The pain, the joy, the confusion, the dirt. And here's the pain, the dirt, the mud.


It all comes back to the mother, huh? To all the mom's out there, I'm sorry. That's way too general of a statement. But in my case, much of my complexity can be traced back to my mom. Is that better?

I've recently realized the blaring truth that my mom is not Just a control freak. It's way beyond freakish. It's obsession. It's unhealthy. It's beyond unhealthy. It's manipulation, it's exageration, it's self-pity and on and on and on. And I'm becoming just like her.

Yeah. Really scary. I mean, I've recognized the control freak inside of me and we've kind of come to an agreement about that, (me and the control freak inside me,) but it's come to the point that I have to kind of break away.

It hurts. I feel bad. There is this ingrained loyalty that I think most kids have to their parents, and while it doesn't feel natural to "break away," I think there is a natural component there, too. It's probably one of those things kids have to go through as they become adults. And here I am, 32 years old, just coming to this realization. I mean, I thought I HAD gone through this, started living my own life, etc. But for me, this feels different.

It's boundaries, limits, thinking for myself, resisting that siren song of parental guidance. Taking admonishment and still saying no, standing up for myself, understanding that to be healthy I must withdraw for a bit.

A few weeks ago I went to the laundromat to clean all our comforters and winter blankets. I met a woman there who was native american and we got to talking. She noticed my barret that had butterflies engraved on it and she spoke about what the butterfly meant as a talisman. I can't remember all that she said, but I remember in particular what she said about the crysalis stage of the butterflie's life.

It represents withdrawl as a stage of growth. It can be physical, spiritual, emotional, etc. and can last for any amount of time. The point is, in order to fully form as a completed being...the resulting butterfly..., one must go through a period of withdrawl, hibernation, etc.

And my point is, I think this is that time for me. My counselor asked me to write mom a letter (without the intent of giving it to her,) and I'm finding it harder than I thought it would be. It's so ... general. It's not like there was an event or trauma that caused this pain, it was a pattern of life. How do you consolidate that into a sentence, say how it made you feel, and come to a conclusion. Or am I forcing structure into this letter that is restricting this healing process?

I am tempted to just walk away, but I know that's the coward's way out. Maybe for a moment, but eventually I'll have to confront her. And it's up to her to respond. How she'll respond is possibly predictable, but miracles still happen. I'm not counting on it, but it would be nice. And they do happen. I'm living proof.

But that's another story.

Overwhelmed

Here's a question for y'all:

How do you manage
-simplifying your life
-working a full time job
-implementing cost-savings lifestyle changes that add time to your chores
-implementing health-savings lifestyle changes that add time and quality to your life but also take time and energy from your day
-participating/leading/coordinating two volunteer/mission projects
-stoping to smell the roses
-challenging yourself to grow in many different ways (and hopefully not horizontally like me)
AND
-doing it all well
-not feeling pulled in 10 different directions at once

-(and I don't even have kids to take care of!)
Oi
No wonder I'm in counseling.
Which is sort of a ha-ha statement, but more in a "ha-ha...ha...that's not really funny is it?" sort of way.

One answer I just thought of (aha moment): As much as I enjoy the shows Bones, House, the Bill Engvall Show, Ghost Hunters, Cheers reruns, and watching live NASCAR races, I simply don't think I have time for them anymore!

And then of course there's the more obvious answer:

You Don't.

So perhaps I have to give up one (or five) of those things!
-Like leading/coordinating two missions (participating is still an option, isn't it?)
-And of course the one I really want to give up is the full time job, but let's be realistic, here.
-Maybe Challenging myself to grow in MANY different ways is a bit much. One or two is more at pace with reality.

Maybe the answers will come to me this weekend as I float on Conway Lake between scattered showers and the threat of thunderstorms.
Or around the fire.
Yeah.
Probably around the fire.

the good the bad and the ugly revisited

I received a quite insightful comment on an earlier post and again found myself responding at length. I think I'd rather share it here though....

(parts of the comment:)

...I found I felt much better when I stood up for myself to my ex's family. I wasn't rude. I just did what I thought was best for myself and my family... If they didn't like it... That was their problem. The interesting thing about difficult people is they never go away.
...Love and take care of yourself... Always tell the truth in love and don't be too hard on yourself:) It really is the best way to love your husband :)

(my response:)
Earlier in the year I was seriously contemplating divorce and the thing that made me feel the best about it was the fact that I wouldn't have to deal with his family anymore. (We don't have kids, so we'd essentially be going our own ways.) Now that I've recommitted to the marriage, time and time again I realize that his family is the biggest wedge between us. It's where most of the dissension begins.
I am beginning to calmly stand up for myself and my decisions without apology, but without being rude about it. I can only take responsibility for my actions and reactions. Their happiness is up to them. And I think my hubby is just starting to catch on too. But even that isn't my responsibility, it's his.
You make a very good point that difficult people never go away. No matter how much we grow and mature, it often has no bearing on others' maturity. But we can live in peace when we take responsibility for ourselves and let them have responsibility for themselves. Even if they want to blame us, we don't have to take that on.
I was blessed that I had a personal counseling appointment Friday afternoon right before we went camping with his family. "Bill" pointed out two things to me. 1.) the "Leave and Cleave" command in Genesis is directed to the son. It's not completely the parent's responsibility to let their child go, it's also up to the son to make changes to his relationship with his parents. Not that he should completely cut them out of his life, but there is a change in priorities that should occur, and it's his responsibility to initiate that. It's naturally designed to occur in the adolescence, but often enough never occurs at all.
2.) Philippians 4:4-8 gives us a good guideline to achieving peace.
A.) "Rejoice in the Lord" (so hard to do when focusing all our energy on the people who are driving us crazy!)
B.) "Don't be anxious for ANYthing."
C.) "Instead pray and petition." The word used for Petition means a detailed request. This is more for our benefit than for God's because he already knows! But it creates intimacy when we spend the time to get into detail in our cry for help.
D.) "With thanksgiving." Why would we be thankful? Because it's an opportunity for growth in our lives. Because it's an opportunity for us to become more intimate with God. For any number of reasons. Maybe it's and opportunity to portray God's compassion to those that are hurting us.
E.) "Think on things..." that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. It's really hard to remain tense and anxious and focused on retaliation when we're thinking on this kind of thing, isn't it! LOL.
A tool that Bill encouraged me to initiate is to take notecards and write verses on them that would help me to "think on these things." I did just that over the weekend, starting with these very verses! Others that I've added are Romans 8:28 , James 1:2-6 and Jeremiah 29:10-13.

By way of follow-up, on the surface, it seems that the weekend went fairly smoothly. I fully expect that my hubby will get a scathing phone call this afternoon though. *sigh*, another reminder that we can't control their actions and feelings. They may have the perspective that we MAKE them feel this, but the reality is that they choose their feelings, even as we choose ours. We can choose to live our own lives or continue to be puppeted by them. I even found myself at times over the weekend reading insult into probably innocuous things, but caught myself most times before I jumped to that conclusion. I imagine the same is true for them. Though whether they "caught themselves" or were looking for insult is up to them, not me.

I am at peace this morning knowing that I did what I could while maintaining my personal boundaries and there is nothing that I would do differently.