Come on in, sit down, can I get you some tea?

We've got a lot of catching up to do, huh?

Well, first of all, take a look out the window. Aren't those colors gorgeous? The trees in my backyard are changing so beautifully. It reminds me of peach sherbert. Or is it sherbet. Or sorbet. Either way, it's so pretty and peacefull.

Yeah, I'll get to the good stuff.

Our friends are still planning on staying with us. Probably through the end of the year. And yes, since I'm still not working, that will be a welcome bit of cash for oil and the mortgage. And speaking of work, I had a very good interview today that I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high for. But it's EXACTLY what I want to do. It's not that I don't think I'm qualified, I KNOW I can do the job and I'm qualified for it...I just know that I was also qualified to do the other jobs that I've interviewed for and I didn't get those...

But perhaps it was God's way of keeping me out of work until this came around.

In regards to the house...oi. So much going on! My hubby took off the front porch last weekend and discovered that the front part of the roof was badly in need of replacing, so this past weekend, a group of our friends helped him work on that. I wish our digital camera was still working, but I did manage to get some pictures with the 35mm so we'll see how those turn out.

Unfortunately, my hubby and one of our friends is still working on it! The poor guy. He hasn't taken a day off in three weeks and he has a paying side-project lined up for this coming weekend too. He's so tired and worn down, his shoulder isn't healing from his ATV accident a few weeks ago and frankly, he's getting a bit cranky.


Enough about me. What's going on with you? Are the kids liking school? Are your days more crazy than ever? Find any good recipes lately? (Especially for cranberries and pumpkin stuff!)


Now here's a quick disclaimer about this next part: this is the reason why I don't tell people I know in face-to-face life that I have a blog. Way too personal to share with people you actually know! Ironic, isn't it. But this is my blog about growth and change, and I've gone back and forth in my mind as to whether or not I SHOULD talk about this, but that's the whole point of the blog. To share everything as pertaining to growth. The pain, the joy, the confusion, the dirt. And here's the pain, the dirt, the mud.


It all comes back to the mother, huh? To all the mom's out there, I'm sorry. That's way too general of a statement. But in my case, much of my complexity can be traced back to my mom. Is that better?

I've recently realized the blaring truth that my mom is not Just a control freak. It's way beyond freakish. It's obsession. It's unhealthy. It's beyond unhealthy. It's manipulation, it's exageration, it's self-pity and on and on and on. And I'm becoming just like her.

Yeah. Really scary. I mean, I've recognized the control freak inside of me and we've kind of come to an agreement about that, (me and the control freak inside me,) but it's come to the point that I have to kind of break away.

It hurts. I feel bad. There is this ingrained loyalty that I think most kids have to their parents, and while it doesn't feel natural to "break away," I think there is a natural component there, too. It's probably one of those things kids have to go through as they become adults. And here I am, 32 years old, just coming to this realization. I mean, I thought I HAD gone through this, started living my own life, etc. But for me, this feels different.

It's boundaries, limits, thinking for myself, resisting that siren song of parental guidance. Taking admonishment and still saying no, standing up for myself, understanding that to be healthy I must withdraw for a bit.

A few weeks ago I went to the laundromat to clean all our comforters and winter blankets. I met a woman there who was native american and we got to talking. She noticed my barret that had butterflies engraved on it and she spoke about what the butterfly meant as a talisman. I can't remember all that she said, but I remember in particular what she said about the crysalis stage of the butterflie's life.

It represents withdrawl as a stage of growth. It can be physical, spiritual, emotional, etc. and can last for any amount of time. The point is, in order to fully form as a completed being...the resulting butterfly..., one must go through a period of withdrawl, hibernation, etc.

And my point is, I think this is that time for me. My counselor asked me to write mom a letter (without the intent of giving it to her,) and I'm finding it harder than I thought it would be. It's so ... general. It's not like there was an event or trauma that caused this pain, it was a pattern of life. How do you consolidate that into a sentence, say how it made you feel, and come to a conclusion. Or am I forcing structure into this letter that is restricting this healing process?

I am tempted to just walk away, but I know that's the coward's way out. Maybe for a moment, but eventually I'll have to confront her. And it's up to her to respond. How she'll respond is possibly predictable, but miracles still happen. I'm not counting on it, but it would be nice. And they do happen. I'm living proof.

But that's another story.

Fly, baby, fly!

I was meeting with a ministry coordinator at church this morning and after we were through our business, we got to chatting. I shared with her the news I received last night. And now I share with you...
Friends of ours, a couple we've known for years, may be in need of temporary housing for a few months. We have room. They may be staying with us.
Eeek!
I am so gratified to be able to help out in their time of need, as we've done for others in the past, but oi....my house...disaster...yeah.
Well Katrina, who I met with this morning pointed me to Flylady.net and I am SO incredibly grateful! I have a few weeks before our friends move in and I also have no employment in sight so guess what I'm going to be doing in the next couple of weeks?

Flylady is a free online resource designed to help you declutter, clean, organize, be encouraged, etc. and it's going to save my sanity!

Note to Self: 6th Edition

1. I don't have to accept myself the way I am. Some say you should. I say why settle? Yes, being happy with who you are is sometimes healthy. In the right context. But being open to change verses becoming complacent is healthy as well. If you're happy with who you are, but ignoring major flaws of charachter, that's a problem.

2. Be Present. While I'm being pulled in three directions (yes, down from 10!), I have to watch myself. You know the saying "borrowing $ from Peter to pay Paul." I have to make sure I'm not stealing time from Peter to spend with Paul. (Don't tell my hubby!)

3. Objectivity is golden. Through out marital counseling, I had an individual session where all we talked about was my family of origin. "Phil" asked some questions that seemed rather irrelevant at the time, but it really opened my eyes to the deeper dynamics of our family. I think of myself as a pretty intuitive and self-aware kinda gal, but he really helped me see even deeper. It was an incredibly valuable experience being able to gather his objective insight.

4. Delayed Gratification is Sweet. I hope. I haven't been able to get to the Department of Motor Vehicles to officially upgrade my driver's licence to motorcycle operator, so as I drive around town seeing all these people in office clothes atop their sport bikes (so funny to see!), it's a bit of a taunt to me! But I'll eventually have my bike and can start riding just like them, and it'll be sweet indeed!

