In the last 7+ months, a lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same. I am still temping at the same place (now there for 13+ months...), I am still not really healthy.
I'm more of a roomie to my husband; this change brought on by a typical drunken incident that just finally made me say enough is enough. We still live together, still go to counseling together, but we're pretty much roomies. He knows he needs to actually DO something (Get Help) about his alcoholism, I know I need to go back to my personal counselor. So I'm taking the steps I need to. I don't know about him.
My sis was back for a week after New Years and it was so incredible. I missed her terribly over the summer, but you know how you get used to someone being away after awhile...well, I'd gotten used to her not being so close. But having her here for that week was so awesome, and I'm so glad we could share that time. We went into Boston and walked around Chinatown and the North End. It was fr-EE-zing, but we survived!
I talked to Mom after my last post. Things got a little better with her, but the holidays really brought out the worst in us. Unfortunately, I know that some things are just never going to be the same. And in a sense, that's a good thing, because "the same" is SO unhealthy. But at the same time, I really envy those families that ARE healthy and can continue to have healthy relationships into adulthood. Well, maybe I can have a healthy relationship with her, it just won't be idea. What I mean is, since I know I can't trust her to respect certain boundaries, I just won't be able to share those parts of my life with her. It's unfortunate, but it is a step toward my own mental health that I'm finally willing to make.
I've begun reading Codependent No More and the more I read, the more I see it in myself - in many areas of my life! I've begun helping my sis with her college essays; editing for grammar and punctuation. At first I was just correcting everything and inserting comments to tell her why. Then I realized she would learn more if I explained general rules and let her make her own corrections. I was so worried that she'd be irritated with me, but she responded really well, saying she learned so much more! It's so funny to me how these things really work in real life!
So to be real, I'm depressed again. And not happy about it either! (That was a joke, though it's true :)
I thought I had this all under control and knew how to deal with the warning signs, etc. But then last August I started having a little wine with my dinner and ended up doing that a few times a week. It's absolutely FACT that alcohol is a depressant and I was already teetering on the edge. I went and pushed myself right over. I finally accepted the fact that it was really harmful to me right after Christmas, but by that time the damage was done.
But now it's February and I should be "over it," right? Believe me, I've been around this block enough times, I know it doesn't happen that way, but I'm back to seeing my counselor and am consciously looking for the healthy/mature ways of dealing with things.
One thing I decided to do this year is to try a new recipe from my cookbook collection at least once per week. I have over 40 cookbooks and I haven't used even one recipe out of at least a third of them. So this year, I'm going to change all of that! It's been really fun and I'm definitely enjoying the fruits of this particular labor! I'll share more on that another time. For now, I'm going to try doing the healthy thing and going to bed at an almost-decent hour.
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Friday, August 15, 2008
Overwhelmed
Here's a question for y'all:
How do you manage
-simplifying your life
-working a full time job
-implementing cost-savings lifestyle changes that add time to your chores
-implementing health-savings lifestyle changes that add time and quality to your life but also take time and energy from your day
-participating/leading/coordinating two volunteer/mission projects
-stoping to smell the roses
-challenging yourself to grow in many different ways (and hopefully not horizontally like me)
AND
-doing it all well
-not feeling pulled in 10 different directions at once
-(and I don't even have kids to take care of!)
Oi
No wonder I'm in counseling.
Which is sort of a ha-ha statement, but more in a "ha-ha...ha...that's not really funny is it?" sort of way.
One answer I just thought of (aha moment): As much as I enjoy the shows Bones, House, the Bill Engvall Show, Ghost Hunters, Cheers reruns, and watching live NASCAR races, I simply don't think I have time for them anymore!
And then of course there's the more obvious answer:
You Don't.
So perhaps I have to give up one (or five) of those things!
-Like leading/coordinating two missions (participating is still an option, isn't it?)
-And of course the one I really want to give up is the full time job, but let's be realistic, here.
-Maybe Challenging myself to grow in MANY different ways is a bit much. One or two is more at pace with reality.
Maybe the answers will come to me this weekend as I float on Conway Lake between scattered showers and the threat of thunderstorms.
Or around the fire.
Yeah.
Probably around the fire.
How do you manage
-simplifying your life
-working a full time job
-implementing cost-savings lifestyle changes that add time to your chores
-implementing health-savings lifestyle changes that add time and quality to your life but also take time and energy from your day
-participating/leading/coordinating two volunteer/mission projects
-stoping to smell the roses
-challenging yourself to grow in many different ways (and hopefully not horizontally like me)
AND
-doing it all well
-not feeling pulled in 10 different directions at once
-(and I don't even have kids to take care of!)
