Conundrum

Sometimes this body of mine just confounds me. In my limited knowledge, I just don't know what to make of it. I'm 7 days "late" but the pregnancy test says "nope, nada, try again!" I am smelling things I've never smelt before, I'm constantly tired, extremely sensitive, I am getting hot flashes. Hot flashes? Am I peri-menapausal? Oi.
I'm 32 years old and while one of my Aunts went through menopause pretty young, I think she was at least 37. I could be wrong. But pregnant women have hot flashes too. But their tests usually come out possitive too...so, {sigh}.
I didn't want to take the test. It's a very volnerable two minutes. Do you look at it the whole time, or go brush your teeth or something and pretend your future doesn't hang in the balance? And then it's negative and you wonder if you did it right. Was there any way you could have messed it up? But you know you did it right. You've only taken the test fourty two times in the last five years. (slight exageration!) And then you simply accept. Unless this isn't the fourty second time you've done it and you still wonder and convince yourself somehow that the test was wrong and you'll take it again the next day to prove it!
Ah well. In the end, I'll probably test again Tuesday. Give it a few days. Unless of course something happens in the mean time....

Babies. Sigh.

Another friend is pregg-o. They're multiplying. And the ones that are multiplying are multiplying. I mean, it's like, epidemic here! {sigh}

And I am tempted to jump on the bandwaggon and say "let's give it another shot" with my hubby, but we've only been in counseling a few months and he's only been alcohol free for a little over a month. I'd be a fool not to anticipate detours in "recovery" ahead, and yet I also think it's foolish to think we're ever going to "have it all together." We are a work in progress. And my hubby's recovery is a work in progress. Heck, I'M a work in progress.

But the synical side of me says my hubby could just be waiting for me to say "let's do it" and then he can start drinking again. And what makes me the pregnancy police?

Looks like we have something to talk about in counseling, huh?

A bit of a tumble

I'm supposed to help my hubby move furniture tomorrow. Actually, he's supposed to help me. It's for the furniture ministry at church, which I coordinate. So seeing how I'm "in charge," and he doesn't even attend my church, he's definitely helping me. (And I'm incredibly grateful!!)
So we're both supposed to be moving furniture tomorrow. I was going to try to get someone else to help in addition to just the two of us, but I've had such trouble getting help this summer that I just gave up, pretty much. My independent streak had a field day and said "I'm MJ, I can do it all!!!" While this was true in Junior High when I was incredibly strong, invincible, and didn't have an aching back and neck...it's just not so any more!
Well, reality struck when I took a bit of a tumble down the basement stairs this evening and bruised up the left side of my body and locked up my neck. It's not as bad as it could have been, but needless to say - I'm not moving furniture tomorrow!
I seem to have to learn this lesson every couple of years. I simply cannot do it on my own. I am not WonderWoman.
On top of that drama, I found myself at the bottom of the stairs, telling my hubby "I'm okay!" and then bursting into tears. I broke his grampa's drawer. It's fixable, but his family will be more concerned with the state of the heirloom than what happened to me. But even that doesn't explain the on-and-off tears for the rest of the evening. I'm just extremely tearful today. And it came so out-of-the-blue, it's really catching me off guard.
We later met up with old friends that had moved away and are back in the area visiting family and friends. The wife is younger than me (I don't know why age is a big issue here, but it is) and they have three beautiful, well-behaved and precious children. (Especially when they're asleep, being carried inside after an exciting fireworks show!)
All of a sudden in the middle of the fireworks I burst into tears again at the sight of the young family interacting. I grabbed my hubby's hand and tried to look normal, but all I will say is it's a good thing we were right up close to the fireworks and no one was paying me any attention!
So I guess if it takes a tumble down the basement stairs to make me slow down and ask for help, God finally got my attention.
I leave you with 36 seconds in my front yard. The image quality is funky, but I took the video from my digital camera mostly to get the birds chirping.

Emotional eating, NASCAR, and remembering

At my last counseling session, "Bill" and I talked about my eating habits. I brought it up, among other things, but hadn't intended for it to be something to work on JUST YET. Well, the more we talked about it, the more I realized that this is indeed the time to do something about it. This picture is of me about a year ago, after I'd lost quite a bit of weight. I have since gained it back and then some. Bill encouraged me to begin an eating journal, especially focusing on when I am "emotionally eating."

I plan to start the journal Monday, after I return from our "camping" trip to New Hampshire Motor Speedway for the NASCAR race! Go Tony! (Stewart) Actually, I'm a big Joe Gibbs fan, but Tony's driving talent caught my eye before I knew about Joe Gibb's ownership of the team.

Right, back to the topic...I'll probably post some of the entries here, as I examine my eating habits and how my emotions impact (and are impacted by) what I eat.

I've also been thinking a lot today about something that happened right around the time that picture was taken. My hubby and I have been trying on-and-off for five years to start a family. To this date, we've been unsuccesful. Last year, I really thought I was pregnant. It seemed obvious at the time. I had extreme mood swings I'd never had in all my years of PMS, I was "late," and had regular feelings of nausea. Looking back, the explanation seems clear. I was on some hormones that usually helps PMS, but with me it became worse. I was traveling, which also sometimes has an effect on your menstrual cycle. But while it was happening, it wasn't so clear.

I wasn't just sure. I'd been "sure" half a dozen times in the last four years. I was POSITIVE. 100%. Over the moon; didn't need a test to know; this was it.

We were still traveling when I got my period. I was dumbfounded, numb, walking around in a daze. Thankfully, it was the middle of a two-week vacation so I had some time to pull myself together, but still...I can remember sitting in a museum presentation thinking "here I am, watching this movie. How? Why? After (I thought) loosing the baby? This is crazy. How can I be doing THIS after THAT just happened? As if it's just another day. As if I'm perfectly fine. "

To further complicate matters, things weren't real great with me and my hubby at the time. I'd decided just before "discovering" the pregnancy that I was going to stop seeing the specialist for a while until our marriage was doing better. I had real fears as relating to parenting with him and knew that we needed major help before moving forward with a family. But once I thought I was pregnant, there was no way I was going to regret it, no matter what state our marriage was in! I looked all my fears in the eye and moved forward, ready to embrace the challenge and do my best without looking back.

So a year later, I look back and remember those days. It still seems so surreal. In a way it's a blessing that it happened while away because I don't have to walk around the house remembering sitting on the couch for hours at a time in contemplation. It was some anonymous hotel room out in the world somewhere and I'll never have to see it again.

I think I'm stronger for it though. My mom said she had a dream that one day I'd face a difficult challenge, decide to face it with courage and integrity, and then have it be taken away.

That's just how I want to live my life...with courage and integrity. And it's so true that sometimes the blessings and challenges are the same thing and sometimes they are taken away. But courage and integrity can never be taken away, only forfeited by choice.