5. My hubby and I are so in tuned to each other, and we both avoid confrontation so much, that when one is upset, the other retreats. Then the upset one retreats and the other retreats even more. This is a totally stupid spiral that goes on and on. In order to break the cylce, one of us has to change, and it looks like it's going to be me.

6. As far as I've come, as mature as I've gotten, {snort}, I've got a lot to learn.

{Swift River, Kancamagus Highway, near Conway, NH}

{Reflection of a grey heron on Conway Lake in Conway, NH}

Thrifty Thursday: switching from two to one income

Okay, a few of the ideas I found at thriftideas.com weren't exactly news items. We all probably pretty much know these things or think of them as common sense, but they are good reminders.


Surprise to me:
~You can freeze milk! As a seldom-milk-drinker, I buy the smallest amount possible when I know we'll have use for it, but still often find myself throwing some of it away a week later.


My Favorite Tip:
~Make-ahead your own basic and convenience food supplies. Such as granola, jam, hard-boiled-eggs, applesauce, etc. Sure, we can get them pre-made, but for quite a price!

Announcing: Totally Free Find!!!
I was stoked last night to find Kitchen Manuals Online, where I finally found the instruction manual for my $5 yard sale bread machine! I could have also gone through the manufacturer but every time I've tried in the last month, I get errors! There are also sites out there that will charge $8+ for these manuals! Don't pay for a manual until you've checked this site out! I was able to go directly to a PDF File and save it right onto my laptop.

I've been thinking more and more about living on one income. Neither me or my hubby are executives, making six figures (I don't think we even make 6 figures between us!) so it's not like living on my hubby's income would be simple. Then again, if we were making 6 figures, we'd be living a different lifestyle and the changes necessary for going from two to one income would also be hard.

But let's face it, living in America, in New England (and some other areas) is rather expensive. Yes, we've gotten used to living a certain lifestyle. In my estimation, it's rather frivolous of us to go to two NASCAR races every year (and this year we're adding a third-ouch!). And I think it's frivolous to have "more than basic" cable. I'm sure there are a ton of other things we're spending money on that are totally unnecessary, but I digress.

At stretcher.com I found this article which talks about going from two to one incomes. I loved reading Sue's entire story, but was thrilled at how she ended it: "I think the one thing we have learned from this transition is that time is a commodity that people rarely put a price on and yet it is probably the most valuable thing we possess."

At Kaboose.com, I found another arcticle about switching from two to one income. As I've mentioned, I don't know if we'll be able to have kids or not, but I definitely want to stay home regardless.

The more I think about the ways in which we can save, cut back, and make extra money doing other things, the more I come to realize many of these things take time out of the day. Not that I'm looking for the "easy way out," but I'm being realistic about my abilities and expectations. We still don't have a 40 hour day and I'm still not going home after working all day to weed the garden and sew up crafts to sell and fold the laundry and turn the kitchen into a showplace.

It's just not...gonna...happen.

I haven't even broached the subject with my hubby yet, but I want to make living on his income work. Before I bring it up with him, though, I think I have to have all my little duckies in a row or he'll completely dismiss the idea! I quit my job once before to pursue a career with a direct sales company and it ended in disaster. We were so deep in debt it looked hopeless. Our marriage suffered and I slipped into the biggest depression I've ever experienced. I anticipate that the first words I speak about this will completely shut my hubby down and he'll stop listening.

But I think, given the experience we had before, we can make it work this time. We hadn't changed our lifestyle any. I drove a gas-guzzling SUV, we went out to dinner, I still impulse shopped, we made no changes. We lived in an imaginary world and were rudely awakened by ruining our spotless credit and the phone ringing off the hook from collectors' calls. Ouch.

This time, we have the benefit of our previous experience to teach us what NOT to do.

the good the bad and the ugly revisited

I received a quite insightful comment on an earlier post and again found myself responding at length. I think I'd rather share it here though....

(parts of the comment:)

...I found I felt much better when I stood up for myself to my ex's family. I wasn't rude. I just did what I thought was best for myself and my family... If they didn't like it... That was their problem. The interesting thing about difficult people is they never go away.
...Love and take care of yourself... Always tell the truth in love and don't be too hard on yourself:) It really is the best way to love your husband :)

(my response:)
Earlier in the year I was seriously contemplating divorce and the thing that made me feel the best about it was the fact that I wouldn't have to deal with his family anymore. (We don't have kids, so we'd essentially be going our own ways.) Now that I've recommitted to the marriage, time and time again I realize that his family is the biggest wedge between us. It's where most of the dissension begins.
I am beginning to calmly stand up for myself and my decisions without apology, but without being rude about it. I can only take responsibility for my actions and reactions. Their happiness is up to them. And I think my hubby is just starting to catch on too. But even that isn't my responsibility, it's his.
You make a very good point that difficult people never go away. No matter how much we grow and mature, it often has no bearing on others' maturity. But we can live in peace when we take responsibility for ourselves and let them have responsibility for themselves. Even if they want to blame us, we don't have to take that on.
I was blessed that I had a personal counseling appointment Friday afternoon right before we went camping with his family. "Bill" pointed out two things to me. 1.) the "Leave and Cleave" command in Genesis is directed to the son. It's not completely the parent's responsibility to let their child go, it's also up to the son to make changes to his relationship with his parents. Not that he should completely cut them out of his life, but there is a change in priorities that should occur, and it's his responsibility to initiate that. It's naturally designed to occur in the adolescence, but often enough never occurs at all.
2.) Philippians 4:4-8 gives us a good guideline to achieving peace.
A.) "Rejoice in the Lord" (so hard to do when focusing all our energy on the people who are driving us crazy!)
B.) "Don't be anxious for ANYthing."
C.) "Instead pray and petition." The word used for Petition means a detailed request. This is more for our benefit than for God's because he already knows! But it creates intimacy when we spend the time to get into detail in our cry for help.
D.) "With thanksgiving." Why would we be thankful? Because it's an opportunity for growth in our lives. Because it's an opportunity for us to become more intimate with God. For any number of reasons. Maybe it's and opportunity to portray God's compassion to those that are hurting us.
E.) "Think on things..." that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. It's really hard to remain tense and anxious and focused on retaliation when we're thinking on this kind of thing, isn't it! LOL.
A tool that Bill encouraged me to initiate is to take notecards and write verses on them that would help me to "think on these things." I did just that over the weekend, starting with these very verses! Others that I've added are Romans 8:28 , James 1:2-6 and Jeremiah 29:10-13.