Oi
No wonder I'm in counseling.
Which is sort of a ha-ha statement, but more in a "ha-ha...ha...that's not really funny is it?" sort of way.
One answer I just thought of (aha moment): As much as I enjoy the shows Bones, House, the Bill Engvall Show, Ghost Hunters, Cheers reruns, and watching live NASCAR races, I simply don't think I have time for them anymore!
And then of course there's the more obvious answer:
You Don't.
So perhaps I have to give up one (or five) of those things!
-Like leading/coordinating two missions (participating is still an option, isn't it?)
-And of course the one I really want to give up is the full time job, but let's be realistic, here.
-Maybe Challenging myself to grow in MANY different ways is a bit much. One or two is more at pace with reality.
Maybe the answers will come to me this weekend as I float on Conway Lake between scattered showers and the threat of thunderstorms.
Or around the fire.
Yeah.
Probably around the fire.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
conTemplative Tuesdays
What's the deal?
Why is it that sometimes you can quit something and it "sticks," or is relatively easy, and other times it is incredibly hard and you end up "falling off the wagon" relatively quickly? I've experienced both quite a few times. I've analyzed the circumstances, the condition of my heart and mind, my intentions, etc. and yet I don't quite see why I sometimes have great success and I sometimes fail almost immediately.
Quitting ice cream is not something new to me. Quitting JUST ice cream is, but I've done it before. I still have ice cream in the freezer. I couldn't see myself throwing out perfectly good food just because I was rejecting it. My hubby complains if there isn't any around, though he hasn't had any since I stopped! *Fine balance there. At least he has the choice!*
And it's not like I thought about it long and hard, planned for it in advance, etc. I just did it. I've WANTED to do it in the past, DONE it, and made it about 8 hours before breaking down and stopping for a pint (or more) at the corner store.
So what's different this time? That I DIDN'T plan?
That I told myself every afternoon for the last week leading up to it that I had to do something about it (but not made plans) because it made me feel so blah and icky after?
Was it because I WANTED to change my habit? Was it because I was READY to change my habit? Was it because I RECOGNIZED that it was a habit?
Was it because I recognized the root of the problem?
See, when I'm out on my lunch break, I'll be driving back to work or checking my watch, sitting in the parking lot or on the lawn, and suddenly I'll have this desperate thought...do I have any food at work? What if I get hungry? Will I be trapped at work with no way of getting to food?
I think this desperation goes back to two factors...
Growing up we were pretty poor. I didn't know any better, so it wasn't a big deal. But I suspect that I was probably not a stranger to hunger and that may be a factor in me being very cautions and aware of my state of hunger or fullness. In fact, just thinking about going back to work in the afternoon without any food in store for me there causes me to feel hunger! (Then when I get to the store, I naturally move to the freezer and get the same brand and flavor almost every time! Did someone mention the word habit?)
A few years ago, my hubby and I were driving north to a very rural area of New England. We'd stopped for dinner and he wanted to grab a coffee at the Dunkin Donuts before we got back on the highway. It was pretty much the last exit on the highway that we could count on the stores still being open so late at night; and as we stood in line I began thinking about that fact. Now mind you, I'd just had dinner. I had a full stomach (presumably). But I began to think desperately - what if I get hungry along the way? *sigh*
I bought a donut. I didn't eat it, but just having it there gave me the security that I wouldn't go hungry. Hmm.
The second factor is that I have a suspicion that I'm hypoglycemic. When I get truly over-hungry, I get shaky, dizzy, grouchy and a little bit weak. I don't faint. I've not yet fainted once in my entire life. I'm not that girl! But because of this, I like to have a little something in my purse, in the fridge, at my desk, etc. You get the picture.
I guess it doesn't matter as much WHY it's working, but THAT it's working this time.
Until I want to duplicate the success! LOL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I read back through this entry, a few words pop out at me...
"...I was rejecting it." (me, rejecting food. Like it has feelings!)
habit, recognition, root, desperate thought, trapped, just thinking about...[it] makes me feel hunger, naturally, security.
Definitely something to contemplate.
It kind of reminds me of Bret Favre and (unrelated) a former drug addict.
People say - here we go again, Favre's back. How many times is he going to come back out of retirement?!