By way of follow-up, on the surface, it seems that the weekend went fairly smoothly. I fully expect that my hubby will get a scathing phone call this afternoon though. *sigh*, another reminder that we can't control their actions and feelings. They may have the perspective that we MAKE them feel this, but the reality is that they choose their feelings, even as we choose ours. We can choose to live our own lives or continue to be puppeted by them. I even found myself at times over the weekend reading insult into probably innocuous things, but caught myself most times before I jumped to that conclusion. I imagine the same is true for them. Though whether they "caught themselves" or were looking for insult is up to them, not me.

I am at peace this morning knowing that I did what I could while maintaining my personal boundaries and there is nothing that I would do differently.

Note to Self: 2nd Edition

After last week's first Note to Self post, I thought it would be a good idea to do it weekly. And since it's my blog, I agreed with myself wholeheartedly and here we are.

Without further ado, random lessons and insights I've learned in life this week:

1. "The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything they have." Read the whole story here. And thank you Jenn for sharing this with us!

2. I need to use up stash since I have limited space, and I need to stop spending since I have limited budget. Therefore, I declare August Stash Month with a $20 necessities crafting budget. And I do mean necessities. Like thread, etc. But seriously, I have so much, I don't think I'll NEED anything. "Want" is a different story altogether! I'll admit though, I've been thinking about this for a few days and stocked up on some things I think I might want this month!

Anyone want to join me? I'm doodling while I'm on hold today. (Rrrrrr. Hate insurance companies!!!) Trying to come up with a cool graphic for August's Stash Month. Stay tuned!

3. Real, lasting change takes time. I thought I had my ice cream habit under control, but I really felt tempted earlier this week. I had thought a few times previously in the month that I could move on to more of the lactose family before August, but I'm glad I didn't. I think it would have been one more instance of me jumping in over my head. This month, my Quit Now Challenge is going to be quitting the snooze button. I'll still refrain from ice cream, but I don't think I'm ready to give up cheese, cream in my coffee, and butter yet.

As for the Snooze button, I didn't fail miserably this morning, but I didn't get right up either. I tend to hit the snooze button for about an hour. I only did it for 40 minutes today, so progress has been made.

Along these same lines, I intend to organize my house from top to bottom. But let's be realistic, right? That's one huge job, no matter what size your house is! Luckily, I found Org Junkie's Monthly Organization Roundup which targets one room each month. This matches right up with my new "pace yourself" mentality! In August we're targeting the mudroom/entryway. I say it's not a moment too soon!

(what you see when you walk in the mudroom - this is also the entrance used about 99% of the time.)

This was an addition to the main house. In September, we're tearing this room down and re-roofing the house but not replacing this room. So in the meantime, I have to find a new home for the shoes, coats, mittens, and hats. Everything else can go where it belongs...in the shed or in my hubby's work van!! And the rectangular bucket in the lower left corner? Catches the rain. Whoever added the porch didn't tie it in well with the existing roof. Oi. Drives my hubby crazy, being a carpenter and perfectionist!

(looking back at the front door)

Think we have enough shoes?

(Slowly sinking)

The mystery closet! What ever will I find in there?

edited *** I just realized that in light of my previous post (Buy Nothing Challenge) I can't make any organization-product related purchases! This is an even bigger challenge than I thought and it gets me excited!!!

4. Keep your car clean! Remember how your mama always told you to wear clean underwear "in case you got in an accident and ended up in the hospital?" Well this is along the same idea. You might just break down somewhere (or leave your lights on all day and drain your battery) and have some stranger in your car learning all of your dirty car secrets!

5. If something is going to happen to my car, it's going to happen when my hubby's out of town! See previous lesson...happened last Friday night right after he left! Last time he went away, I got a flat tire...and I changed it myself! Thanks, Dad, for teaching me how to do that while I was learning how to drive. It's been 15 years, but it stuck with me!

6. It IS possible to get out aged mystery stains from a vintage linen tablecloth. Just soak in two cups of Oxyclean, forget about it for 7 hours, run through the delicate wash cycle and voila! Clean table cloth. I did Literally forget about it! I meant to soak it for an hour and then run the wash, but completely forgot...and I'm so glad! (The package says to add 2-4 scoops per gallon of water for soaking 1-6 hours.) The scoop looked about a quarter cup and I wasn't sure how many gallons of water the small load setting used, so I just guestimated 5 gallons and added 8 scoops which ended up being almost all of the small package!

Thank you to my new friends over at Wardrobe Refashion for all of their fantastic ideas!!

7. I learned how to Trim My Own Hair using these tips!! My hubby was kind enough (and patient enough!) to play photographer for me while I cut my hair for the second time in my life. The first time didn't end so well. I was somewhere between 5 and 8 years old and took those plastic Discovery Toys safety scissors to my bangs. Mom was away at a weekend conference and my Dad and brother didn't even notice!! Good stuff. This week's trim wasn't very noticeable. Actually, if I hadn't been doing the cutting, I'd question whether anything was actually cut! I went by the rule to cut less...you can always cut more later. Really, I just wanted a trim to get the split ends off without paying out the nose!

8. It IS possible for me to get motivated in a job I don't care about! Well, maybe it's false motivation, let's just call it productivity! Thursday I dressed professionally, passed up the decaf for real coffee (with extra sugar!) and logged onto my favorite radio station, WOKQ, for their live streaming. I put on my headphones and bebopped (or country-bopped) through my day. I actually learned to do this in college when I'd work in the computer lab with tons of distractions. I'd put on my walkman (remember those?!) and would be able to breeze through my work. I think it kind of takes the distractable/ADHD part of my brain and keeps it busy so I don't get distracted by everything else around me. However it works, it WORKS!

9. It's time for a change. All the while I'm saving money by making my own laundry detergent and kitchen rags and not buying ice cream (LOL) and making hankerchiefs and on and on and on, I'm going to yard sales getting stuff I don't NEED, going antiquing, thrift shopping and on and on and on. Not that yard sales and thrift shopping are bad, but if I don't NEED something, why am I there? To find a deal? On something I don't NEED? Just a new obsession? This is part of what drove me to my proclamation earlier in the week that I'm ready to make a change in my finances.

So my hubby and I sat down and made some decisions. This weekend is efficiency weekend. We're changing to basic cable (couldn't agree on no cable, though I hadn't seen this yet!), doing at-home tune-ups on our vehicles, finally installing the clothes line, making lunches and prepping coffee and breakfast the night before, menu planning each week, and no more random yard saleing and thrifting for me.

Unless I'm specifically looking for something I NEED. (LOL!)

*MINI RANT ALLERT*
10. Everyone has an opinion about everyone else's business and everyone thinks (knows) their opinion is right and everyone wants everyone else to hear their opinions (knowledge) about everyone else's business. *sigh*

Okay, I'm being a little cynical and sarcastic, but this is trully how I felt Thursday. If people only knew the whole story. If they had their facts straight. If they really cared about the situation instead of being heard and noticed and getting the attention. Maybe, perhaps, it might possibly change things.

But it's not their business. And instead of saying "well, there might be more to the story, I guess it's not worth speculating about," they jump ahead and think they can blab all over town about you and how they think you should be living your life.

*sigh*

2008 Reading List

Changes that Heal, by Henry Cloud
It's not my Fault! by Henry Cloud & John Townsend
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey
Loose it for Life by Stephen Arterburn & Linda Mintle
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud & John Townsend

Wardrobe Refashion progress

I found a comment on a previous post asking me how my Wardrobe Refashioning project is going and I found myself going on and on in reply, so I'm just going to post the reply here instead. Plus I think it's something that I'm "learning how to grow" from, so it's pretty appropriate. So without further ado;

It's fun, frustrating, exhilarating, frustrating, ... seeing a patern here? I tend to jump in to projects in life and ignore encumbering details like patterns, directions, etc. LOL! I've made two not-so-great pieces, (shirt) and (skirt) and have tons of ideas for other clothes to make, but my big success was refashioning pants into shorts. That's right, the easiest possible refashion! (LOL) But I needed that success desperately! Right now I'm working on bike jackets from my hubby's old work coats, I'm almost ready to post about them!

The Wardrobe Refashion blog is really inspiring and there are lots of really talented people participating, and even some beginers like myself, so it's not completely degrading having to post such simple and amaturish pieces amongst the jewels! (And most of them are so darned skinny, of COURSE they're going to look good!) Just kidding...

It's really made me think about clothes as fabric and not the other way around. Does that make sense? I mean, so there's a bleach stain on the pants. So there's a busted zipper. In the garbage it goes? Or what else can we do with all the pieces that come to gether to make this one piece of clothing? I don't know if it counts as a refashion, but I dyed a polo tee a few days ago because of a bleach stain. Turned out great! A few months ago I would have thrown it out.

I don't have a lot of time to sew, but I do what I can in the evenings and each little success is helping to boost my confidence and I totally plan to renew my pledge after August.

I guess most of all, I'm learning to slow down, do it right, finish the project, and enjoy the success. That may sound strange since I just admitted how few projects I've actually finished, but it's affected other areas of my life. Like my current dilemma of all my embroidery floss skeins taking up my craft table. The old me would have shoved them out of the way and said I'd deal with them later but not gotten back to them for a few months because I'd recall how much work and frustration it was to lay them all out in order...Instead I'm dedicated to getting it done the right way this time and I'm not going to sacrifice my precious time later for one week of getting the job done now.

I think this really surprises my hubby most of all because I'm one that will just storm in and tear into a project without thinking about the consequences in other areas of my life. He's seeing that things really are changing this time. I used to say "I'm working on it, I realize such-and-such is a problem and I'm aware of it." But "being aware" is not "working." And I'm finally putting action behind my awareness.

I am grateful for Wardrobe Refashion because it provides accountability which is something I desperately need in my life! If I'm not accountable to anyone for anything, I'll just lie in bed all day! Seriously, it's just part of depression. I have great ideas and intentions, but if someone isn't counting on me, interested in my progress, etc, I get lazy and veg out. Accountability is powerful and I can't say enough about it!

Slow Progress

Decisions:

I've been considering starting a separate blog for just crafting, but have come to realize that there's just one me. There's so much overlap of my inner mind, my crafting, my eating habits, my craziness...it's all intertwined. So I'm keeping the blog as-is right now, in sort of a "Wholistic Approach to Personal Growth."

Empowerment:

I had a hard discussion with a good friend last night. A lifelong friend, to be exact. My hubby and I have both known Keith since grade school/junior high. He introduced the two of us at the age of 20, and as long as we've known him, he's not changed a bit. He's still that rambunctious grade school kid having a blast on the playground! Good in some ways, not in others.

We talked for almost an hour and it was tough. There was confrontation, having to be assertive, and anxiety that he'd be his normal aggressive/defensive-by-being-offensive self. It was a little touch and go there for a little while, but in the end, I think it worked out well.

I learned a lot. I learned that I can say what I need to without apology because standing up for yourself then following it up by apologizing for it isn't standing up for yourself at all. I said some hard things and he said some hard things and at first I think he was just slashing back, trying to defend himself by deflecting the attention and being hurtful, but in the end we hit the middle ground and the things that were said were still hard to hear, but less hurtful and closer to the truth. I'm really surprised by that and proud of him for it. It could have really gone bad quickly.

I think part of what saved it was that I prayed first, (and during), and really held my tongue a lot and let him talk for about 8 minutes straight at one point. I remember sitting there, thinking to myself: I have so much to say back, I can think of some real zingers that would be so clever, but I don't want that. I want to preserve this friendship if possible, but with healthy boundaries. I can't let him walk all over me, but I'm not going to walk all over him either.

The thing is, I've been trying to be more assertive and establishing boundaries for over a year and this is the first time it's really been tested where I've held my ground instead of just removing myself from the situation in order to preserve the boundaries. Talk about slow progress! But I think it's revealing that it's with Keith and not someone like a parent. It's going to be a lot more difficult to do this with my parents. Even though we have a "good" relationship, it's almost like it's too good. It's too open, it's too. It's expected that my life is an open book to them, and that's not healthy either.