I never really believed he'd stay in retirement this second time. (I confess, I wasn't really paying attention the first time.) When asked why, I explain - he was visibly upset, you could tell it was really hard on him, it was tearing him apart having to leave the sport as an active player. In contrast, I recall the recent retirement of Rusty Wallace from the NASCAR Sprint Cup series. He was ready. He was looking forward to retirement, he felt good about his career and also felt good about retiring. Now take Favre. To me, it seemed obvious that he didn't feel good about retiring. He didn't seem ready.
The other thing this reminds me of is a TV drama I watched ages ago. I think it was Judging Amy. Her brother (I think) had been an addict and he'd gone through rehab and gotten clean. He had a roommate who found his drug of choice and a needle in his nightstand. His roommate was understandably upset until he explained why it was there.
In his perspective, it was easier to walk away from the drug with it not around, but it gave him a sense of accomplishment to be able to CHOOSE not to use it every day.
Hmm.
Why is it that sometimes you can quit something and it "sticks," or is relatively easy, and other times it is incredibly hard and you end up "falling off the wagon" relatively quickly? I've experienced both quite a few times. I've analyzed the circumstances, the condition of my heart and mind, my intentions, etc. and yet I don't quite see why I sometimes have great success and I sometimes fail almost immediately.
Quitting ice cream is not something new to me. Quitting JUST ice cream is, but I've done it before. I still have ice cream in the freezer. I couldn't see myself throwing out perfectly good food just because I was rejecting it. My hubby complains if there isn't any around, though he hasn't had any since I stopped! *Fine balance there. At least he has the choice!*
And it's not like I thought about it long and hard, planned for it in advance, etc. I just did it. I've WANTED to do it in the past, DONE it, and made it about 8 hours before breaking down and stopping for a pint (or more) at the corner store.
So what's different this time? That I DIDN'T plan?
That I told myself every afternoon for the last week leading up to it that I had to do something about it (but not made plans) because it made me feel so blah and icky after?
Was it because I WANTED to change my habit? Was it because I was READY to change my habit? Was it because I RECOGNIZED that it was a habit?
Was it because I recognized the root of the problem?
See, when I'm out on my lunch break, I'll be driving back to work or checking my watch, sitting in the parking lot or on the lawn, and suddenly I'll have this desperate thought...do I have any food at work? What if I get hungry? Will I be trapped at work with no way of getting to food?
I think this desperation goes back to two factors...
Growing up we were pretty poor. I didn't know any better, so it wasn't a big deal. But I suspect that I was probably not a stranger to hunger and that may be a factor in me being very cautions and aware of my state of hunger or fullness. In fact, just thinking about going back to work in the afternoon without any food in store for me there causes me to feel hunger! (Then when I get to the store, I naturally move to the freezer and get the same brand and flavor almost every time! Did someone mention the word habit?)
A few years ago, my hubby and I were driving north to a very rural area of New England. We'd stopped for dinner and he wanted to grab a coffee at the Dunkin Donuts before we got back on the highway. It was pretty much the last exit on the highway that we could count on the stores still being open so late at night; and as we stood in line I began thinking about that fact. Now mind you, I'd just had dinner. I had a full stomach (presumably). But I began to think desperately - what if I get hungry along the way? *sigh*
I bought a donut. I didn't eat it, but just having it there gave me the security that I wouldn't go hungry. Hmm.
The second factor is that I have a suspicion that I'm hypoglycemic. When I get truly over-hungry, I get shaky, dizzy, grouchy and a little bit weak. I don't faint. I've not yet fainted once in my entire life. I'm not that girl! But because of this, I like to have a little something in my purse, in the fridge, at my desk, etc. You get the picture.
I guess it doesn't matter as much WHY it's working, but THAT it's working this time.
Until I want to duplicate the success! LOL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I read back through this entry, a few words pop out at me...
"...I was rejecting it." (me, rejecting food. Like it has feelings!)
habit, recognition, root, desperate thought, trapped, just thinking about...[it] makes me feel hunger, naturally, security.
Definitely something to contemplate.
It kind of reminds me of Bret Favre and (unrelated) a former drug addict.
People say - here we go again, Favre's back. How many times is he going to come back out of retirement?!
I never really believed he'd stay in retirement this second time. (I confess, I wasn't really paying attention the first time.) When asked why, I explain - he was visibly upset, you could tell it was really hard on him, it was tearing him apart having to leave the sport as an active player. In contrast, I recall the recent retirement of Rusty Wallace from the NASCAR Sprint Cup series. He was ready. He was looking forward to retirement, he felt good about his career and also felt good about retiring. Now take Favre. To me, it seemed obvious that he didn't feel good about retiring. He didn't seem ready.