All in all, this was a good starting place, and a good confidence builder.

Wardrobe Refashioning:

I had my second fabric dyeing experience last night with some success. I turned a blah tan polo into a nice soft teal. I'm wearing it today! It also had a orang-ish stain on the collar that is no longer there, so I'm a very happy woman! (doesn't take much, does it?) Does anyone know where this comes from? I also have a few other shirts with similar stains and they all seem to be around or near the neckline. At first I thought it might be iron in the water, but why would it only be around the collars? Now I think it might be makeup but I really only use powder anymore.

Light bulb moment...I use a benzoyl peroxide cream from time to time for acne...I bet that's it!

Okay, never mind...(Thank you for touring the inner recesses of MJ's mind. The tour is now over, if you'll kindly exit to the left. Leave nothing behind, we will not be responsible for lost or stolen articles. )

*Ahem*

I also finally got around to refashioning my hubby's old work coat into a bike jacket. Phases one and two were to 1: cut out the heavy winter lining and ragged edges of where the pockets used to be; and 2: dye it some other color in the off chance the difference in the faded and non-faded colors wouldn't be so noticeable.

I roughly cut out the lining. I just wanted there to be less material for the dye bath and I wanted to do it quickly because I didn't want to be up all night, so I plan on touching it up later. Then I took the time to pretty up the remaining material where the pockets used to be. This is an old coat we've used as a "donator jacket," using the heavy canvas material for patches on his work pants and other heavily worn items. Both front pockets have been repurposed, but that left big dark areas that used to be the insides of the pockets.

Needless to say (you probably saw this coming), the dye bath did little to disguise the dark areas.

(But look, we get that "distressed" look people pay big bucks for!)

Phase 3 was to attach heavy duty snaps since the zipper no longer works (thus the reason for retiring it and getting another jacket.) I've since found out we can actually mail the coat to Carhardt for zipper repair...the zippers have a lifetime warranty! Alas, I never did so and here we are...I'll do the snaps tonight.

My hubby asked me last night what I was going to do for a bike jacket. Hmmm. What he doesn't know (and I haven't said yet here either) is that I'm going to use this old coat for my bike jacket and surprise him with another one! I'll have to make a few alterations though, so it won't be a complete surprise...See I'm 5'1" and he's 6' tall! Slight alterations necessary...plus I'm thinking of taking some faded jean material to make pockets with. Maybe even an applique. Or not. I'm going to be a biker girl after all, not a place for cutsie.

Remember that busted zipper? Well, it's no surprise that Carhardt has a lifetime warranty on them because they must know it's an issue...we have another old coat with the same problem. All I have to do with that one is take out the winter lining and attach the heavy duty snaps and my hubby gets a new bike jacket! I haven't harvested any scraps of material from the pockets on that one yet, so there's no reason to play with dye. (And that way we won't be so matchy-matchy.)

We already have matching helmets (which we hadn't planned on,) and he's not the type to do that kind of stuff, so I don't want to go too far with it! (The helmets we found together on craigslist for a fantastic deal and were barely used, so we couldn't pass them up!)

Crafting/Organization:

Sunday I laid out all the embroidery floss skeins that would fit on the table...over 200.

I did some figuring, took into account the limited space I have, did some more figuring, and decided to store the skeins in the stitchbow/binder system. Then I ran out and bought out the nearest Michael's supply of binders and bows.

I managed to get a few of the skeins into the first binder before retiring Sunday night...and I went back to work on it last night.

(Monday's starting shot: the laptop and bag systems are sitting gingerly on top of more skeins!)

I made more progress last night, but I have more floss still in the floss-a-way baggie system since I couldn't fit those onto the table so I have to always check to make sure I'm not skipping some of those (which happens with frequency!) Oi. It's like filing two stacks of papers into one stack. It gets complicated. Especially if you're dyeing fabric at the same time... ; )

(I love just looking at my floss! It's like studying the menu at the ice cream shop!)

But I did manage to get the first of the four rows completed, so I'm a happy woman! I'm just really frustrated that it could take me eight solid nights to get them off my table so I can do some sewing! *sigh*

(Monday night's ending shot)

Success!

I went to the craft store to get the necessary storage materials for my plethora of embroidery floss. I walked right by the remnant rack, passed the clearance section and checked out with exactly and only what I walked in there for!!
And I didn't stop for ice cream on the way back to work either. :)
I did a final count last night of my skeins of embroidery floss...515. I began putting my stash into the stitchbows, which upon thinking about it has the best combination of ease-of-use and least amount of storage space. I'll use the binder system instead of the storage cases.
I only got up to black, which those of you who aren't familiar with the DMC floss numbering system, going numerically, black isn't very far! It's going to take awhile for me to get these out of the way and into proper storage, but I'm determined not to move them again until this is done! Meantime, my craft table is reserved and I have no choice but to put everything else off until this is done...a good way of getting me to actually complete a project!

Success!

Sunday was a success! I was to facilitate a meeting after services for a group of prospective volunteers for the furniture ministry, but only one person showed up. It actually worked out really well because it was the friend I've mentioned before that is studying poverty and really getting involved in a few ways on her own. She's going to India in October to visit the child she sponsors. I'm quite moved by her story and how she's being led in some interesting directions. We ended up brainstorming ideas for increasing awareness of the ministry because I think the majority of members at the church are unaware of what exactly we do!

I also consider yesterday a success because I did a little rearranging of my craft area in the basement. As new as it is, I was already feeling the growing pains and realizing some things just weren't working for me! Like the clothing rack. It's pretty flimsy and old (a hand-me-down from a relative) and was about to keel over from the strain! I had found a shelving unit with a closet pole in the beginning of the summer for $5 that I had meant to give to the furniture ministry for organization but just had never gotten around to bringing it over. I snatched that and put it to work for myself instead!

I neglected to take any pictures, but I am so pleased with myself! I'll take pics tonight, because I simply LOVE the area now! I love being there, looking at my new shelves; the orderly rack that doesn't make me nervous about it's precariousness; the completed feeling it has; the orderliness and uncluttered feel. Granted, I haven't worked on anything since it's been rearranged, but I'll examine that issue later!

And a bonus: my hubby approves! He's not really into change. It's totally not his cuppa tea. His reaction when I said I stopped at the thrift store on the way to the barbecue was "great, more junk." *sigh*

So when I dragged the shelving from it's hiding place and did even more re-arranging to his donated section of man town, I held my breath, anticipating the worst. And prepared to brush it off. Except he surprised me with 100% approval! Who'd have thought? Maybe he's simply in a generous spirit since it's almost our anniversary. LOL

I had a twinge of discomfort Saturday while I was driving out to the country and back. I passed about four ice cream stands. You know the kind. Homemade ice cream. Fresh, sweet ice cream. The kind you pay out the wazoo for; but then again, they pile that cone so high you don't know how you'll ever finish it. That kind. The little stand by the side of the road that doesn't sell anything else but ice cream kind of ice cream stand. Yeah. *sigh* Eight chances to have ice cream. Just this once.

And yet, I still didn't dip into the sherbet or the super rich gelato when I got home. But then I think about August. Technically, the month will be over and the challenge will be new. But my intention is to kick all lactose in August which unfortunately includes ice cream. What a dilemma. I was also going to kick the "snooze button habit" in august, but I may have some rethinking to do on that score as well!

We'll have to see what happens in 10.5 days!

Free Rice and Deep Thoughts

First, Free Rice. I remember my little korean sister playing the free rice game last fall and thought it was a great idea...then promptly forgot about it! There is a link on my sidebar that will bring you to the site. The basic premise is that for every correct answer you give, 20 pieces of rice will be donated. For any more information on who is donating what to whom, go to the site and click on FAQs on the top menu bar. (More about my little korean sister later.)

What I like about it (besides the donation) is that it strengthens your vocabulary. What you should know before you "play" is that you can quit at any time. It will never ask you for your e-mail or give you a score or anything (though it tracks your vocab "level" on an ongoing basis). I didn't realize at first that there was no end to this game and just kept on going. I had it on my computer pretty much most of the morning and kept going back to it while I was on hold (on the phone) or waiting for my computer to think about what I wanted it to do (don't get me started!!). So you can quit at any time without your accumulated donation being forfeited!

Second: deep thoughts.
We went to our 4th marriage counseling session yesterday afternoon. We'll call this counselor "Phil." One thing Phil said which really struck me is that it's not enough to identify a problem, habit or behavior. It's good, but it's not the end of the growth process. We have to then get to the root of why it's become a problem. Otherwise, even if we change, if we don't also address the underlying cause, lasting & effective change will not occur. Maybe we never regress back to that problem, but a new one likely develops to replace it.

Take, for instance, ice cream (gee, how did I think of that?). Even though I'm no longer eating ice cream, doesn't mean I've addressed the underlying problem. Now I'm replacing it (and clothes shopping) with becoming a craft store junkie! Oi.

Right after our session, I went to the store and was pretty contemplative, having just gotten some somewhat unsettling news. This was all on my mind as I perused the materials and patterns and notions. I think it's telling that I put a lot back before I checked out. I also think it's telling that I went there without having planned it. So I'm making a little progress, but I've got a lot of work to do!

Setting Boundaries

I've decided to use an organza type material for the tie-backs on my previously dubbed "interview shirt," but that would require another trip to the craft store. What to do, what to do.

I may limit myself to going with my hubby. He's good at standing there and saying "what are you going to use that for? do you really need that? are you sure you need that much?"

I know it will be a bit of a sacrifice for him, but maybe I can make it up to him by going to the Hobby shop with him afterwards!

I've been reading Boundaries lately. In a very teeny tiny nutshell, it's about setting healthy parameters on your relationships. Like saying "I love you Mom, but right now's not a good time to visit. Thanks for dropping by, let's get together tomorrow." Instead of allowing her to just drop in for an unannounced visit while you are trying to clean the house and bake brownies for the PTA meeting and get those birthday party invitations ready before the mail carrier comes.

I'm on the chapter dealing with setting limits on your personal behavior, like your relationship with food and shopping! It's quite interesting to be doing all of this when I come to this chapter. Interesting and revealing! I highly recommend the book.

the big questions...

I had my interview this morning and I think I spent more time contemplating my interview outfit than preparing for the interview itself! In the end, it really didn't matter. I mean, how do you prepare for an interview? Normally, I'd find the company's website, learn as much as I can about their service, industry and market, and try to dig down a little deeper into whatever part of the company I'd be working in. It's hard to really research a state agency. I suppose I could have tried.

There were three of them! I anticipated that, and it wasn't even unnerving, but when I think about it, it could have been very nerve wracking! One asked me if I knew how many Commissioners there were. I said I really hadn't thought about it but supposed one. Wrong. I mean, is that really a serious interview question? I think it was more of an educational method. You know...the teacher doesn't just say 5 X 5 is 25. The teacher asks...what's 5 X 5? Then you remember it better because you actively think about both the question and answer.

I seriously don't think that's going to be a major sticking point in the overall interview review, but I laughed about it later.

I ended up selecting a shirt this morning because it was clean. Good reason to wear something to an interview! I couldn't find the one I wanted, and the refashioned one I REALLY wanted wasn't turning out the way I imagined in my head!

It's interesting...I even changed my shoes at the last minute because I had on these cute short heels (1") with a great point and little bow, but I sometimes roll my ankle and I didn't want to worry about looking stupid walking down the hall and falling, so I wore the less-cute-but-still-nice flats.

It's interesting to me because I think going into an interview you want to portray confidence and there are a few factors that go into confidence. You have to weigh those factors against each other until you find the balance and where you need to be. I had to weigh comfort against appearance (shirt - didn't have full range of motion in my arms with another one, but it looked more professional) and I had to weigh appearance with ease-of-mind with the shoes.

In the end, I was confident that I looked professional and wouldn't fall on my face. Works for me!

A sample of the big questions of the morning:


If you were in a position where a co-worker is being treated unfairly and you'd need to intervene on their behalf, what would you do and why?


What is your definition of morals and integrity?


Describe a situation in which you've personally demonstrated integrity.


You've messed up really bad. What do you do?


Describe a situation in which there is really bad communication and what you did to correct it.


What is one of the hardest things you face in a working situation and why.


Do I stay up all night working on the shirt that's going to make me feel fantastic or do I go to sleep early since I haven't gotten a good night's rest in almost a week?