The other thing this reminds me of is a TV drama I watched ages ago. I think it was Judging Amy. Her brother (I think) had been an addict and he'd gone through rehab and gotten clean. He had a roommate who found his drug of choice and a needle in his nightstand. His roommate was understandably upset until he explained why it was there.
In his perspective, it was easier to walk away from the drug with it not around, but it gave him a sense of accomplishment to be able to CHOOSE not to use it every day.
Hmm.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Surprisingly enough...
...it's not been that hard to quit Ice Cream for the month. I fully intend to continue after July, but for now we're talking about today. Tuesday I made the decision that Ice Cream would be the first thing I quit, and that I'd start the next day. I went home, had a mug of Friendly's "Wattamellon" Sherbet, and that was it. (Yes, Wattamellon is spelled correctly...the New England/Boston phonetic way - we don't pronounce our R's around heah.) And yes, I went to Wendy's on Wednesday, but no, I didn't get a frosty. I know it's just soft ice cream and I only thought about it for a nanosecond before remembering my pledge not to have ice cream. Gelato, sherbet and sorbet are included.
For Ice Cream being such a daily habit, I'm surprised at how easily I've been able to turn away from it.
Something else which surprises me is how often I go into the kitchen and automatically open the freezer door. Automatically like breathing. Singing. Looking at the clouds. Mindlessly. I just chuckle, shake my head and close the freezer door, but it's interesting to me just what kind of habit it really was! I open a door and there it is. Oh. What a great idea. I was just looking for a snack, any snack, but here's the ice cream...fantastic!
And even with all of that, it hasn't been hard to walk away.
Interesting.
The only thing I will have, though I haven't yet, is the grenata (Italian ice). It's not a lactose product and has no sugar (the kind I make myself) which are the two components of ice cream which make me avoid it. I don't consider that a justification, it's just fact.
For Ice Cream being such a daily habit, I'm surprised at how easily I've been able to turn away from it.
Something else which surprises me is how often I go into the kitchen and automatically open the freezer door. Automatically like breathing. Singing. Looking at the clouds. Mindlessly. I just chuckle, shake my head and close the freezer door, but it's interesting to me just what kind of habit it really was! I open a door and there it is. Oh. What a great idea. I was just looking for a snack, any snack, but here's the ice cream...fantastic!
And even with all of that, it hasn't been hard to walk away.
Interesting.
The only thing I will have, though I haven't yet, is the grenata (Italian ice). It's not a lactose product and has no sugar (the kind I make myself) which are the two components of ice cream which make me avoid it. I don't consider that a justification, it's just fact.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
What should I quit first?
I saw this blog and knew it was for me. It's not about quitting oil, it's about quitting anything you choose. ...don't get me startedon oil! The basic premise is to give up something for a month, and then you can choose to continue or not to continue after that month is over.
Due to numerous health problems (that all lead back to one health problem...), I have a lot of things I need to quit eating. I've been able to do so in the past, but the longest I ever went was 10 weeks. That was quitting everything at the same time.
Basically, it's a candida problem...hugely magnified, sometimes called systemic candidiasis, but is also highly controvercial and not recognized as yet by the AMA. In a nutshell, I shouldn't have dairy, vinegar, sugar, yeast, or anything fermented (alcohol). In addition, I have had a food alergy panel revealing that I shouldn't have shellfish (knew that!), sesame, dairy, blueberries, bananas and coffee. So no bread, condiments/salad dressings (most contain vinegar), wine, ice cream, many of my favorite foods!
So I'm thinking of implementing this challenge for the remainder of July, but asking myself: where do I start?
Um, pretty sure Ice Cream would be a good choice...
Due to numerous health problems (that all lead back to one health problem...), I have a lot of things I need to quit eating. I've been able to do so in the past, but the longest I ever went was 10 weeks. That was quitting everything at the same time.
Basically, it's a candida problem...hugely magnified, sometimes called systemic candidiasis, but is also highly controvercial and not recognized as yet by the AMA. In a nutshell, I shouldn't have dairy, vinegar, sugar, yeast, or anything fermented (alcohol). In addition, I have had a food alergy panel revealing that I shouldn't have shellfish (knew that!), sesame, dairy, blueberries, bananas and coffee. So no bread, condiments/salad dressings (most contain vinegar), wine, ice cream, many of my favorite foods!
So I'm thinking of implementing this challenge for the remainder of July, but asking myself: where do I start?
Um, pretty sure Ice Cream would be a good choice...
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