(Still on hangers) black straight-leg slacks, chiffon-y polyester top with dotted tank lining. The top was a little busy and harsh for my taste, but it fits great. They are all store bought and all pieces I've work quite a bit. I really want to refashion something great, but I think it's going to take a certain amount of practice and trial-and-error and building experience before I get there. Not that I'm setting my expectations low. I think I'm simply being realistic.

I went to Wendy's last night with an older woman who's taken me under her wing. She's fantastic! I've never had grandparents very close (always at least 2 hours away) and I get to see her once or twice a week now. I have to tell you, I am so encouraged by her! I think our minds work very similarly and it's great seeing that she turned out all right, so I've got a chance too! My point was going to be about Wendy's though.

It's getting harder and harder to pass up the ice cream. It's still not difficult. On a scale of 1.) No Problem, 5.) Difficult, to 10.) Impossible, I'd say I'm at a 3. So no worries yet, but we went inside to order last night and being in the presence of fresh Frosties for an extended period of time was probably a little bit of a temptation. I didn't dwell on it, but it occurred to me once or twice.

I'm glad we went though, because it tells me I need to be aware of these things. Awareness is powerful.

Surprisingly enough...

...it's not been that hard to quit Ice Cream for the month. I fully intend to continue after July, but for now we're talking about today. Tuesday I made the decision that Ice Cream would be the first thing I quit, and that I'd start the next day. I went home, had a mug of Friendly's "Wattamellon" Sherbet, and that was it. (Yes, Wattamellon is spelled correctly...the New England/Boston phonetic way - we don't pronounce our R's around heah.) And yes, I went to Wendy's on Wednesday, but no, I didn't get a frosty. I know it's just soft ice cream and I only thought about it for a nanosecond before remembering my pledge not to have ice cream. Gelato, sherbet and sorbet are included.
For Ice Cream being such a daily habit, I'm surprised at how easily I've been able to turn away from it.
Something else which surprises me is how often I go into the kitchen and automatically open the freezer door. Automatically like breathing. Singing. Looking at the clouds. Mindlessly. I just chuckle, shake my head and close the freezer door, but it's interesting to me just what kind of habit it really was! I open a door and there it is. Oh. What a great idea. I was just looking for a snack, any snack, but here's the ice cream...fantastic!
And even with all of that, it hasn't been hard to walk away.
Interesting.
The only thing I will have, though I haven't yet, is the grenata (Italian ice). It's not a lactose product and has no sugar (the kind I make myself) which are the two components of ice cream which make me avoid it. I don't consider that a justification, it's just fact.

Emotional eating, NASCAR, and remembering

At my last counseling session, "Bill" and I talked about my eating habits. I brought it up, among other things, but hadn't intended for it to be something to work on JUST YET. Well, the more we talked about it, the more I realized that this is indeed the time to do something about it. This picture is of me about a year ago, after I'd lost quite a bit of weight. I have since gained it back and then some. Bill encouraged me to begin an eating journal, especially focusing on when I am "emotionally eating."

I plan to start the journal Monday, after I return from our "camping" trip to New Hampshire Motor Speedway for the NASCAR race! Go Tony! (Stewart) Actually, I'm a big Joe Gibbs fan, but Tony's driving talent caught my eye before I knew about Joe Gibb's ownership of the team.

Right, back to the topic...I'll probably post some of the entries here, as I examine my eating habits and how my emotions impact (and are impacted by) what I eat.

I've also been thinking a lot today about something that happened right around the time that picture was taken. My hubby and I have been trying on-and-off for five years to start a family. To this date, we've been unsuccesful. Last year, I really thought I was pregnant. It seemed obvious at the time. I had extreme mood swings I'd never had in all my years of PMS, I was "late," and had regular feelings of nausea. Looking back, the explanation seems clear. I was on some hormones that usually helps PMS, but with me it became worse. I was traveling, which also sometimes has an effect on your menstrual cycle. But while it was happening, it wasn't so clear.

I wasn't just sure. I'd been "sure" half a dozen times in the last four years. I was POSITIVE. 100%. Over the moon; didn't need a test to know; this was it.

We were still traveling when I got my period. I was dumbfounded, numb, walking around in a daze. Thankfully, it was the middle of a two-week vacation so I had some time to pull myself together, but still...I can remember sitting in a museum presentation thinking "here I am, watching this movie. How? Why? After (I thought) loosing the baby? This is crazy. How can I be doing THIS after THAT just happened? As if it's just another day. As if I'm perfectly fine. "

To further complicate matters, things weren't real great with me and my hubby at the time. I'd decided just before "discovering" the pregnancy that I was going to stop seeing the specialist for a while until our marriage was doing better. I had real fears as relating to parenting with him and knew that we needed major help before moving forward with a family. But once I thought I was pregnant, there was no way I was going to regret it, no matter what state our marriage was in! I looked all my fears in the eye and moved forward, ready to embrace the challenge and do my best without looking back.

So a year later, I look back and remember those days. It still seems so surreal. In a way it's a blessing that it happened while away because I don't have to walk around the house remembering sitting on the couch for hours at a time in contemplation. It was some anonymous hotel room out in the world somewhere and I'll never have to see it again.

I think I'm stronger for it though. My mom said she had a dream that one day I'd face a difficult challenge, decide to face it with courage and integrity, and then have it be taken away.

That's just how I want to live my life...with courage and integrity. And it's so true that sometimes the blessings and challenges are the same thing and sometimes they are taken away. But courage and integrity can never be taken away, only forfeited by choice.

Awareness

I've become more and more aware of my shopping-as-therapy activity lately. It's not so much the shopping, it's the clothing. I'm not happy with my body, and it's going to take a LOOONg time to change my body, so wearing something new makes me happy. Therefore, I shop for new clothes and get a quick hit of gratification that first few times I wear them, then I'm back where I started...back at the store, looking for something new again to soothe my unhappiness with my body.

Perhaps actually attempting real lifestyle-type change would be in order! (Rather than "dieting") While I do plan to make a series of food-related lifestyle changes in the near future, I am also looking at this whole shopping thing. It has such a negative impact on so many areas of my life, including (but certainly not limited to...) finances, my marriage (hiding my purchases when I don't feel like justifying them...because I know deep down I can't justify my purchases!), and the attitude that I can ignore the real problem and just keep buying clothes!

In a way, it's fortunate that I'm, well, oddly shaped. There, I said it. Let's just get it out there on the table! I'm short and stout. I will take 10 or more items into the dressing room and MAYBE come out with 1 or 2. I say this is fortunate, because it keeps me from buying out the store!!!

I'm large but petite...another contradiction! I'm 5'1" and, let's just say...Queenish. And I don't mean that in a royal way. But you know how pantyhose comes in A, B, and Queen? I love that! I would never have thought of naming a size Queen. And certainly not a large size! Maybe they should rename the "A" category "Princess!" Guess not. Right, so...it doesn't stop there. I'm bottom heavy too. And my arms are larger than their normally corresponding torso, so any tops I get "off the shelf" have to be a bit big in the torso so as to allow for a roomier sleeve. Then my waist is a much narrower size than my butt and thighs. Even when I was thin, I lamented my huge thighs. (I promise, God, If I'm ever size 4 again, I won't complain about my overly muscular legs!!!) So if I can manage to get pants or a skirt over my hips and thighs, the waistband is usually saggy...and since I'm petite, it's often at-or-above my belly button. (think old man pants!!!)

To clear up, I would say I have a size 16 waist, but have to wear 18 to not make my butt and thighs skin-tight. I could fit into size 10/12 (Large) shirt, but now need to wear XL (14/16) to allow for a normal range of motion in my arms!

A few years ago when I was given my new sewing machine, I got real excited (see last post). I had these plans of customizing patterns for my shape and maybe even designing my own clothes. I had so many ideas of necklines and dress styles, seriously. So many! And then I started cutting out a pattern and, well...it took too long and my scissors slid all over the place, and there wasn't enough room to block out the whole pattern, and the sewing machine was taking some getting used to and....well, see my last post.

All this explanation leads me to this: I found, quite by accident, Wardrobe Refashion. I was wearing a brown-toned top with black slacks one day earlier this week and was feeling a bit "what not to wear-ish" and decided to google "fashion rules." It was then that I stumbled upon this fantastic, amazing site/challenge/community! You have to check it out for yourself, I can't do it justice in the few words and minutes I have left to make this post...please check it out!!!

So I'm going to make friends with my 2-year-old, brand-spankin-new sewing machine my hubby got for me and take the challenge...no NEW clothes for two months! I don't officially start until July 1st, but I'm already starting on two projects.

*just lost the rest of my post for the 3rd time!!! oi.*

So, what I so-eloquently said (and lost 3 times!!!!), in a nutshell....is that yeah, this could end up really bad-looking, but I'm already wearing really ill-fitting clothes, so why not take the challenge for just two months? I'm not that great a seamstress, but this will also give me the chance to get better at it!

I can't wait to finish up my first two projects and move on to the other 20 in my head! (only half kidding!) And I'll add my progress here...it's really very exciting! The key is going to be doing this without getting obsessed about it!

Obsession

Okay, so I have a tendency to get a little...well...obsessive.

Take beading, for example. A couple years ago, I got this idea that I could make beautiful and unique jewelry by learning how to bead. I didn't take classes, I simply got all the materials and tools (and I mean ALL) and a few how-to books (sound familiar?) and taught myself the basics.

I spent ALL my free time (and then some, stealing time from housekeeping, etc) learning to bead and making admitedly awefull stuff!

Then I lost interest. I think because I wasn't seeing progress fast enough.

Then I found a great fiction author, and then another, until I was reading ALL the time!

And these are not two isolated examples. I tend to get obsessive when I find something I enjoy. Now it's yard sales. I'm going away for the weekend coming up and I'm incredibly dissapointed that I won't be able to go to any yard sales! Even to the point that I wondered if there was a way to see if there were yard sales in the area we're going to (because Saturday morning will be pretty much free time).

Enough!! Wow. Seriously. So hubby and I talked and I have to be carefull about how much stuff I get, even if it's free (did I mention my addiction to craigslist and freecycle?). So this weekend away will be good for me.

Another thing I'm obsessive about is clothes. I clothes shop a lot. Even if it's cheap stuff, it's still money spent and it adds up quick! So I'm taking a good hard look at what I've got, what I've ignored, what I can maybe alter. Growing up in a wicked*rural part of the western US, (over a hundred miles to the nearest large city), my mom made a lot of clothes and I became familiar with the concept. (picture is of the road out to Lowel Point in Seward, AK where I was born and raised until age 8. Note the pale green/blue of the water - that's no photo trick! It really is that color!!)

Except. Our sewing machine was always breaking down and very touchy and I was too impatient to deal with it, so I learned to handsew everything. I know...turns a couple-hour project into a couple-day project, but that's what I was comfortable with.

Well I got obsessed about sewing a couple years ago and now have a brand-spankin-new sewing machine...that I have not used since. Now that I'm determined to change my shopping ways, I'm getting excited again about sewing and doubly determined to "make friends" with my machine. I may take a class instead of following along my old pattern of teach-yourself-until-you-get-bored-or-frustrated-then-quit.

So I suppose the game plan is to be aware of my obsessions and to not jump into new things without really thinking about time, expense, etc.

Wish me luck!


*wicked is New England slang for communicating an extreme, like it was so cold, or the movie was incredibly funny.

Courage

I've spent a lot of time picking apart the serenity prayer in recent months. Serenity, acceptance, change, wisdom, etc...all great things to contemplate. But to put it into action....that's where it gets hard.

I think I focused too long on the "serenity to accept the things I cannot change" and just stalled out, as if I just have to accept everything. I was not raised empowered to make change in my life, but to be content with what I had, to look at the glass half-full, to smile despite the pain. And to a certain extent, those are all good things. But it is not the whole of how life works. There is time for being content in all kinds of circumstances, and there is a time for standing up for yourself and others in unjust circumstances.

So that brings be to "the courage to change the things I can." I have had it drilled into me that I cannot change the world. I cannot change another person. I cannot change much. I've also believed the lie that I cannot change myself. But I can change myself. To an extent. I mean, I can't change my past, my memories, my heritage, or my DNA. But I can work to change my attitude, my actions, my demeanor and my perspective.

You can change nothing but yourself, but through changing yourself, you can affect change in the world.